


Mario is Missing

by SkyWrites



Series: The Above Average Detective Luigi Mysteries! [2]
Category: Mario & Luigi RPG (Video Games), Mario Story | Paper Mario, Paper Mario: The Thousand Year Door, Super Mario & Related Fandoms, Super Mario Bros. (Video Games), Super Mario RPG: Legend of the Seven Stars
Genre: Alternate Universe - Noir, Comedy, Crimes & Criminals, Detectives, Gen, Luigi POV, Minor Canonical Character(s), Mystery, POV First Person, Unreliable Narrator, Worldbuilding
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-11
Updated: 2019-04-27
Packaged: 2019-10-25 23:19:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 77,336
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17734574
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SkyWrites/pseuds/SkyWrites
Summary: New Donk City. A tough place to live, and an even tougher place to do the right thing. Plumbing, detectiving... you still find yourself cleaning up other people's messes, and if you're not careful you end up in crap. It's all the same in the end.Without my brother around, things have only gotten worse. I need to find him. But fire breathing turtles, insane bean witches, and furious smithies stand in my way.What do they know? What happened to my brother? What chance do I have?





	1. You Won't Forget

**Author's Note:**

> This is a love letter to my favorite Mario RPG games and just my favorite Mario games in general. 
> 
> Expect mostly Mario RPG: Legend of the Seven Stars, Paper Mario: Thousand Year Door, and Mario and Luigi: Superstar Saga characters. There will be characters from other Mario games, too. 
> 
> Thanks to my good friend Kaesa for helping with the summary, and Darkhymns who has been helping with edits all throughout! Hope you enjoy.

Neon lights flashed through my window from a mushroom sign speckled with white and red. The red jumped out at me. It bled out into the carpet, it told me dark stories I didn’t want to hear.

New Donk City was quiet tonight or as quiet as it could be with the pouring rain, the endless traffic outside, and the noisy Shy Guys next door. For a people with ‘Shy’ in the name, they seemed awfully loud when to themselves.

But the Shy Guys weren’t the problem tonight. There were a lot of problems. A lot of problems everywhere, always! The microwave never worked, for one, no matter how many times I complained to Pete, our Pianta landlord. Why would Piantas even want to live in New Donk? They clearly hate it here! It’s always damp, dark, and awful, but at least it’s not as bad as that humid sunny island they seem to love so much.

Another problem is just the city itself! It’s so dirty and covered with wet trash! And while I don’t hate Koopas and Goombas… there’s so many of them and so many of them work for that nasty King of theirs! I’ve written many letters to Mayor Pauline about it, but she’s never even responded!

Oh, wait, I’ve forgotten an important tidbit about the microwave. There’s no good place to get pasta here either! So even if I do get a nice plate of spaghetti or make some myself, the leftovers have to be eaten cold! It’s terrible! Sure, Chef Torte can make a nice ravioli from time to time, but his prices are out of this world! Not to mention he’s clearly more of a baker, so his sauce tends to be lacking.

I stared out into the rainy window and let out a sigh. This whole city was full of problems. This world was a scary place, but none of it seemed to matter anymore. There was only one thing on my mind, one thing repeating over and over.

_Mario is missing._

I shouldn’t think like that, I know I shouldn’t! I’m sure he’s just out working a case, getting too deep into it. It wouldn’t be the first time! Mario takes his private eye job very seriously. Everybody knows about the famous Detective Mario! Whenever there’s a robbery or a mystery or a… er, um, well I hate to write it but, _murder_ , Mario is almost always the first to get the call!

The chief of New Donk’s police force seems to be quite fond of him, too. The ‘Princess’ they call her, though she’s anything but spoiled royalty. She’s overworked and understaffed, bless her, but she’s always trying to rid the city of its crimes the best she can.

I’m not a gossipy person by any means, but _I_ think she gets the nickname because she’s the old Chief Toadstool’s daughter. The old chief was a Toad! They _say_ she’s his legitimate daughter, but, well, I have my doubts. I just don’t say them out loud.

…

I was trying to keep my brother out of my mind. Trying to think of something else. But…

It’s been a week since I’ve seen him. I held the Princess’ personal number in my hand. ‘ _Only use this in an emergency.’_ Is this an emergency? What really counts as an emergency? It’s not an _immediate_ emergency, I guess, and it could just be Mario doesn’t have any coins to call me and let me know he’s okay. He’s probably fine. Ms. Toadstool is already very busy. I really shouldn’t bother her. Not to mention I’m not the best at phone calls. They give me anxiety.

I tried to go about the days as normal, hoping, truly hoping that things would turn out okay. I dusted Mario’s desk three separate times just today! I checked the pipes in the bathroom and made sure the kitchen sink wasn’t clogged. They’re all working perfectly!

But I’ve been finding less and less problems around the office. There’s only one problem now, and no matter how many of the smaller problems I fix, this one seems to get bigger and bigger every minute. I had to face it.

That’s it. I should just call her! I should call Princess Peach and ask her if she’s spoken to my brother! That’s all! It won’t be too hard, she won’t be mad! Sure, we’ve only spoken maybe once or twice over the years, but she… she likes me, right? She wouldn’t hate Mario’s brother, right? Even if I am just a worthless plumber who couldn’t solve a mystery to save my life.

Oh no. Oh, she must think that, doesn’t she? Everyone surely does. We’re the Mario Bros. Detective Agency, but everyone _must_ know that I never help. I’m never out there with Mario!

No! No, no, this is bigger than you, Luigi! Come on, you can do it! You can call her!

I reached for the phone and already I noticed my trembling fingers. Why must I be like this?! I lifted the phone off the receiver and I heard that dreaded dial tone buzzing, demanding I do something with it.

Call her! Call her, come on!

I put in six digits. Only one more number. Just press this number and you’ll be calling the chief of police’s emergency personal line! That’s all! No big deal. Just press it, Luigi, come on! Mario wouldn’t hesitate to call if you were missing!

_Bang bang bang bang!_

Someone knocked at our door, the sudden noise causing the phone to slip out of my gloves with a jolt. I suppressed the urge to scream because the Shy Guys next door kept complaining about that, and then Pete would show up knocking and ask what the ruckus was all about and-

_Knockknockknockknock!_

“W-we’re-a closed!” I mumbled, cursing my awkward stutter. This was why I didn’t like talking!

The door went quiet for a moment, as if contemplating if it wanted to keep being knocked on. It then said, ‘ _Yeah actually, I still wanna be knocked on._ ’

_Knock knock knock!!!_

“You guys are supposed to be open!” a voice yelled. Female. My heart pumped even faster. I’m no good at talking to anyone, especially women! “I’ve seen the flyers! I read ‘em! I’ve seen you on the news! Always sayin’ ‘We’re-a always open!’” She mocked my brother’s voice.

“No, uh, we’re a-ah-a, no.” Agh, I couldn’t get the words out right. I had this all planned out if any customer showed up! Mario was on vacation and we’re not here! Although… wait, if I told people that, they’d know _I’m_ here. Oh.

“Stop being weird and open up already!”

No! I’m _never_ opening up! Leave me alone!

“Okey dokey,” I said. Why do I do this.

Despite my brain’s insistence on keeping the door locked, despite wanting to be left alone right now, I found my legs moving towards the source of the horrid yelling. With an extremely _un_ satisfying click, I unlocked the door. Immediately it swung open, practically throwing me back against Mario’s desk.

“Finally!” the woman shouted with a huff. “I expected better service from the famous Mario Brothers!” Her bright blue eyes scanned over our office wildly, as if she were looking for some kind of hidden treasure. “Kind of a dump. You live here?”

Her legs were tanned and fit, probably from years of sports and other strenuous activities. I felt the strangest urge to categorize the height of said legs. I don’t know why. Maybe it was the fact she was wearing very short shorts on a rainy day? I felt her piercing gaze land on me and quickly averted my eyes. Her brown hair was short and stylish. Clearly someone with a lot of time and money on her hands.

“Don’t you talk?” she asked, shaking her dripping umbrella all over my carpet without a care.

“I, uh, a, yes.” I wish Mario was here. He would have handled this so much better. I’m such an embarrassment.

The woman narrowed her eyes. “You’re weird. You always seem way more upbeat on TV next to _Peach_.” She practically spat the name out.

I’m not Mario! I don’t look anything like him! He wears red, I wear green! Also, why do you hate Peach so much?

“I, uh, a-heh,” was all that came out, mixed with a few awkward hand motions.

She stared at me. I could _feel_ the judgement.

“Yeah well, whatever, I got an important case for you, Mario.”

I felt my hands smothering Mario’s hat way too harshly. Wait! Mario’s hat!? Had I been holding that this whole time?! I quickly checked my head for my own hat. Phew, still there. Still, this woman was oddly fixated on the one bit of red I _wasn’t_ wearing.

She tapped her sporty shoes on my damp carpet, very much making it harder to clean out. “Aren’t you going to get behind your desk and offer me a chair or something? What kind of establishment are you running here!?”

It’s! I’m! I’m not Mario! I’m not a detective! I’m just a plumber! I can’t help you with your case!

“S-sorry,” I said, scooching behind Mario’s desk and sitting in his cold chair. I awkwardly held out my hand in the direction of the chair opposite of the desk. With a grumpy huff, she sat down, crossing her legs directly in front of me. Again, I felt compelled to note the length of her legs and the shortness of her shorts. The word ‘dame’ came to mind for some reason, but all of this seemed very rude of me.

Fortunately, my potted Fire Flower stared at me now instead of her. It was the desk’s colorful centerpiece. I always made sure to keep it watered and happy. I really felt like it livened up this dark dreary place. Even if it had a cold unblinking stare, I knew that the Fire Flower wasn’t judging me. I allowed myself a smile in the privacy of our gaze.

“Ugh, can you get that thing out of the way?” the woman grunted, pushing the potted plant to the side, and revealing her scowling face to me again. My smile disappeared with it. “How am I supposed to talk to you if I can’t even see you?!”

It’s much better that way!! It’s way easier to talk if I can’t see you!

“Sorry.”

“This city,” she sighed, pressing her hand against her forehead. “You guys have fun, but you’re all weirdos and freaks. Guess that’s why I like it here. Better than back home. Nothin’ to do there except play tennis or golf or whatever with all the rich assholes.”

Ah! I am not okay with that language!

The woman appeared to completely forget why she was even here. “You okay with smoking in your office? I mean I assume that’s what the Fire Flower here is for.”

I shook my head, the universal sign for no!

However, this woman was apparently from another universe.

“Great, cool,” she said, taking out a cigarette from her pocket. Before I could protest, (not that I’d have been able to protest) she placed the gross thing between her lips in what I could only imagine was a kissing position. Without so much as a warning, she leaned closer towards me and my heart nearly bursted out of my chest.

My Fire Flower lit the edge of her cigarette. She took a slow drag from it, fire and ashes burning where the once clean stick used to be. Disgusting! I couldn’t help but notice the calming effect it had on her though. Her excited demeanor changed as she exhaled a black cloud of smoke into my face, like she was expelling all the Bad inside of her. There was a lot of Bad. I coughed, but she didn’t mind.

She leaned back with a quiet sigh, her eyes staring out to the same white and red neon mushroom sign outside the window. “Ah. That’s much better.”

I let the room stay quiet. It was nice this way. The sound of the rain, her hushed smoking breaths and the various rustlings from the Shy Guy next door. It was… almost soothing? I could nearly forget about the hat in my hands. But not quite.

“Oh,” she said slowly, finally bringing her attention back to me, her head in a cloud of smoke. “How silly of me. I forgot to introduce myself.”

She pressed her cigarette down onto Mario’s desk, snuffing out any flames with her strong fingers. I was hypnotized by her lips, by the black of the smoke floating about her. She breathed her words out slowly, her mouth moving in slow motion to me.

_“Hi. I’m Daisy.”_


	2. You Have to

Things didn’t go well once I finally explained that I wasn’t Mario.

“What do you mean you’re not Mario!?” she yelled, slamming her palms down on his desk. She nearly knocked over Charlie. (That’s my Fire Flower!) “What kind of weirdo dresses up like Mario and hangs around in his office all day then!?”

I tried to explain the best I could. I’m his brother! I … I just like to dress like my big brother! We live here in the office! It’s better than renting a second room and saves us money, which to be frank, we’re in desperate need of. Daisy seemed insulted at the notion of needing money.

Most people just assume because Mario is famous, we’re paid extremely well! Sadly, Mario is a little bit _too_ kind. He’ll often do jobs for free or take an extremely low pay. Chief Peach always tries her best to pay him too! But… the New Donk Police Department isn’t in the best shape either.

It wasn’t like I minded or anything! Mario and I have always felt most comfortable in a cozy home like this. And while I admit, I do sometimes wish Mario would accept gifts or tips, I’m not the one out there doing any of the work, so I don’t dare bring it up to him. What right of that is mine after all?

Daisy’s face contorted in disgust. “Well, whatever. None of that matters to me.” Although, it clearly _did_ matter to her a little. “I need help and I don’t care if you’re Mario’s cousin! You’re going to help me!”

Oh, believe me, you would not want our cousin helping you.

I tried my best to tell her no. I really did! I shook my head, I said sorry I can’t, I teared up a little, and I cowered at her powerful gaze! Usually this gets me out of anything anyone asks me. I’ve learned that if you look pathetic enough (and boy, do I look pathetic) that most people will stop asking for your help.

Daisy was not most people.

“Quit your crying, will you?” Daisy demanded. And for whatever reason, my body obeyed her commands. I couldn’t even force a sniffle. “Now are you going to help me or not?”

No! Absolutely not! Never in a million years! What could I possibly do to help you?!

“Okey dokey,” I said with a slow nod. Argh! Why am I constantly in a losing war with myself?!

“That’s better,” Daisy said, clearly pleased with herself. She seemed all too aware of what she was doing, as if she had done this a million times. “Now, about my case…”

She told me so much. So much information! I could barely keep up. I don’t think I’ve even talked with my own brother as much! Apparently, Miss Daisy was from someplace called Sarasacity. It sounded foreign. I’ve never heard of it! Then again, I barely know what’s two blocks away from our home.

“Hey! Shouldn’t you be writing this down?” Daisy growled, noting the blank stare that must have been on my face. “That’s what detectives do, don’t they!?”

“S-sorry!” I said back, fumbling through Mario’s desk. I pushed aside his mushroom cigars (I really wish he would quit) and found a stash of notepads.

There were a lot of used red notepads scrawled with messy handwriting that I could barely read, but I found one unused in the very back. In green. With the letter L on its cover. I felt so ashamed. He must have wanted me to join his detective adventures at some point. It must not have taken him long to give up on that.

“Good, good.” Daisy nodded, seeing the notepad in my hands. I scribbled down everything she told me to the best of my ability. “Anyways, as I was saying…”

I guess Daisy was known as some sort of sports celebrity over in her city? At least, that’s what she told me. Everyone knew her! Everyone but, uh, me. I’m not much of a sports fan, I’m more into cartoons. She wasn’t just a master at one sport either! Tennis, golf, soccer, you name it! This woman was at the top of every game somehow!

“But it’s just so boring, you know?” Daisy sighed, arm dangling ungracefully over the chair. She stared out into the neon signs of the dark city again. “I don’t wanna play sports anymore. I wanna go somewhere dark and gritty and gross! I wanna party with Goombas and Koopas! Maybe even some Bandits! I wanna try what those Shy Guys next door are selling!”

Okay, well, I don’t know how relevant any of that was, but I wrote it down anyway. Also, what are those awful Shy Guys making!? Nothing illegal, I hope! Oh, Mario is far too kind! He probably knew what they were up to and never told the police.

“Ah, well, anyway,” Daisy huffed, as if none of this illegal activity was a big deal. “The other day I was over in Bowser’s Castle, right?”

Bowser’s Castle!? Even I knew that place! That’s a dance club/casino run by the infamous ‘King’ Bowser! It’s his base of operations! Chief Peach and even Mario have tried to pin a crime on him for years, but nothing ever seems to stick. The guy always comes out squeaky clean. Evidence goes missing. Witnesses strangely don’t want to talk anymore.

Why would Daisy want to go to a place like that?! It’s just asking for trouble! Mario always told me to stay away from there, told me never to get involved in something so dangerous. It seemed there was no one around to tell Daisy that though. That’s kind of sad, isn’t it?

“That Bowser certainly knows how to run a place!” Daisy went on, Power Stars in her eyes. “I’ve never had so much fun in all my life! Oh, the music was so dark but so cool! The people there didn’t treat me like a stuffy celebrity. They knew who I was, but I could tell if I let my guard down for even a second, I might wake up missing a liver in an alley somewhere.”

And what about that sounds fun!?

“I personally don’t think they’re all as bad as people say, though. Those Koopa Bros are big dopes. All bark and no bite. Once you show them you’re not some dainty little princess, they learn their place.”

She hung out with the Koopa Bros!? Bowser’s personal ninja assassins?! Well, they’re _officially_ listed as his bodyguards/bouncers of Bowser’s Castle, but everyone knows who had done it when they find a shuriken on the scene of a crime.

Mario even personally put a few of them away at some points, and I remember being so proud of him! But he just frowned and reached for his cigars. The Koopa Bros always took the fall for Bowser, who was his real target. Mario wouldn’t talk about it much. He didn’t like to be angry around me.

“Right, so, keep this to yourself. Confidentiality and whatever,” Daisy said, waving the words away like a troublesome fly. “I couldn’t get in to see Bowser himself, and I admit, I really wanted to! But I did get to meet his right-hand woman! Kammy Koopa! She’s kind of a stuck up old hag, but she sold me some amazing, uh…” She stopped and glared at me. “You’re not gonna snitch on me, right?”

I really should, shouldn’t I? For her own sake.

I shook my head, no. I would be too scared to snitch on her.

“Good. She sold me the most amazing Royal Syrup I’ve ever had in my whole life!” Again, I saw the Power Stars in her eyes, but this time it was slightly more disconcerting.

There was a blankness there that I didn’t like, a thing that muted her, that almost controlled her. I’ve heard about Syrup addicts. I’ve seen them on the street. It’s a sad state of affairs. It’s commonly used to treat sickness, (lethargy, unable to power up, that sort of thing) but Bowser’s gang makes the stuff illegally.

I’ve read up about it on gossip articles and heard that rumor is he’s got a few Honeybees locked up throughout the city, all forced to make his ‘Royal Syrup.’ They say that Queen Bee never died in that explosion over in Honeyhive lane. There was no body found. They _say_ that Bowser has her somewhere. But no one’s ever found proof of that.

“And well, heh,” Daisy laughed, but even I could tell she was feeling embarrassed. She reached for another cigarette hurriedly. “Guess I sorta drank too much of the stuff? Blacked out for a couple of days. Can’t remember a single thing.”

A… a couple of days!?

“Yeah.” She returned her gaze to the window, as if it was easier to look there. “I woke up over here on Pipe Street with a nasty hangover and about 90% less coins than I came with. That’s not really the problem. Money isn’t an issue.” She puffed another breath of black. “I lost my crown.”

For once, I detected a hint of shame in her movements. The confident strong woman that started here seemed to be blowing all that away with each puff of smoke.

“God, I was so stupid to bring it along. I didn’t think anyone would ever be able to pull a fast one on me. I thought I could show it off in public. I thought I could prove all those rich assholes wrong. That I didn’t need them.”

I felt for her. New Donk City is a harsh place. I’ve seen nights where even Mario questioned why he stayed here. Even when it came to my own brother, I never knew the right thing to say.

“Sorry,” I muttered.

That caught her attention. She realized she was no longer talking to herself. The stars faded away and the flowery blue of her eyes returned.

“Whatever! That isn’t important. My job for you is to find my crown again! It was a gift from my grandma! Passed down through my family! It’s priceless! It goes all the way back to when my ancestors used to rule over the lands or something!”

…I had a feeling she had no idea what the actual significance of her crown was.

“But I can’t go back without it, you understand?” Daisy said, rather threateningly I might add! “They’ll never let me live it down! That damn Peasly will be so god damn smug.” She spat the name out like acid. “They’ll never let me leave again!”

She knew Peasly?! Now there was a fine celebrity! Maybe whoever ‘ _they’_ was, ‘ _they’_ were right to not let her leave?

Daisy was more perceptive than I gave her credit for. She clarified who ‘ _they’_ were. “My stupid Coach! He used to be some Admiral Navy guy or whatever. Bobbery! You _must_ have heard of him! He’s famous!”

She paused, waiting for my reaction. I had none. Who … was that guy?

“After he retired his boring life in the sea because of like some dead wife or whatever, he became a world-famous coach, but personally I don’t see what’s so great about him! He’s…”

This went on a little longer than necessary. I don’t think I needed to write down details about this Bobbery such as ‘he’s more strict than a bob-omb’s lit butt!’ She used stronger language, but I refuse to write that down! From what I gathered, it just sounded like he wanted to take care of her and wanted the best for her. Or maybe he just really wanted a good tennis player under his belt.

Either way, there was one thing I knew for certain.

Daisy was desperate to prove herself. I think I could understand that. I might not have had the courage or power that she did, but I feel that urge, too. To be someone better than I am. I know that can never happen, but when Daisy looked me in the eye, I felt that burning sensation, that power and energy.

“So!” Daisy exclaimed, perking up after her talk as if I were her therapist! “That’s, like, pretty much everything probably? I figure you should, I dunno, go out and do some detectiving?”

“Ah, a, w-well,” I said, trying to explain that it’s pretty late? Also, it’s raining? Also, I kind of don’t want to? Not to mention I still need to call Peach and ask about Mario?

Somehow, that all appeared to get through to her. Daisy nodded along, as if she had perfectly understood what I had said.

“What’s it matter if it’s raining and late? Isn’t that when you detectives do best? I mean, let me be real here for a moment,” she said, as if she had ever stopped being real. “I’ve got no money and I’ve got no place to stay, sooooooo…” She shrugged. “I was thinking I could just stay here? And it’s not polite to stay with a lady you don’t know, so you should probably go.”

No! What?! She’s trying to kick me out of my own home?! Does she really think I’m so pathetic and lowly to say yes to that?

Ah, who am I kidding let’s get this over with.

“Okey dokey,” I sighed.

Before I could even realize what was happening, I felt her strong hands gripping and pushing my shoulders, shoving me out the door. “Great! Thanks! Let me know how it goes tomorrow, all right?! I’m beat! I really need some shut eye!”

“Bye bye,” I said to the already closed (and locked) door. What have I gotten myself into now? Oh well. I could use the ‘fresh’ air anyway, I guess. Daisy doesn’t seem like she’s all that bad.

It wouldn’t kill you to help someone out for once, Luigi!

 …

I hope.

* * *

 

The air outside reeked of humidity. A dampness clung to my overalls, a warm sweaty wetness that soaked into my skin. The rain at least helped keep things slightly cooler, made it feel like it was normal to be this wet. Dark clouds swirled through the sky and spotlights attempted to pierce the black stuff in vain. Bright neon lights reflected against the dark. It was ominous to say the least.

I stood at the stoop of our building’s entrance, staring out into the dripping city. A quiet rustling came from down on the sidewalk below. Rats, probably. Or maybe a Squeek. Gross.

Now that I was standing here, I had to think. What in the world should I even be doing!? I promised to help Daisy find her crown but… how would I even begin? I didn’t even know what the crown looked like! Maybe I should have asked more questions…

Or maybe I should forget all that and focus on Mario? Oh, there was too much, too much! Too much anxiety, too much worry, too much city! I’ll never be able to find this crown, I’ll never be able to find my brother!

I slapped myself across the face a little harder than I probably should have.

… Relax! Relax, Luigi! Come on! Let’s take this one step at a time. That’s what Mario would do! He wouldn’t worry, he wouldn’t let anything get to him. Maybe he wasn’t always sure what to do, but he’d always take a step forward. Maybe that’s all I need to do? Take a step forward. That’s something I can do! One step forward into the city! Small steps towards goals! Let’s do it! I’m de best!

I let out a determined huff and nodded, a stern and serious frown across my lips. Yeah! I can do this. I gotta be tough and grizzled like every other detective. I took my first confident step forward into the city, into the mystery, and into the courageous brand-new Luigi!

Everything was going extremely well until my foot attempted to land on solid ground. Something hard, yet strangely soft found itself under the sole of my shoe. It squeaked and screamed and writhed in anger, knocking me off my balance and down onto the damp dirty sidewalk face first.

“Ow ow, hey!” a voice screeched. “What the hell are you doing!?” Although I was dazed and staring at my bruised nose, I attempted to stay confident! Using my hearing skills, I noticed it was a female voice!

“Did… did you just try to stomp me?” she asked, a tinge of disgust and horror in her voice. “I knew this city had some creeps, I knew people didn’t treat us Goombas right, but ohmigosh! I can’t believe you’d try to do this in public! And to an officer of the law! I’d say you’re brave, but you’re the worst kind of sleezebag there is!”

I clearly hit a sore spot here. Also, my back. My back hurt. I tried my best to apologize, but this woman was not having it. Her tiny form towered over my nose in front of me. The first thing that stood out was the dark blue of her uniform and the bright red and white letters printed on it. _NDPD_.

“You’re under arrest for assaulting an officer!” she yelled, her blonde hair a wet mess and looking like the bottom of my shoe for some reason. She reached into her tiny jacket’s pocket and pulled out a pair of handcuffs which was impressive considering she was a Goomba.

Things started turning into a kind of kerfuffle, and she maybe even muttered a curse under her breath as she struggled to get the cuffs around my wrists with nothing but her feet and her fangs. “Stop struggling, creep!”

I’m not! I’m trying to help put my hands behind my back! Although, ow, that hurts, wait, let me just stretch for a second?

“Won’t come quietly, will you!?” she yelled as one of my arms flailed in dismay, a cuff clinking along against it. “You like bonkin’ people on the head, do ya? Well, let’s see how _you_ like it!”

**_Bonk_ ** _!_

I didn’t like it at all. In fact, I didn’t like it so much that I sort of blacked out right there. Well, at least it got me to stop struggling.

* * *

 

My head ached. I was damp, I was dirty, I was unconscious, and I was under arrest. My first step into the big city was not going well. I knew I could never get anywhere without Mario. At the very least, being unconscious certainly made things easier for me! I didn’t have to worry about where I was going or who I was bothering. The swelling on my forehead did hurt, though. Wait, if I’m unconscious, how can I think all this or feel that?

Oh no. I’m pretending to be unconscious, aren’t I?!

I tried to will my eyes open to find where I was. My eyelids refused. They would not let me break character! I had no idea where I was or how I got here. I vaguely remember something hard sticking into my back, as if someone was carrying me on their head like a bowl of fruit.

There were voices. Many voices! Things were starting to become clearer. A phone rang. Multiple phones. Scratchy strained voices were answering them quickly. _Toads_. But they were distant, maybe in another room? Two other voices were louder than the rest, and their words slowly began to form into my mind. I wish I could stay unconscious!

“…bella, what is…” This voice was soft, sweet, but stern and powerful. Hearing it alone made me feel safe.

“…salted me!...” Oh. This was the Goomba police officer. I recognized her voice.

“… know how it is but…”

“You have no idea how it is!”

Silence. The door slammed shut. I could no longer hear the Toad voices outside. The soft voice stayed quiet for a while.

“Goombella, I know you’re under a lot of stress, but I will not allow you to raise your voice to me like that. I’m starting to question if I should have trusted you with this after all. You’re more of a loose cannon than Toadet-er...”

She didn’t finish her sentence for some reason.

I could tell the female Goomba was holding her tongue, trying to keep her anger in check. There was an uncomfortably soggy silence as she shuffled in her damp uniform.

“Sorry, Chief.”

Chief!? It didn’t take a genius detective to figure this one out. I must be in Chief Toadstool’s office!

“You should be. One more outburst like that and you’re off the case. Understand?” The Princess’ words were harsh, but her voice kept that softness. There was a compassion there that was hard to explain.

Even through all that, this Goombella stayed tough and sassy. “I understand. But I don’t take Goomba discrimination lightly, y’know?!”

Chief Toadstool let out an exasperated sigh. “I know, Goombella, I know. But this is Luigi. He couldn’t hurt a fly.”

She actually knows who I am?! I felt joy fluttering in my chest for the briefest of moments.

“ _That’s_ Luigi!?” said the officer. “That’s Mario’s brother!? I mean… I … I guess the tacky outfit gives it away, but I expected well…more.”

“Most people do.”

Ah, that joy didn’t last long.

“Well, I was on my way to check out Mario’s office for any signs of him. I was scanning the outside of perimeter for any possible _clues,_ y’know? I didn’t expect to find any before I visited the office, but I also didn’t expect to get someone totally trying to stomp on me!”

“I’m certain Luigi just stumbled onto you,” Chief Toadstool said all too accurately. I only met her a few times in my whole life! How did she know!?

“…Really?” Goombella asked, insulted that I was just clumsy instead of actively evil.

“I’m certain.” She paused before changing the subject. “So, I can assume you found nothing then?”

“Uh, um!”

“It’s all right. I figured as much. It’s probably best you brought him here anyway. I need to ask Luigi if he knows anything.”

Me? If I know anything? Oh no. This was starting to sound worse and worse. What happened to you, Mario? I… I can’t find out. I’m going to stay unconscious. I don’t want to wake up.

“How are we supposed to do that? He’s so out of it he might as well be in Beanbean City!”

See! It’s so much better this way. No questions need to be answered. No one needs to rely on me.

“He’s not.” Chief Toadstool sighed. “Luigi, get up.”

No! No, I won’t get up! How can she tell I’m faking it?! If there’s one thing I’m good at, it’s lying down with my eyes closed _really_ hard!

“Okey dokey,” my mouth said much too easily. There was no point in hiding it anymore. I opened my eyes and nearly blinded myself to the florescent lighting.

Goombella’s pink face was flushed in shock and anger. She was still looking pretty roughed up from our encounter. Her police hat was askew and the little mushroom emblem on its center seemed about ready to fall off.

“Were you faking it the whole time!? Did you make me carry you all the way here for nothing?!”

I nodded. Well, I don’t know just how _much_ I was faking it. I was certainly unconscious at least a little. Maybe I should have been a little more honest towards the end there though.

“I can’t believe this,” she grumbled.

“That’s not important right now, Goombella,” Chief Toadstool said, turning to me. I wished I was unconscious again. Her bright blue eyes stared into mine, and it made me uncomfortable. I could see the bags underneath, could tell she hadn’t had a good night’s sleep in weeks.

“Of course it’s not. Never is with me, is it?” Goombella muttered. The Princess ignored it.

“Luigi,” Chief Toadstool started. I was not used to anyone saying my name so much. It was usually only my brother. “When was the last time you spoke to or saw Mario?”

Oh no. Oh no. My mind raced. Thoughts swirled together in a horrible mishmash like two Yoshis trying to lick the same ice cream cone. This was exactly what I was afraid of, this was exactly what I didn’t want to hear! If Princess Peach didn’t know where Mario was, things were bad. Things were really bad. What could have happened? What if he was kidnapped? What if he was hurt? What if it was… worse?

“Luigi,” she repeated, snapping me back into the reality of her cramped office. “I know this must be tough right now, but please try to answer me. I’m sure you’re well aware that Mario’s been missing for quite some time. If you can tell us anything, anything at all, we might have a better shot at finding him.”

Was my face pale? It must have been pale. It must have been terrified. Goombella stared at me open mouthed like I was some kind of burning trash fire. There was a seriousness to Toadstool’s voice that frightened me more than anything. I had hoped she would tell me everything would be okay, but here she was, explaining to me that things were probably worse than I had imagined. Here she was, explaining that she didn’t know where Mario was to his brother! Because his brother is too stupid to know he’s even missing in the first place!

“Say something, man!” Goombella shouted, a verbal bonk to my noggin.

“Sorry,” I quickly replied. I tried to think of the last time I saw Mario. It felt like so long ago, like a completely different time. Like a different universe even. It must have been a week ago. I told them as such, or at least the best I could with my stutters.

A week ago. Mario had brought home some Ravioli from Chef Torte’s Bakery. (I think they were just frozen raviolis from the grocery store nearby that Chef Torte is trying to pass off as gourmet, but I suppose that’s not important.)

“It’s not!” Goombella said impatiently.

He also brought home some amazing Strawberry and Lime Chuckolacola bottles home to drink! Straight from Cork and Cask from across the street! (Don’t tell Chef Torte. He _hates_ Cork and Cask, and I think they hate him.)

“Yes, yes, we all know those stores are rivals for some reason.” Goombella tapped her foot on the tile.

Weird, I’ve never seen her around, how would she know that?

“Look, I know _everybody,_ okay?”

Except me, I guess.

“Please go on, Luigi,” Toadstool said lightly, although her pleasant tone appeared to be reaching its limit. “Did Mario say anything about what he was going to be doing, did he have any plans to go anywhere?”

And just how was I supposed to answer this?! Mario and I, well… We live together, and we eat together and all that, but we never really talk to each other that much? It’s not that we don’t like each other or anything. It’s just that we don’t feel the need to have to say anything to each other! Mario does his thing and I do my thing, which is mostly just stay at home and fix the plumbing and work on the kitchen sink. That sink is a monster, I tell you. One time I found a Piranha Plant the size of-

“Luigi, please!” Toadstool said, exasperated.

“Sorry.”

Well, I remember that night a little bit at least. Mario was in a good mood, and that made me happy, too. I might not have the best life or live the most fulfilling days, but knowing that my brother is out there working hard to help people and do good things in the world makes me feel a little bit like… _I_ did that.

Maybe it’s cruel of me to try and leech off his glory. But all I knew was he was happy, and I was happy for him. He ate his ravioli at his desk and I ate in the living room and watched a documentary about how Chuckola Cola is made. He fell asleep at his desk and I cleaned up and went to bed on my own and that’s it.

Goombella was not nearly as good at hiding her emotions as Toadstool was. Eyebrow raised, she was clearly skeptical of the whole thing. “What about the next morning? Did you talk to Mario at all? See where he was going? Anything??”

I shook my head. Mario is usually gone before I wake up. It didn’t seem like anything out of the ordinary. He’d always call if he wasn’t going to make it home, but he never did that night. Or the next one. Or the next one. I waited by the phone. So many terrible scenarios ran through my head. I just wanted to hear the phone ring, to hear it all go back to normal.

“I’m sorry, Luigi,” Toadstool said, her eyes betraying nothing. It seemed sincere. “It’s not your job to know everything your brother does. I should have kept better tabs on him.”

Did she know something about what happened to Mario?! Did she send him on a case?! Was it an overly dangerous case!?

“No, no, it was nothing like that,” Toadstool said firmly. “Mario does not always work for us, you realize.” I know it wasn’t an insult, and if I tried to prove it was, everyone would call me a liar, but I could swear she was a little passive aggressive there. “He’s a private detective first and foremost. Sometimes he gets a job for something that I’m not aware of. I am wondering if this was one of those times. I’ve tried to get into contact with him over the past week, but I’ve had no luck.”

Gombella stared at Peach for a moment, as if trying find something.

She shook it off, adding, “And that’s when she sent me in to investigate! Mario may not be a cop like us, but he’s a hero to New Donk City! He’s helped us so much over the years! We just wanted to make sure he was okay!”

I couldn’t help but feel strange about the whole situation. I never knew ‘Princess Peach’ that well, but I felt like she was hiding something. She didn’t look it, but she was very worried about Mario’s wellbeing. Why? Was it really just because he was an ace detective? Of course, I kept all this to myself. I didn’t doubt Goombella at least.

“And we know nothing so far,” Toadstool said with another sigh. She appeared to be losing more and more of her energy as time went on. I felt like there was a bit of aggression buried deep in her words, but it wasn’t aimed at me.

“Sorry, Peach,” Goombella said, assuming that aggression was meant for her. I wasn’t sure it was.

“Chief.”

“Er, uh, Chief Toadstool. Ma’am.”

I guess when you’re the boss it’s important to keep up appearances. Even in front of someone like me.

“Well, if that’s everything, I suppose I should get back to work. Toadsworth has been on my case even more than usual lately, and Bowser’s been quiet for too long. It’s not like him. Not to mention there’s been a surplus of weapons on the streets lately. I think Smithy has been working over time for some odd reason, and Toadsworth wants me to find out why.”

Smithy? Why did that name sound familiar? And why did it send metallic chills down my spine?

Goombella groaned. “Don’t I know it. None of the boys have had Cackletta’s location confirmed in days either. It’s like they know Mario’s not around. I don’t like it, Chief.”

And Cackletta? Again, I think I know that name. A celebrity maybe? But there was something fairly awful about it.

Chief Toadstool nodded and took a seat at her desk. She suppressed the urge to sigh. Even her blinks seemed slower, like she was trying to milk every moment of rest she could. “I don’t like it either. That’s why I want you to escort Luigi back to his home.”

“Eh? Me? Why?!”

“You brought him here,” she said almost gently. “I think it’s common courtesy that you should take him back. Not to mention you’re supposed to be investigating the building for any clues anyway, remember?” There was that muffled anger again. 

“It’s just, I don’t even have a partner anymore, y’know?” Goombella felt eyes burning into her. “I mean-- yes ma’am.”

“And Luigi, if you remember anything, or find anything at all, you be sure to call me all right?” She stared at me dead on, her tired eyes gleaming like dusty royal gems. I don’t think I could refuse her even if I wanted. “Is there anything else you need before you go?”

Ah! Well! That reminded me! There was one thing I needed to look into. If anyone would know, maybe it would be them?

Chief Toadstool tilted her head in confusion. “Daisy’s crown? What about that woman? She’s not reported anything stolen to us.”

Hmm. I suppose it made sense Daisy didn’t want to get involved with the law.

Goombella’s eyes lit up like bob-ombs on the fourth of July. “Ohmigosh, _the_ Daisy!? You know her!?”

Yes! I explained to them that she has me on a case to find her missing crown! Chief Toadstool seemed unimpressed, but Goombella could hardly contain her excitement. At least it looked like it wouldn’t be a quiet trip back home.


	3. You Better Do It Right

I didn’t want to think about it. About my meeting with the Princess. I had hoped maybe she would have cleared everything up, that she could ease my worries. But in the back of my mind I felt a gnawing dark, like a Chain Chomp that hadn’t eaten in days, abandoned by its owner. It was angry, it was hungry, and it wanted nothing more than to make itself known, to let the world know how terrible and awful it was. The more time went on, the louder and angrier it became.

I should keep my head clear. Focus on Daisy’s case. Just do that. It’s easier to think about that. Easier to think about anything else.

We were back out on Mushroom Street, back into the mushy rain of the city. At least here, the little mushroom lamps glowed with a pleasant yellow through their speckles, casting an almost starry light across the buildings. Toads walked about the streets in their mushroom umbrellas and mushroom raincoats chattering away and enjoying their nights. I couldn’t help but be jealous of them. I wish I could be as happy as they were.

It didn’t surprise me to see so many people out on this wet night. Rain was an inevitability in New Donk City. Us New Donkians just got used to it. If you weren’t soaked _somewhere_ , you weren’t in New Donk.

I noted how clean the streets were here too. No Chain Chomps, no loose Piranha Plants, no leaking pipes in need of fixing, no pot holes, and no Goombas.

Er. Well. Except Goombella. She walked ahead of me confidently, or at least as confidently as one could in a place where no one else looked like you. She put on a tough face, but if there’s one thing I understand, it’s the fear of not fitting in.

“Evenin’, Goombella!”  said a Toad carrying various items haphazardly in an old crate. Mushrooms jiggled and badges threatened to topple out at any moment.

“Evening, Thiff. Say hello to Plenn for me, will you? I’ll probably stop by later for the usual.” With a casual motion she jumped into the air and bonked a falling mushroom back into the perpetual state of unbalance in the Toad’s arms, saving him quite a bit of trouble.

“Can do!”

It wasn’t long before another cheerful Toad came by. “Hi, Goombella!”

“Hello, Minh. Garden doing well in all this rain?”

“You bet! My flowers are thirsty little fellas!”

Before the other Toad could even finish talking, a pair of Toad kids found themselves rushing towards us, barely able to contain their excitement. Goombella frowned. “Hey! Dane! You two shouldn’t be out this late!”

The one in red waved a letter out as he zoomed by, giggling with his friend. “Sorry, Ms. Bella! But I had a letter waiting for me! I couldn’t wait! We’ll go home right away, promise!”

Just when I thought there couldn’t _possibly_ be another, I found myself stumbling over Goombella’s stopped form, desperately trying not to step on her yet again.

“Goombella! Or should I say Miss Stomps-A-Lot?” a raspy old voice cried. Raspy even for a Toad. “Is that you?”

“Yes. You know it’s me, Zess-” she caught herself with a slight stutter. “Er. Ms. T.”

The old Toad woman frowned, her eyes glaring dangerously at Goombella, seeing all too well. “Oh, excuse me! It seems you must have forgotten that you _stepped_ on my contact lenses, leaving me virtually blind! Then you had the gall to forget to pay me back, too!”

“I said I was sorry! I’ll pay you back soon, okay?!” Goombella growled, trying her best to hide her temper and failing.

“Oh, I do hope so! I’d hate to have to tell Princess Peach about this,” the Toad woman said in a tone that implied she actually would _not_ hate to tell the chief of police about this.

“Money’s tight, okay? I’m still paying off student loans and-”

“I didn’t ask for your life story, Stompy! I think you’ll find it’s quite hard to be a chef when you can’t tell the difference between a cucumber and a shoe! I also need money to live too, you know!”

I had to wonder what a shoe would be doing so close to her cooking ingredients, but I knew better than to ask.

“Sorry. I’ll pay you back as soon as I can, Ms. T.”

“Hmph. We’ll see,” was her reply and goodbye. Goombella let out a troubled sigh, like she had been holding her breath in the entire time.

What a horrible woman! To think she can get away with talking to a police officer like that, too! Why, if I had a spine, I’d have probably stood up to her and said ‘Hey! Please be nice! If that’s okay! Sorry.’

Goombella looked back up at me with a frown. “She’s not so bad. Rough around the edges, sure, but she’s totally a master chef and has a kind heart once you get to know her, y’know? I’ve never been a good cook, so I have to respect her skills.”

_Have_ to respect her skills. Hm. It felt more like a command.

For whatever reason, people tend to let their guard down around me. Maybe I’m naturally forgettable, or just appear so pathetic that I couldn’t possibly harm them. Either way, once we had made it to a dark alleyway and the Toads could no longer accost Goombella, I saw her cheerful smile falter. Her bright pink skin appeared to dim, and she could finally rest her facial features. Which are probably important to a Goomba, considering their faces are like 90 percent of their body.

A wet tarp stood before us, covering up some large thing that was very mysterious-

Goombella grunted and quickly pulled the tarp off with her sharp teeth, ruining the air of mystery I was trying to set up. Underneath it was a cute dark blue scooter with the speckled red and white mushroom of the NDPD on it. At its end a pair of police lights sat forlornly, as if begging to light up, yearning for that thrill of the chase. They didn’t seem to be used much. It looked to be a custom-made scooter for Goombas, with its pedals _extremely_ close to the seat.

“So yeah, this is my ride,” Goombella said with a sigh. “Sorry. It’s probably not what you were expecting or hoping for.”

I had to admit, it wasn’t what I expected. But to be completely fair, I didn’t know _what_ to expect a Goomba could even drive. Why wasn’t it parked in front of the station though? Why did she leave it here all alone in this dark alley?

Goombella’s lips formed a tight line. She was trying to play it tough. “The Toads at the station tease me about it, especially with Toadette gone. They don’t mean any harm, I know. I know they don’t. Maybe if I just told them it bothered me…”

But she couldn’t, could she?

It was never that easy to tell someone, ‘ _Hey, that hurts my feelings_!’ Because then suddenly you’re a real person with feelings and emotions. Because then suddenly you’re saying to that person ‘ _You’ve hurt me, you attacked me, you’re a horrible person_!’ And you don’t want to do that. You don’t want to hurt them like they hurt you. So you smile and laugh and pretend its okay.

“Let’s just go. I hate it here,” she said gloomily, looking out of the alleyway and into Mushroom Street. “The… alley, I mean.” Sure, Goombella.

She hopped up onto her seat with incredible ease, leaving even me astonished at her jumping skills. She motioned for me to sit behind her as she scooched her feet onto the pedals and placed the handlebar in her mouth. I shamefully hesitated.

“What, you afraid I’ll crash?” Goombella said, mouthful of handlebar. “I’ve been drivin’ sshince I was in high school! Never hit anyone! Only one who ever hit _me_ was some old Koopa who blamed _me_. Not that I could exactly prove it wasn’t my fault. Had to pay for his repairs and mine. Easier to blame the Goomba girl with no arms, right?” She shook her head and mumbled. “Damn Koot… not like he knew any better.”

Even now, she still couldn’t hold any ill will against whoever this Koot was. I quickly and clumsily gathered myself up onto the scooter’s backseat wondering desperately what I was meant to hold onto. Goombella was too short to hold. I gripped the siren’s lights desperately as soon as the scooter hummed to life. I let out a small shriek as we shot out of the alleyway and into the streets.

“Hey, man, come on. I drove all the way here with you on my head, y’know?” Goombella groaned, mouth still full of handlebar. “I only dropped you a couple of times. I’m schure we’ll be totally fine.”

As time went on, I felt myself become more and more comfortable with her driving. She was a lot safer than I would have imagined. Every stop sign, she made sure to come to a complete stop. Every kart, she gave a wide berth. She was perfect. Somehow without her arms, she even managed to put her blinker on at every turn, too. People cut her off, people didn’t even notice she existed, but she was always ready for them, always ready for anyone else’s mistakes. She had to be perfect after all. Anything less and they’d hit her.

We had no umbrella for either of us, but for once I can’t say I minded. The rainy streets were more soothing than I remembered. As long as I wasn’t the one making decisions, it wasn’t so bad. The neon lights were very pretty, especially the way they bled out onto the wet black streets of the pavement. Fire Flower oranges, Mushroom reds, Koopa Shell greens all mixed together in a wonderful watercolor before us.

“Ssscho,” Goombella started, trying to break the silence as she drove. “You know Daishy? _The_ Daishy?”

Her voice wasn’t quite so gloomy anymore when she spoke of that woman. I told her that Daisy was actually staying in my apartment right this moment! Like it was an exciting thing and like I actually knew who Daisy was before this night even started.

“Really? Sssche’s at your place? Right now?!” Goombella said excitedly, but still keeping her eyes and mouth on the road. “I … I love Daisy! Like… well not love, like that, y’know? But sche’s… schhe’s totally like a hero to me!”

Huh? Daisy? Of all people? Why?

“It’s juscht…” Goombella tried not to sound like she was drooling on the handlebars as she craned her whole body to turn left at the intersection. “Sche’s so good at sschports!” She coughed. “Sports! I mean. I’ve always wanted to be good at _any_ schport y’know? Tennisch, Golf, Bascheball, Kart Racing… _Schomething!_ And there’s just…. Well it’s not like there’s any Goombash to look up to.” We came to a gentle stop at one of the lights, the bright red of it bearing down over both of us. She let her mouth leave the handlebars.

“I just wish I could do any of that.”

I wanted to say something. I _should_ say something. I should say something like, you’re driving so well right now! You’re doing a great job as a police woman! You could play soccer, I bet? But… The light turned green. And Goombella didn’t have her mouth on the bars. She didn’t accelerate right away and of course…

_Honk! Honk!_

“I’m going, I’m going!” she grumbled, pressing her feet to the gas. She had made one mistake, and this city was not about to let her slide. It was probably my fault she messed up, but I couldn’t find the courage to tell her that either.

She didn’t say anything anymore. She left me alone with my thoughts and the rain and the hushed zooms of karts floating over the slick streets. I felt like a Boo. Didn’t want to be seen yet wanted to be heard anyway.

She probably wanted to focus on her driving.

* * *

“Cool if we stop by Torte’s place and grab a snack?” Goombella asked, already parked in front of the brightly lit bakery. I couldn’t exactly say no since we were already there. I wasn’t in the mood to eat. I couldn’t remember the last time I ate. “I’m buyin’, don’t worry.”

The shop was the same as its always been. Their huge bundt cake eyed me through the window. (No matter how many times people told them it wasn’t a bundt cake, they wouldn’t listen. And no matter how many times people told them that the cake was staring at them, they also didn’t listen.) Its candles glowed eternally, never melting. The frosting was as white and pure as the day they made it, its sugary delicacy begging to be tasted. But no one could afford it.

So it sat. And waited. And waited. And moved! It moved! I swear this thing moved! Why wouldn’t anyone believe me?! I hate coming here! The cake always glares at me! Agh, just forget it, Luigi, you’re losing it.

I looked across the street to see the Chuckolacola store still bubbling with its fizzy lights. At it’s front, a large barrel sat, bubbling. I had no proof, but I could swear that the soda was giving the cake a stink eye through the window somehow. Some strange Bean man stood whispering something into the pink fizzy liquid, pointing over at Torte’s shop before making an exaggerated laughing motion. A short man and a tall man entered the soda shop, mirroring Goombella and I entering the bakery.

“Come on, I wanna get outta this rain for a bit,” Goombella whined as she pushed the glass door open with her face. I probably should have gotten the door for her.

“Velcome, Velcome!” Chef Torte exclaimed as the door bells jingled, although they sounded more like wedding bells than regular shop bells. The Terrapin’s helmet found Goombella instantly, seeing her through the visor.

I always found it so strange how he wore that heavy armored helmet like that. All while wearing a chef’s hat, too. Terrapins were strange creatures. Clearly just Koopas, but the only difference being that they wore armor at all times. I suppose I could understand the urge to be different, but was wearing heavy metal armor really the best way to do it? Why did they want to deny their Koopa heritage? Did they think they were better than Koopas? These are questions I was much too terrified to ever ask.

“Ah! Goombella ist zat you?” the chef cried out, his helmet clanking. “Und you bring zee man today! Who ist ze lucky bachelor? Hoho!” he laughed, smashing his gauntlets/baking gloves together, smearing flour everywhere. “I hear zee vedding bells already! Maybe you vill vant to buy my vedding cake, eh?”

She frowned, slightly offended. To be honest, I was a lot more offended considering I _lived_ near here and have been here multiple times, yet Torte _still_ didn’t know who I was.

“No, Torte,” Goombella sighed. “I’m not…” she paused, trying to get her thoughts together. “For one, it’s not like that. This is Luigi, I’m just taking him home from the station. For two, I couldn’t afford your cake even if I wanted it. For three, can we just get some jelly donuts like usual?”

Torte’s armor was too strong, too thick to allow anything she said to penetrate his ego. “Hoho! Just take zee loan! A vedding ist zee most important part of zee life! You vill not regret!”

Goombella looked up at me, eyebrows raised, and fangs looking sharp. “Does he do this to you every time?”

He doesn’t even know who I am.

“Fair point.” She shook her head and let out a sigh. “Just a dozen jelly donuts, will ya?” She looked at me. “Have as many as you want, Luigi. Whatever you don’t eat, I’ll give to the boys back at the station.” I had to admit, it felt nice having someone trying to get me to eat again. Usually that was Mario’s job.

“Ah, yes, yes! For zee vonderful police voman I charge only five coins!” he said with a smile. Or at least, probably a smile. I couldn’t see under his helmet. “Ze morons across ze way, zhey do not care about ze boys in blue like _I_ do!”

Goombella nodded along like she had heard this speech a thousand times, probably from Cork and Cask, too. She reached for her wallet with her mouth and dropped each coin on the counter one at a time with a rather loud clang. I wonder if I should have offered to help? Or is that rude? Torte didn’t seem to care, as long as he got his coins.

“Zank you, zank you!” he said, his armor clanking as he assembled the pretty pink box of donuts together in a flash.

Gombella nodded, balancing the box on her police hat with ease. She took us over to one of the many empty tables. Wasn’t a busy night tonight. Chef Torte went to the back of his kitchen, yelling at his apprentice like always, probably thinking the customers can’t hear.

Goombella grabbed a spare box from the counter and placed it on her chair, refusing to use one of the kiddie chairs to better seat herself with. “All right, Luigi, let’s have a chat. Maybe I can help you find this crown or your brother. Go on, have a bite first.”

I really wasn’t hungry. I didn’t want a donut. Yet, my hands found their way into the box and grabbed one of the sugary treats. This one was shaped and colored like one of the Mushrooms at the station. Cute.

With Goombella, it didn’t feel like it was an order to eat, it didn’t feel like she was making me do it. It felt like she wanted me to, and somehow, that made me want to? I didn’t understand it myself. I took a bite anyway. Mmm. Soft and flakey and filled with a delicious strawberry jam. It was better than I thought it’d be.

I told her about Daisy, the drugs, the gambling, the partying and I told her about the crown I was supposed to find. She watched me, eyes skeptical, disbelief all over her face.

“Really? Daisy did all that? And lost her crown? No, that can’t be right.”

It’s true! She told me all herself! I’ve known her for about twenty minutes, it all seems very in character for her.

“But… she’s my…. She’s, er, a hero! To sports enthusiasts everywhere!” Goombella grumbled, chomping on a Koopa-shelled donut of her own. “She really told you all that? Is… she really like that?”

I shrugged. Probably? I don’t know why she’d lie about any of that. I could see the hurt in Goombella’s eyes. Maybe I should have lied a bit, but I’m a terrible liar.

“Well… Whatever! That doesn’t matter! She’s still a sports champion!” Again, she tried to put on that brave face of hers. It only made her seem lonelier to me, though. “So… you don’t know anything about her crown, do you? Or where it could be?”

I didn’t even know what it looked like!

“What? Are you serious? Haven’t you seen her on TV?” she asked, mouth full of fruity filling. I shrugged. “Agh, well it’s your standard crown. Gold and all that, but with this really pretty sapphire in the center of it! And around it, it’s got white petals, like… um, a daisy, y’know?”

“Wa, it’s more turquoise than sapphire,” someone said nasally behind her. “I wouldn’t say its pretty, waheheh.”

Goombella grumbled. “Okay, fine. I mean if you wanna argue semantics, I guess.”

“Will you’s be quiets, Rookie!? You’s always go blabberin’ on when we’re tryin’ to rob a place, see?!”

“Wah,” the nasally voice whined. “But boss, we just had the crown! I think I know a little more about what it looks like than she does.”

“Why I oughta….”

Goombella blinked, confused. “Wait, where have I heard those voices before, and what did you just say about robbing?!”

Before we could prepare ourselves for them, the masked green man shouted, “Nobody move! This is a stick up, see?!”

I froze, as that seems to be my natural defense mechanism to these sorts of things. Goombella grunted, keeping still, but her muscles tense. There was a deep frown etched into her face, and I could see she was embarrassed to get so caught off guard.

“Vhat, vhat is happening in ‘ere!?” Torte shouted, angry and confused, which was sort of the norm.

“Wa, Boss said nobody moves!” the nasally voice replied, sounding uncomfortably familiar to me. The voice belonged to an incredibly tall, slender man. Unfortunately, his eyes were hidden behind a black thief’s mask, so I couldn’t identify him. He wore a lot of purple though, and a cap similar to mine with an upside down-L on it.

_Who was this mystery robber?_

“Shut up, Rookie!” the smaller one said angrily, instantly quieting the taller one. He waved his Fire Flower around, the orange petals glowing with a dangerous heat, ready to fire at the slightest of movements. “Just put all yer coins in the bag and aint nobody has to get hurt, see?!”

Getting a better look at him, I could tell this was a Beanish person. His green skin was a big indicator, and his huge square teeth a dead giveaway. He wore a thief’s mask as well, but it worked way better on him than the tall guy.

“Guys across the street made it nice and easy for us, wahaha!” the taller one’s long pink nose tilted up high in an awful laugh.

Chef Torte sneered inside his helmet, enough for everyone to see without anyone ever actually seeing. I don’t know how he did that. “Hoho! Ze Cork and Cask morons were robbed! Ze idiots! But… why do you not rob Torte first?”

The Beanish man frowned in confusion, his angry teeth hidden only for this moment. “Huh? We’s just robbed the first place we saw, see?”

“Zee, I zee! But does zee cake in front not grab your attention?” Torte went on, pushing his luck.

The robber seemed to have a temper as short as he was. He set a fireball loose in the shop, bouncing and burning tables and cakes in the process. I let out a shriek as it whizzed past my face, but at least Torte was shrieking with me, so I didn’t look _completely_ pathetic.

“Just put the money in the bag or I’m torchin’ this dump, see?!” he screamed, clenching his fists and grinding his teeth together.

“Yes, yes, Zorry!” Chef Torte cried, opening the cash register.

The dopey duo quickly scurried up the counter, the taller one greedily holding out his big sack of stolen goods open. I noticed a couple of Chuckolacola bottles mixed in there with the gold coins.

“Popple,” Goombella sighed, shaking her head. “Did you learn nothing from your last partner?”

“Eh?! What’d you say, ya dumb broad?” the angry little Bean hissed, pointing the Fire Flower in our direction.

I felt my heart pounding in my skull. What was she doing?! Leave me out of this!

Goombella raised an eyebrow at the threat, completely unphased. “Croco went down just two weeks ago for robbing an orphanage.”

The one known as Popple was practically strangling the Fire Flower now, his veins pulsing with what I could only assume was furious magma. “You’s think I don’t know that?! Croco was the best partner I ever had, see?!” His voice seethed with anger as he spoke the next name. “Think I like workin’ with this big dumb lanky Rookie?!”

“Wah,” the taller man said forlornly, stifling a sniffle as Torte continued to pour his coins into the bag.

“And Waluigi!” Goombella continued, her tone now more like a scolding sister than a police officer. “Your cousin is finally starting to change, finally getting into less trouble! What would he think about you sinking so low?”

“Don’t you says nothin’ to that broad, Rookie!” Popple screamed, pointing the cocked flower at his supposed partner.

Wait! That’s Waluigi!?

….

Wait! Goombella knew who Waluigi was before she knew who _I_ was?! … Waluigi didn’t even recognize me?! If I wasn’t so terrified at that moment, I’d probably have felt a lot more hurt.

“Waa, sure thing boss,” Waluigi said with a sad sigh. Wow, he really had sunk pretty low, hadn’t he? Although, guess I’m not really one to talk. He was the one robbing me after all.

“You know!” Popple screeched, rushing over to our table in a rage. “I was gonna let you’s palookas off scott-free, see?” Ugh, I could feel his hot angry breath against my face. “But now you’s twos can give me all your money too! How generous of you’s!”

“You realize that I’m NDPD, don’t you, Popple?” Goombella said with a completely straight face.

It only angered him further, as unbelievable as that sounded. “That’s **The Great Shadow Thief Popple** to youse, toots!” he screamed, steam hissing out of his ears. “And I don’t care if you’re Queen Bean herself! You’ll be handing all your money over to me, see?” And though his green skin had turned boiled red, he still managed a terrible sneer. “I’ll be takin’ this as a little souvenir, see?”

And with a flash, he snatched the police hat right off Goombella’s head, leaving her feeling almost… naked? I averted my eyes, but for the brief moment I saw her, she didn’t seem too upset.

“This is definitely considered assaulting an officer at this point, Popple,” Goombella said plainly.

His grin quickly morphed back into that awful angry scowl. His teeth audibly grinded, sending horrible waves of disgust through my spine. “I told you’s! I’ms **The Great Shadow Thief** **Popple**! Are you, are you’s just stupid?!” He was clutching at the Fire Flower now as if it was his last thread of sanity, the plant’s emotionless eyes staring directly into Goombella’s. “Rookie! Rookie, are you finished shaking down that drip!? Youse need to take care of these two, see?!”

Waluigi let out a tiny nasally shriek – similar to something I’d do. Is that what I’m like? “Wa, y-yes, boss!” he stuttered, his long clumsy legs striding over to us in just one movement. He looked me dead in the face and narrowed his eyes. For a moment there seemed to be recognition, but he quickly pushed it aside. “Hand over your coins, stupid!”

Sadly, I proved to be even more pathetic than Waluigi. Without so much as a deadly glare, or a word of defiance, I shakily retrieved my coin purse and dropped all twenty of my shiny gold coins into the sack. Ah. Those would have come in handy.

“Now the broad, see?” Popple said with a sweaty laughter, his fingers trembling over the Fire Flower’s stem. “This’ll teach ya to mess with Popple, see?!”

Goombella’s eyebrows raised slightly. “Thought you were **The Great Shadow Thief Popple**.”

The mean Bean was looking less green as his entire body was soon covered with a red sheen. “Why-Y-you!! I outta!.... See?!” He cursed incoherently, practically foaming at the mouth.

Waluigi and I were both terrified. He quickly scurried over to Goombella, holding out his sack of stolen coins like a begger. “Wa, h-hand over the coins before the boss really loses his temper,” he said, then whispered. “Please?”

She didn’t even look him in the eyes. “Sure.”

Waluigi let out a sigh of relief.

“I need help getting my wallet though. I’m a Goomba. No arms, see?”

Eh? But didn’t she just…

“Oh, sure,” Waluigi said with an eager nod. He began to reach for her right pocket.

“No, not that one,” she said calmly, the box underneath her feet wobbling as she moved her body.

“JUST GET THE DAMN COINS, SEE?!” Popple screeched.

“S-sorry, ma’am,” Waluigi apologized more to Popple than to anyone else, reaching for her other pocket. “This one?”

“Yep.”

“Okay. Waluigi time,” he mumbled to himself as he reached in.

“Hehehehe! Not so tough now are ya, ya dumb broad!?”

“Ah. You got me,” Goombella said tonelessly as Waluigi fished through her pockets, finding nothing. The box beneath her feet began to shake more and more as he searched. “Oh, I’m such a ditz. Must be the other pocket.”

“Waa, okay,” Waluigi said gloomily, his hands shaking ever more as he tried to reach for yet another pocket. Popple loosened his grip on the Fire Flower.

And just like that, it all came tumbling down. The box on the chair fell over, and the Goombella on top of the box also fell over, flying headfirst towards Popple, her fangs shining in a brilliant grin.

“W-what the?!” was all Popple managed to get out, a fireball shooting out blindly. Said fireball then bounced against the wall and landed firmly against Waluigi’s erm… well, his behind.

_Bonk!_

Popple toppled over, Power Stars spinning over his head, the Fire Flower flying out of his hands. 

“Luigi, grab that Fire Flower!” she shouted to me.

Oh! Right! I’m here! I forgot. This was all very thrilling.

“Okey-dokey,” I replied, scrambling out of my chair and grabbing the Fire Flower before cradling it in my hands. I didn’t want to bruise its leaves or petals. Fire Flowers aren’t bad! Just the people who use them. Oh, this one’s name was Marissa. I loved her right away. Maybe she and Charlie would get along?

“Wa-ow wa-ow ow!!” Waluigi squealed as he ran circles around the store, black smoke rising from his poor baked behind.

Goombella’s long golden hair had fallen in front of her face in a frizzy mess, but even through all that I could see her tough smirk gleaming. She stood atop her downed foe. “Waluigi, if you promise to play nice, I think I can convince Chef Torte here to give you a cool bucket of water, on the house.”

“Waaaaa, yes yes!!” Waluigi cried, still running laps around the place. I wondered why he didn’t just run outside in the rain. Maybe he didn’t want to leave his Boss behind. Loyal to the end?

“Cheft Torte, if you would be so kind,” Goombella motioned, blowing her hair out of her face.

“Ah, ja, yes yes!” the chef agreed happily, clanking quickly to the back and grabbing a bucket of water for the poor pathetic Luigi-like.

Without a second to spare, Waluigi slammed his flaming behind down into the bucket, a misty steam rising where he sat. “Waaaaaaah,” he groaned contentedly, probably glad to not be on fire anymore.

“Here’s your coins back, Torte,” Goombella said, tossing the sack of stolen goods onto the counter with ease. She had already fastened her police hat back on her head and tied her hair back to a normal ponytail again. I didn’t see her do it. How’d she do all that??

Chef Torte expressed his unending gratitude, also explaining how happy he was that the robbers were stopped in _his_ store and not those idiot brothers’ store across the way. He was happy only to take his fair share of coin back, hoping that Goombella would tell them how much of an honest upright citizen he was to Cork and Cask. Definitely gloating. He offered Goombella her five coins back for the donuts, but she refused.

“I’ve got more important things to take worry about right now,” Goombella said with a grin, turning back to the stewing Waluigi. Popple was out like a dormant volcano. Harmless. Completely harmless. Just like a dormant volcano. Yep. Harmless.

“Eheheh, oopsy, sorry,” Waluigi laughed sheepishly. It looked like he was stuck in the bucket.

“So, where’s Daisy’s Crown?” Goombella demanded, glaring down Waluigi’s long (and frankly kind of gross) pink nose. “You said you knew what it looked like! You two stole it, didn’t you? But I didn’t find it in that sack. Where is it?!”

“Waaauuuuhh,” Waluigi groaned dumbly. “Yeah. Yeah! We, uh, stole it from that Daisy chick.”

Goombella growled. “That’s what I just said! So where is it now!?” Waluigi just stared blankly at her, looking at his boss’s unconscious body. “Talk or I give you a bonking!”

That seemed to be a language he understood all too well.

“Wa, sorry!!” he shrieked. Again, do I sound like that? Geez. “W-we lost it! I-In a game at Bowser’s Castle! We bet the crown on it, and that dirty rotten turtle cheated us out of it! (He walks funny by the way.)”

Goombella kept her eyes firmly locked onto his, reading his every facial expression. “You don’t seem like you’re lying, but why don’t I trust you?”

Waluigi shrugged. Fair point. He didn’t exactly have a trustworthy face. Or a trustworthy anything.

“All right, well, why don’t we take you over to Bowser’s Castle and see what he has to say about your little story, eh, Waluigi?” Goombella raised her eyebrows, grinning wider than I’ve ever seen.

Waluigi was sweating bullets, but his eyes weren’t focused on her for some reason. It was like there was some terrifying mean green thing right behind her that sent nightmares-

Oh. Oh, that’s Popple. Maybe I should say som-

“I’ll pay ya back in spades, kid!” Popple screeched, a tiny black bomb in his hand. “This one’s fer Croco, ya dumb palookas!” Oh, and did I mention the fuse on his bomb was already lit? It was lit by the way.

“Wh-” was the only thing Goombella managed to say before the blast of the tiny bomb exploded in her face, dazing her.

“Wa, wa, wa!!!!” Waluigi wa’d, as he scrambled out the front door with Popple, bucket still firmly stuck to his backside.

Ah. Hm. Maybe I… maybe I should have gone after them? But, ummm…. That was a little scary. And I didn’t want to hurt Marissa here. (That’s the new Fire Flower I picked up in case you forgot.)

“Agh!!” Goombella coughed, black smoke and soot escaping her mouth with each huff. “Damn it! Damn it! I had them!”

Well! At least they left their stolen sack of stuff! Everything they had could go back to its rightful owners!

“I… guess,” Goombella coughed, listening to my strangely optimistic look at things. How unlike me. “Damn it, I really could have used this. Peach would finally take me more seriously if I brought someone like Popple in. Damn it!”

Ah. But Goombella still did really well! I was in awe at her bravery, at her stoicism, at her everything! She saved the day and saved everyone’s precious belongings! Wasn’t that enough?

“No. No, it’s not,” Goombella said quietly. “It’s never enough, unless its perfect. Not when you’re a Goomba.”

Eesh. This wasn’t good. She was looking pretty sad right about now. I wasn’t sure what to do. I was never sure what to do! But at least we had a lead on Daisy’s crown! Maybe it was in Bowser’s Castle?

“It’s no good. I can’t do it,” she said gruffly. All her spunk and sass vanished in that cloud of black smoke. “Peach specifically disallowed me to go near Bowser or his club. I’m not allowed near Smithy’s part of the city or Cackletta’s tower either.”

Huh? That’s strange. Why would a police chief not allow her officers near dangerous criminals that cause trouble on a seemingly weekly basis?

“Kind of answered your own question there, didn’t you?” she said miserably, looking down at her feet. “She doesn’t want us getting hurt. Doesn’t want _me_ to cause trouble. Because that’s all I do. You know the worst part? All it’d take is for Bowser to tattle on _me_ to Peach, and I’d be fired.”

Wowie. Bowser and the others had more of a hold on this city than I had ever thought. Is this why Mario never wanted to be a police officer?

“I don’t know. I don’t know why I bothered,” Goombella said glumly. “I just… I wanted to make this city safer. I wanted to make sure what happened to Professor Frankly never happened to anyone ever again.”

Professor Frankly? Frankly I had no idea who that was. Was she talking to herself?

“Wait…” she started, eyes lost in thought. “I can’t go to Bowser’s Castle.”

Uh. Yeah. We established that a few paragraphs up already.

“No, no, _I_ can’t go to Bowser’s Castle, but _you_ can, Luigi,” she said, her eyes regaining some of that spunky energy again.

What? Me? … By myself!?

“Think about it! You could go there, find Daisy’s crown, _and_ you could totally learn about what happened to Mario too, y’know?!” The golden sheen in her hair was already back, and the spring was sprung in her steps.

I did want to find out what happened to Mario. I really did. But I couldn’t possibly. I couldn’t even go to the grocery store without having an anxiety attack!

“Oh, come on, what’s the worst that could happen!?” Goombella pressed, as if Bowser wasn’t the king of crime. “If you don’t make it back, _I’ll_ know he did something to you! We’ll all know he killed you! He wouldn’t dare hurt you! He’d be thrown in jail faster than a Toad could say, ‘Yahoo!’”

Somehow her plan didn’t instill confidence in me. Yeah, it was nice that if he killed me, they’d throw him in jail, but I’d also be, uh, dead. And I’d rather not be? As a matter of fact, it was getting really late and I was getting really tired. There’s absolutely no way I’m going to do something as dangerous as this.

“Okey-dokey,” my mouth said against my will. Why? Why do you betray me, mouth!?

“Oh, Luigi!!” Goombella hopped up and down cheerfully. “I knew you were braver than I thought you were!” That didn’t make sense. “I knew you weren’t as pathetic as I first thought!” Okay, um, ow. “Your brother must be so proud of you!” Ah. That was the first compliment that I could really feel.

It invigorated me. I felt like I had 100 Power Stars coursing through my body. That’s right! I’m a Mario Brother! “Luigi number one!” I shouted awkwardly. I wasn’t gonna put myself down for saying something so weird! Not right now!

“Yeah!! You go, Luigi!” Goombella shouted, happy as can be. “I’ll drive you as close as I can to his club! Afterwards I’ll come back and clean up after Popple’s mess and hand everyone’s stuff back. You’ll be on your own, but I know you can do it!”

Ah, wait, we’re going right now? Maybe we could have another donut?

“Yep yep, there’s no time for donuts, Luigi! Let’s-a-go!”

She was right! I think. I can do this! I can do this! Let’s-a-go!


	4. You’re on Your Own

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Music inspiration for this chapter came from Bowser from 3D World.](https://youtu.be/fWRMSn63yb0)
> 
>  
> 
> [ Also from 3D World. ](https://youtu.be/OvRobF6r7gM)
> 
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> 
> [ And Thousand Year Door Bowser battle. ](https://youtu.be/BSZg0L5HUUE)

I can’t do this. What was I thinking? There’s no way I can do this!

“Huh? Did you schay schomething?” Goombella asked, her mouth over the handlebars. Her scooter’s motor puttered noisily, ready to leave me all alone. “You mumble to yourschelf way too much, Luigi. I can barely tell when you’re actually talking.” She paused and spit the handlebars out of her mouth, her eyes softening. “You gonna be okay?”

No! Not at all!

“O-okey-d-dokey,” I replied shakily.

Hot air billowed throughout this part of the city. It rained still, but this fiery heat could not be sated. A dark steamy mist rose across the streets, and I could hear the distant booming of bass and dance music. Flyers were scattered about, littering every wall, every sidewalk, and haphazardly pasted to dirty old street lamps.

 **Bowser’s Castle** it read in big bold red and green letters, featuring a smartly dressed monster tipping his 10-gallon hat in a mock gentleman’s gesture. That monster was Bowser. ‘King’ of the Koopas, and king of crime. He invited anyone and everyone to gamble their troubles away at his casino club. Hey, and if gambling wasn’t your thing, he had drink, too. The best Syrup in all of New Donk! Totally legal! (Maybe.)

“This is as close as I can take you,” Goombella said, her spunky energy draining by the second out here.

Koopas kept the streets busy here, their eyes falling upon her, and most importantly her badge. Some pretended like they weren’t staring, some pretended they were just minding their own business, but others just didn’t care. Those others flat out gave her the stink-eye, and boy did it stink! Like month old mushrooms left out in rotten spaghetti sauce.

“I know it’s scary,” she said, all too aware of all the eyes on her now. “But they won’t hurt you. They see me talking to you. _They_ know that _I_ know you, and that you were here last. Does that make sense?”

Well, it made a little sense. I saw no reason why they wouldn’t hurt me though. _Maybe_ they wouldn’t kill me! But what’s to stop them from roughing me up?

Goombella didn’t catch my mumbling muses. “Don’t forget. This isn’t just for Daisy’s crown. Maybe you can find out what happened to Mario, too.”

Like always, she was right. I was terrified. My legs were made of jelly, my brain felt like it was frozen in a snowstorm, yet my body was melting in a steaming oven. But I needed to find Mario. I needed to. Maybe not even for Mario’s sake. For my sake. What was I supposed to do without him? A Mario Brother without Mario? It wouldn’t make any sense.

“All right. The Koopas are getting antsy, I think it’s time I scooted out of here,” Goombella said, eying the streets nervously. Not that she would ever admit it. “Call us if you need help, okay? Take care, Luigi.”

“Bye-bye,” I mumbled as her scooter puttered away, her form turning into nothing but a tiny pink and yellow dot in the distant traffic. Soon Goombella was mixed in with the rest of the city’s neon lights, just like any other. Gone.

And I was alone.

For who knows how long, I just stood there like an idiot. Koopas, Goombas, Bandits, Squeeks, and Doogans strolled by, splashing water on me with their heavy stomps. Why did they feel the need to stomp like army soldiers?! Rude.

No. This wasn’t going to work. I felt all their eyes staring at me. Everyone was looking at me! I stuck out like a store thumb. I had to go back home. Go back home and forget about this. Mario would find his own way back; the police don’t need some idiot like me! I’d just get in the way!

I was finally able to convince my legs to move by telling my body, ‘ _It’s okay! We’re walking home! Nothing to be afraid of.’_ But of course, my clumsy body couldn’t make it easy. I stumbled forward and into something soft and velvety. The thing beneath me let out a sniffle of annoyance.

“Hey, watch where you’re going, buddy!” the Shy Guy threatened, using his tiny arms to push me backwards. For such a small thing, he really had a lot of strength.

“S-sorry!” I mumbled, cursing my awkwardness as I stumbled backwards, trying my best not to make any more of a scene. But, of course, that wasn’t going to happen.

My stupid feet landed on something sleek and smooth. A slippery wet chain. To my relief, that chain was attached to a woman’s hand! She wasn’t even a Koopa or anything! She was a nice old rabbit lady, in fact! Someone who surely wouldn’t get angry at a pathetic man like me.

“How **_DARE_** you?!” she screamed at the top of her lungs, the pearls around her neck reflecting a steaming red-hot rage. “You stepped on my precious Chain-Chompikin’s leash! Do you have any idea how many coins this costs? _No?!_ A buffoon like you would never!”

I wanted to climb into a warp pipe, fall into an endless pit, and never come back out. The chain that I stepped on held a pristine golden Chain Chomp who was about as unhappy as its owner.

“Just how do you expect to pay for this?!” The Chain Chomp hissed and growled in my direction, angry saliva dripping between its fangs.

“S-sorry!” I cried, knowing nothing else.

“ _Sorry_ isn’t going to cover it, you little barbarian!” she screamed, heralding every passerby’s gaze at me, even more so than already were. “An eye for an eye, as they say! If you can’t pay….” Her frown turned into a terrifying toothy grin, eyes filled with a dark malice that I have never seen. “Then it’s only fair my Chain-Chompikins takes a piece of **YOU**!”

What?! She was going to let her Chain Chomp eat me for stepping on its leash?! She couldn’t be serious?! No one was going to just… let this happen, right?

But when I looked around desperately, hoping for any kind of help in this dark forsaken city, I saw them only avert their gazes. The Chain-Chomp growled and readied itself to lunge, its eyes firmly latched onto my face.

“Go, go, eat this little fool!” she screamed, voice tinged with an unhinged laughter.

Luckily for me, my body took the lead. I let out a sonic-pitched scream, the soundwaves stunning the golden beast in its tracks. My legs shot out from underneath me and down the street, hurdling through crowds of Koopas, Bandits, Shy Guys, and any kind of unsavory creature you could imagine.

“Ohoho, I’ll remember you, boy!!” her voice howled behind me, echoing through the rainy streets. I didn’t know where it was coming from. I only knew that I didn’t want to hear it anymore. The only way to do that was to keep running, just keep running! That’s the one thing I was good at, running away screaming!

I knocked over Doogans, nearly stepped on some Goombas, slammed into a few Hammer Bros., ran through a dozen Boos, but at least the voice and the barking were getting quieter. Mostly because a thumping music was getting louder. My brain could hardly process anything other than ‘ _less of that sound = good! Run towards less of that!’_

The only problem with that plan of action was that it took me straight to Bowser’s Castle. The sound of my own screams lessened and was soon replaced by a catchy jazzy beat. Even I couldn’t resist but to tap my foot and hum along to it even in my adrenaline pumped state. Trumpets and saxophones wailed, setting a chilling yet classy mood over the street corner.

Before me loomed the infamous Bowser’s Castle, terrifying and huge. Its dark walls pierced the raining clouds above. Wind and light swirled around it, as if this building was generating the dark foreboding weather. Spotlights with Bowser’s face danced along the black clouds, demanding to be seen by all.

The words **Bowser’s Castle** buzzed and blinked in bright green and red neon lights. An intimidating neon fire engulfing the words with orange and yellow. Near the entrance where the spotlights stood, I spotted a live band playing their jazzy tunes, alluring potential customers. If you lived in this part of New Donk, you had nowhere to hide. Even if you closed your eyes to avoid his bright lights, his band’s echoing tunes would be sure to reach your ears.

A Hammer Bro sliced at his guitar, the dirty sound exploding throughout the speakers, all while the band of Koopas played their saxophones. Piranha Plants bobbed their heads to the beats, fangs glistening with drool, threatening to devour anyone that dared mess with the music. As if that wasn’t enough, Chain Chomps jingled away, bounding and bouncing happily along under the hypnotizing spell of Bowser’s strange charm.

I didn’t know much about Bowser, but I _did_ know that he was a Chain Chomp activist. On TV there’d always be commercials showing a smartly dressed Bowser petting a bruised and dirty Chain Chomp, saying how it is our duty to spay and neuter our Chain Chomps.

‘Rescue and adopt one today!’ he’d say. ‘Chain Chomps just have a bad reputation! Like me! Gahaha! There are no bad Chain Chomps, only bad owners! You hear me, punks?! Take care of your pets! Or I will come over there-’ and then the commercial usually got cut off. Not sure why they kept airing it like that.

Even someone like me could understand why Bowser was so popular, despite the fact he’s a known criminal! But ask anyone about that in New Donk City and you’d only get mixed responses. Some say he’s nothing but a menace! (The Toads) Others say Bowser’s the only one who cares about them! (The Koopas, the Goombas, etc.)

As for me? What did I think about him?

I don’t know. I was terrified of him, but I was terrified of everyone. He gave Mario the most trouble out of everyone by far, but he never seemed quite as dangerous as everyone else either. Mario spoke harshly about Bowser, but I also heard a tinge of respect in his voice. I wish I could say I understood.

Something broke through the blaring music. Shouting voices. The ritzy doors slammed open, red and gold gleaming dangerously yet elegantly.

“What’d we tells you about feedin’ da Chomps, buster?!” a tough Pianta in a dark suit growled. His big hands easily tossed the poor drunk mole man onto the wet street. “You’s Moleville types think you can just waltz in here and do whatever you want! Da boss don’t like it. Ain’t respectful.”

“Lil’ varmint looked mighty hungry! Juscht wanted to feed him a schpell,” the mole said, words slurred, and head woozy.

“Ya don’t feed Chomps da Syrup, wise guy! Ain’t good for ‘em!” the Pianta bouncer said, not understanding the irony of this Syrup drunken mole before him. “And da boss would be angry knowin’ ya mis-gendered that Chomp. She’s a girl.” The Pianta sighed after that last bit. “Just get outta here, ya drunk! Don’t show your face till ya sober up or get more coin!”

That was the important part, wasn’t it? The coin. The mole man must have run out of money, pockets already light from his Syrup addiction. The mole let out a hiccup before scrambling away from the club, the Piranha Plants nipping at his miner’s overalls.

The crowd barely paid this any mind. It was full of everyone you could think of from glamourous glitzy Toads, to even the thuggiest Bandit. I never would have guessed Toads would come here, but they were few and far between. It seemed Bowser didn’t discriminate.

Hm. Except Yoshis. I didn’t see a single Yoshi. Why was that? Maybe they didn’t like Bowser’s Castle? Or maybe Bowser didn’t like them? Ah well, that didn’t matter.

So. Just how in the world was I meant to get in there? Would I have to talk to that scary bouncer? Maybe if I just told him I was here to see Bowser, and that I’m Mario’s brother, they’d let me in? Or… wait, don’t they hate Mario? No, this wouldn’t work. No, absolutely not! None of this would work! This is too dangerous. I really should just go home like I wanted to from the start!

“H-hey! No cutting!” a raspy Toad croaked. He rubbed his arms like he was freezing cold, his eyes staring at me, but looking through me.

Wait, what? Did my stupid legs bring me to the front of the line? No! Body, what are you doing?!

“What’s with you, pal?” the Pianta bouncer said to me, sunglasses glaring underneath the neon lights. “You some kinda tough guy?”

Me?! No! Never! I mean! Well, okay, how did I say this? I’m looking for my brother, Mario, and if I could just have a quick talk with Mr. Bowser that would be really nice? No, no, that’s stupid.

“What da hell are you’s jabbering on about?” the Pianta growled, crossing his arms. “You’s sayin’ yer Mario’s brother? Yeah, yeah, you and everyone else, bub! Now get to the back of the line, before I make ya!”

Agh, wait, no, I had come all this way! I couldn’t just give up now! I tried to explain my situation more thoroughly but also more quickly because everyone was getting quite angry with me. I tried to tell him about how a thug and Waluigi (who is my cousin apparently, but I don’t know him well) got their crown stolen here! And I could prove Mario was my brother because, look! Same hat! Er, well it’s a similar hat. See, mine was green and his was red and…

“You drunks are all the same!” the Pianta yelled, grabbing me in his strong arms. “Now I tolds ya to _scram!_ ” And with a power that could only be found in Piantas, he chucked me out over the line. My body soared through the air like a Bumpty attempting to take flight by jumping off a cliff.

As I flew over the band (They never stopped playing by the way. _Very_ professional!) I realized that the Pianta must have been a Chuckster. It made sense why he was a bouncer here. I had to respect his form, he must have had years of practice.

I landed in the wet asphalt nose first, far away from the entrance. An old Koopa woman swept litter away quietly. As I scrambled my gangly body back upright, I let out a defeated sigh. I knew I was in over my head. There was no way they’d let me in now.

“Excuse me, young man,” the old Koopa woman said, eyes hidden behind big round glasses. “I couldn’t help but overhearing your little kerfuffle.” Her big brimmed hat shielded her from the rain, her purple robes magically dry. “You said you were Mario’s brother, didn’t you?”

Eh? Me? I looked around making sure no one else was around. Why would anyone want to talk to me after all?

Her jaw went slack, and for a moment the pleasant old woman seemed like merely an act. “What? Of course I’m talking to you! You idio-er… Young man.” A coughing fit overcame her, convieniently hiding whatever word she was trying to say before.

Oh! Well, hm, yeah that did make sense, didn’t it? I nodded along politely, trying my best to explain that I was Luigi! Mario’s brother. Although, why did she want to know?

“Hee hee!” she cackled. Wait. Cackled? Is that something old women did? Yeah, no, that was normal. “And you want to meet King Bowser, do you? Not sure where Mario is, you say?”

I nodded again, still unsure why this old lady was asking me all these questions. It’s not like she could help me. But it was just nice to talk to someone who didn’t want to eat me for once. Alas, all was hopeless! I waved goodbye to her and went on my way home.

“Wait, you fool!” she screeched, freezing me in my tracks. “I can get you in to see Bowser. I’m sure His Nastiness would _love_ to meet you!”

It didn’t seem like it was just fear keeping me in my place. I felt a weird force holding me down. Or was that just in my head? Either way, I wasn’t going to turn down this sweet old lady.

“Okey-dokey,” I mumbled to her, noting the glowing red wand in her hand. Oh, very pretty! I liked her fashion sense.

“Right this way,” she said motioning to a blank wall, a casual smile on her wrinkled face.

I blinked. It was just a brick wall. Was this just what happens when you get old? You start saying you know people and inviting them to walk into walls? How very sad! Well, I already said I’d do it! It’d be rude to say no now. With a shrug, I walked forward into the wall, preparing my body for impact.

What happened next was a bit embarrassing. As I walked into the wall intentionally, it turned out there was not actually a wall at all! As soon as my body made contact with it, the wall poofed out of existence. A few colorful triangles, circles, and squares floated away.

Now, you may say to yourself, _‘Great! You didn’t walk into a wall!’_

But… I was expecting to walk into a wall! Not through a doorway. I’m embarrassed to admit this, but I actually tumbled onto the floor, nose first, and landed squarely on soft regal carpeting.

“Boy, you must be keener than I gave you credit for!” the old Koopa said with a toothy grin, the kind of toothy grin you can only have by not having many teeth. “Not many can see through my magic, hee hee!”

Ah, an illusionary door! Of course! As an almost-detective, I must have known that was there subconsciously?

“Now if only those gangly legs of yours were as good as your senses,” she sighed, shuffling over my slumped body. “Up with you, whippersnapper,” she ordered. “His Gnarliness does not like to be kept waiting.”

There was something off about this old woman. Maybe it was the little cackles or the illusionary magic or the long flowing robes, but I was starting to feel like maybe she wasn’t an ordinary old Koopa? I quickly gathered myself up off the floor for the umpteenth time, impressed at her ability to order me around.

“I’m very aware this is your first time in the Castle,” the Koopa woman rasped, shuffling from out behind a luxurious red curtain, motioning for me to follow. “Your brother, that wicked _Mario_ , he’s been here often. Much too often! He causes nothing but trouble, that little scoundrel. Always playing goodie-goodie!”

I ignored her comment about Mario. She was just a kind old lady, she probably didn’t know what she was saying. Plus, I was too taken aback by the sights and sounds of Bowser’s Castle. It was the most extravagant, most wonderous, most terrifying place I’ve ever seen!

It was huge inside! It was huge outside as well, so it all made sense, but it blew my mind nonetheless. The top of the ceiling seemed so far away, littered with golden chandeliers, dangling above like fancy stalactites. I said dangling because chains clanked and jingled, setting a rather brutal air to this classy aura.

But wait… those chains… those were Chain Chomps?! I strained my eyes and saw their sharp teeth firmly closed around the tops of the chandeliers, holding them in their mouths with a strength I couldn’t even comprehend.

“Ah, you are noticing our Kinklinks, yes?” the old woman said, sounding quite proud of herself. “The name’s a work in progress. But you see, His Empatheticness, in all his caring glory, found a way to keep many Chain Chomps off the street and a place to truly live happily!”

She nodded, walking through a sea of monsters with ease, the crowds parting wherever she stepped. “Chain Chomps are naturally very bitey creatures, so giving them something they can bite and hold onto really keeps them entertained! King Bowser Himself trains these Chomps so that they keep a strong hold over anything they bite! They only let go if he commands it.”

She grumbled something under her breath. “Or if a pesky plumber jumps and throws hammers at them.” I didn’t understand that part. “We make sure they’re well fed and watered every night, too,” she added quickly.

Wowie! That was a very interesting description! I had no idea Bowser was so caring! I also had to wonder how this old woman knew so much about Bowser’s Castle! A mystery that probably even Mario could never solve.

As we walked, I noticed the music was even louder here than outside. An even larger band played a heated jazzy tune, dressed in fancy tuxedos, blowing their trumpets in a military-like unison. Yet, through it all I could hear the old woman’s voice, like she was talking directly into my head. Unnerving, but I assumed she was just a good speaker.

“Ah, and you’ll find that the lava is all quite up to the safety standard.” She nodded, it was a line that she must have said much too often. I blinked and noticed the red-hot magma flowing down from the ceiling and all along the walls into fancy Bowser-faced pools. It left an eerie, yet cool red glow around the club. “Go on! Give it a taste, hee hee!”

Without thinking too hard about it, (I really should have) I stuck my finger into one of the pools of lava. It was hot! But nothing so much that it hurt. It had a familiar smell. I licked it off my finger (Again, I really should have thought this through) and floated into pasta heaven. Cheesy Marinara! Delicious!

It wasn’t long before we made it to the casino part of the club. Hundreds of slot machines whirred, playing happy jingles as coins plinked pleasantly, falling in and out of pockets in a soothing rain-like rhythm. Toads, Beans, Piantas, Moles, Koopas, it didn’t matter! They all came together to pull the big spiky lever and stare blankly at the colorful slot machines.

But we didn’t go through that section. We instead walked by the less populated roulette wheels and blackjack tables. Here only the ritziest people could play. I let out a tiny gasp as I saw the Koopa Bros playing a game with a tall slender woman, a strange green bird laying atop her head like a hat.

“Don’t make eye contact with her, whatever you do,” the old lady said in hushed tones.

Huh? Why? I stared at her pale skin and at the empty glass waving in her fingers. She looked angry. The Koopa Bros were trying to calm her down, urging her to play another game.

Her eyes met mine, and then fell onto the old woman’s. “You there!! Hello?? I am your best customer, and I demand service! These dirty rotten cheating Koopa Bros are stealing my money and won’t give me any more drink!” She listlessly handed the old woman her glass, turning back to the card game with the Koopas she so apparently hated.

“Yes, Valentina, anything you say, Valentina,” the old Koopa groaned, casually handing the empty glass to me. “Get the woman a Syrup Martini, will you?”

Huh? Me?

It wasn’t long before a Para-Troopa swooped down, filling the glass in an instant with a sparkling blue substance. It smelt strong and sweet, but mostly strong. I handed the glass to the one known as Valentina who didn’t so much as look in my direction, already arguing with the Koopa Bros.

Hey, I’m pretty good at this casino thing! I wonder if Bowser is hiring? I could see myself wearing one of these fancy tuxedos and dealing out cards and drinks!

The Koopa Bro in Red let out a sigh and the others shook their heads. They did not look like they wanted to be there, nor did they want this Valentina woman to have more drink.

There were plenty of other colorful patrons about, all seemingly very high class and very important, but the old woman did not want to speak with them. She only sped up her shuffling, grumbling about how ‘ _dealing with the customers is beneath me!_ ’

It was all so very exciting! I couldn’t help but lose myself to the colors and the music. Somehow, I wasn’t scared! At least… for a little while. Soon the throne came into view, spiky and huge, coated in black and surrounded by a happy Chain Chomp entourage. In its huge cushioned seat sat the Koopa King himself, Bowser. His white tuxedo and ten-thousand-gallon hat were as sharp as his fang filled grin.

“So, I say to the guy, I say, ‘ _That’s not a Chain Chomp! That’s my wife!_ ’ Gahahaha!” he guffawed, flames licking the air around his enormous maw.

“You don’t have a wife and you’ve never been married, Your Singleness,” the old woman said matter-of-factly to Bowser, silencing any comedic possibilities within a five-yard radius.

“Aw, Kammy, c’mon!!” the king of crime whined, his air of terror, mystery, and class already dashed in an instant. “Not in front of the guys!”

A ghostly snicker echoed through my being. The King of Boos floated luxuriously among the tables, a ghost glass of ghost wine blinking through space and reality in his little tendril hand. Dark eyes flashed like thunder as he saw me.

Ah. King Boo was still holding that grudge against me, I see. I worked in one of his haunted mansions as a janitor a few years back, and… well, I didn’t know that it was _purposefully_ haunted. I might have accidently sucked up a few of his ghostly employees and expensive customers. I said I was sorry!! That was my last real job, too.

Another regal looking fellow laughed, but I was not too familiar with this slimy monster. I felt like I had met him before, but maybe that was just a weird dream? The enormous frog picked at the vegetables in his meaty dish, glaring at them like they killed his family. He banged his plump fists against the table, screaming at the cowering Goomba waiters that he was ‘allergic to vegetables,’ and that he specifically ordered his plate without any!

I used my detective reasoning to deduce that he was probably just a picky eater and kind of a jerk.

“Mr. Wart, Mr. Boo,” the old Koopa known as Kammy started. “His Gruesomeness is terribly busy and asks that you two go for a round of roulette for now. For your trouble, we’ll be offering you 200 coins in chips and complimentary drinks and meals. Without vegetables, of course.”

The two grumbled some complaints but appeared to know better than to argue. They floated and slunk away to another section of the castle. King Boo side-eyed me the whole time, mumbling about how ‘ _That green little man is ruining me yet again_ ,’ but I tried to not eavesdrop.

“I coulda said that myself, you know!” Bowser growled, curling his sharp claws into a scaly fist.

She nodded calmly. “I am aware, but you would have lingered. It’d be impolite to make our guest wait.”

Hey, wait a minute. Her name was Kammy! She wasn’t _The_ Kammy Koopa was she? The so-called ‘brains’ behind Bowser? Oh. Oh, that made sense, didn’t it? I guess that would explain the magic and the cackling and how she knew everything about Bowser’s Castle. Hm.

“Who the hell is this little runt?!” Bowser demanded, sharp eyes stabbing into me with a fierceness that I absolutely could _not_ handle. “And why should I care? Somethin’ about him pisses me off.”

Kammy sneered, cackling through the gaps in her teeth. “This is Luigi, Your Grumpiness!” Still, there was no reaction. She sighed. “The brother in Mario Brothers.”

His eyes widened like the floor underneath him had collapsed and were about to dunk him into a pit of lava. Bowser’s teeth splayed wide in a troubling grin and he relaxed back into his throne, tapping his claws against the metal. “Gahaha! So, _you’re_ the Luigi Mario’s always goin’ on about?”

I tried to explain to him that I was! Tried to say anything at all! But I just stood there, still as a Spiny caught in a Lakitu’s headlights. Well, at least Mario talked about me? That made me feel a little better.

“Gotta say, I expected his brother to be pretty pathetic, but you take the cake!” Bowser went on, enjoying this way too much. The Chain Chomps around him jingled with glee as their master laughed. “He always spoke so highly of you, but I knew! I _knew._ Gahahaha!”

That’d probably hurt a lot more if it wasn’t true.

He wiped a tear from his eye delicately, tossing the drop of water into a steaming lava pit. “Ah, but where are my manners? What brings you to my fine establishment? Come for my famous Royal Syrup?” he asked, a sly grin on his face.

He probably hoped I was an addict like everyone else here, hoped I would humiliate Mario even more than I already had.

“Maybe just wanted a place to spend all those coins your brother’s been making, huh?!” he laughed again, knowing Mario was not the best paid detective by any means.

Kammy flew up on her broom to her position by Bowser’s side, glasses gleaming with an insidious glow. She whispered something in Bowser’s ear, ceasing his laughter, but not ruining his good mood.

“Not much of a talker, eh? Just like your lousy brother, ain’t ya?” He leaned forward, and I could see my own horrified reflection against his teeth. I hated it. Hated my reflection more than anything. Hated how scared I clearly was. “Speakin’ of which, where has Mario been, hm? Seems he’s not bothered us in quite a while.”

Kammy kept whispering things into his ear, things I so desperately wanted to hear, things I _needed_ to hear. Bowser knew something. Or at least Kammy did.

“Chain Chomp got your tongue?” he hissed gleefully, reaching down to pet one of his precious Chain Chomps who nuzzled into his scaly touch. “Not that any of these darlings would bite your tongue. Unless I told ‘em to, of course! Gahaha!”

He returned his gaze back to mine. “But, let me guess. You’ve not seen your brother in a while either, have you? Wonderin’ if I got somethin’ to do with it? Wonderin’ if I know somethin’ don’t ya?”

I had to be strong. I had to do this for Mario! I could at least talk to him! It’s just like Goombella said. He wouldn’t hurt me.

But… what he says will hurt me, won’t it? What if it’s something I don’t want to hear? No. No, that’s not important right now.

I nodded.

It seemed this tiny action angered him. Like he expected me to fall before him and start bawling. (To be fair, I was pretty close to curling up on the floor and crying.)

“And what? You expect me to just give you this information for free!?” He slammed his fist down onto the throne, the Chain Chomps around him growling and glaring my way. “You honestly think I’d do a **SINGLE THING for MARIO?** ” His voice boomed through the club, the air around my body growing hot. The band halted their playing, and not a single soul dared speak.

“Sire,” Kammy said tonelessly.

The room instantly cooled down. Bowser’s expression softened as well, but not all that much. He snapped his fingers casually and the band returned to its usual classy beats.

“Well you’d be almost right!” he said with a flaming cough. “But this ain’t a charity. Unless you’re a Chain Chomp. How about we play a little game, hm? How many coins you got on you?”

I wordlessly rummaged through my pockets and held out a measly handful of gold. His eyes gleamed with shock.

“Geez, is that really all you have? I almost feel bad,” Bowser said strangely. “ _Almost_. But, my information is incredibly valuable. I’m afraid I can’t just part ways with it for that.” He grinned again, leaning his huge jaw atop a muscled fist. “You’re Mario’s brother ain’tcha? That means you own Mario’s detective agency, at least partially. Why don’t you just bet your dinky little agency?”

Eh!? I saw my own face pale, even in his pearly whites.

“Now, now, come on! Don’t be a baby,” Bowser continued, clearly not knowing me. “Let me put it this way. We play a little game of my choosing. If you win, I’ll tell you _anything_ you want to know! And!” His fangs spread wider, and he leaned closer. “If you lose, I’ll _still_ tell you anything you want to know!” His moist hot breath slapped against my face, and contrary to popular belief, I did not like it.

“Of course, if you lose, you give me Mario’s Detective Agency. Fair’s fair, right? Not like Mario’s been usin’ it, anyway.”

Kammy made a face. “Your Manipulativeness, I’m not sure property ownership works that way.”

“Shush!” Bowser quickly faced her, his cool aura shattering yet again. “He doesn’t know that either!”

“Don’t shush me,” Kammy said sternly. “Or I won’t make your eggs the way you like them.”

“Sorry,” he grumbled, turning back to me. “But, Luigi here, you’re an honorable guy like me, aren’t ya? I know you’d give it to me if I won fair and square.”

No! Never! I’d never just give you my home! And Mario’s! Think of all the information he must have stored! Bowser could use that to wreak even more havoc than he already does! And it’s Mario’s! I can’t lose him any more than I already have.

“Okey-dokey,” my mouth said, unable to disagree with peer-pressure. Honestly, what other choice did I have at this point? I got this far. I couldn’t leave empty handed. Also, I really **really** do not know how to say no.

“Gahahahaha!” Bowser bellowed. “You know, I’m startin’ to like you! Your brother would have made this needlessly complicated!”

Mario wouldn’t have let anyone walk all over him like I did, that’s for sure.

“Now then…” He lounged back against his throne, kicking his feet up. With another snap of his fingers, Paratroopas appeared, quickly pulling a curtain behind him, and revealing an enormous screen. I had to wonder how anyone differentiated his finger snapping to know what snap meant what. “Let’s spin the wheel to see what game you get!”

“Not actually a wheel, Your Awfulness,” Kammy whispered too loud.

“Okay, Kammy, come on!” Bowser whined, trying to keep his massive voice low, but failing. “I’m tryin’ to be more appreciative with you, all right? But this is going a little too far!”

Kammy put a wrinkled hand to her chin, thinking it over. “I suppose you’re right. I do appreciate it. I just wanted you to know so you don’t embarrass yourself in front of everyone.”

“You’re embarrassing me right now!!” he groaned, pressing his claws against his head. “Ugh, forget it, just spin the roulette, will ya?!”

The lights dimmed dramatically, leaving only the large screen lit up with five different options. It read: ‘ _Bowser’s Balloon Burst, Bowser’s Tug O’War, Bowser Revolution, Bowser’s Bumper Balls_ ,’ and last in bright catchy gold, ‘ ** _10,000 Coins!!!_** ’ With a grumpy snap of his fingers, the roulette went off, highlighting each and every one of the options at an anxiety-inducing speed.

“I think we should change the name of that second to last one, Your Ruthlessness,” Kammy whispered.

Bowser nodded, a concerned frown on his face. “Yeah, that… that doesn’t look so great. At the time, it sounded amazing! With the alliteration and all.”

As the roulette finally began to slow, I heard a deep and unsettling beating. I looked to see the band had stopped. It was my own heart! Oh, I could hardly handle this. What had I gotten myself into? It was nearing its end, slowing down painfully over each and every option until at last it stilled onto…

**_10,000 Coins!!!_ **

My trembling stopped, my face must have lit up, and I think I finally experienced true joy! Things were finally looking up for Luigi!

…and then the roulette went back up one option. _Bowser’s Bumper Balls._

My heart sank. I must have visibly lost all hope, because Bowser only grinned wider at the turn of events. “Awww, so close!” he laughed, not even breaking a sweat. It was as if he had planned that to happen from the beginning. He wouldn’t do something so cruel, would he?

“Look’s like you’ll be playing a fun little game we like to call,” he paused, coughing. “ _Bowser’s Bumper Spheres_!”

Huh? Wasn’t it called Bowser’s Bumper-

“Nope, nope, has been Spheres since the beginning!” He snapped his fingers frantically, closing the curtains over the screen, lighting his club once again with life and music. “Now, get ready, scrawny! We’re starting the show right now! Gahahaha!”

It all happened so fast! Next thing I knew, the ground underneath my feet was shaking, yawning its mouth open as it awoke. I found myself standing on a platform raised above the ground, surrounded by a mote of dangerously cheesy lava. Bowser looked up at me with that devious grin of his, enjoying the spectacle too much. I realized everyone in the entire club must have been looking at me! My terrified face was plastered over every TV screen in view. Oh, I hope this isn’t being broadcasted…

“Drop the balls!” Bowser ordered, then muttered, “I-I meant the spheres! Drop the spheres!”

Next, four balls landed on opposite corners of the circular arena. The balls themselves were each colored separately and about as big and tall as me. I poked at it. Rubbery and smooth. What was I meant to do with this?

“Gahahaha!” Bowser cackled gleefully. Kammy let out a cheerful, ‘Hee hee!’ as well. “Here’s the rules, scrawny!”

A flying screen floated down in the middle of the arena, showing off Bowser’s charismatic fangs. “You’re going against three of my best employees in this game, got that? Rules are simple! Even a little weirdo like you should get them! What you do is get on my bal-,” he sputtered, getting spit on the screen before quickly wiping it off from a hanky that Kammy handed him.

“Ahem,” he continued. “Get on my spheres, here! You’ll have to balance yourself on ‘em! And the objective is to be the last one standing by ramming your sphere into your opponents’ and knocking them off the arena! If you fall off your sphere or fall out of the arena, _you_ _lose_! Got that? Knock your opponents out of the ring! Easy!”

Eh?! Balance on this ball? I… I could barely even balance myself just walking down the street! How in the world was I meant to do that? I gulped. 

“Hurry up and get ready! People are gettin’ antsy!” Bowser screamed, his smoky breath charring the screen. Luckily, he still had his trusty purple hanky.

With only a bit of a shriek, I scrambled up the colorful ball and held out my hands wildly as I felt the thing already begin to move under my feet. Oh, this was not good, this was not good at all! I flapped my arms and moved my legs wildly, but I still had trouble keeping the ball still. Bowser’s fangs shone again, grinning at the sight of me.

“Now then, let me introduce you to your opponents!” Bowser’s monitor said. “In the left corner, we have Koopa Red! Leader of my fabulous Koopa Bros!” In a puff of smoke, a Red Koopa wearing a Red bandana over his head appeared. His feet easily maneuved the ball with a ninja’s dexterity. He struck a pose and his teeth glimmered under the light of the chandeliers.

“I’ll make you disappear!” Red said, trying hard to sound cool. “…if the boss says that’s okay.”

“Boss only wants you to knock him ‘em into the lava, Red!” Blue shouted helpfully from down below.

“Oh, right.”

Bowser ignored that. “In the right corner we have one of our more glamorous employees! She’s a veteran at our club, you know her, you love her, and she’s proof that I hire plenty of women!”

Kammy let out a defeated sigh, shrugging as if to say, ‘that wasn’t the right way to say that, but good enough, I guess.’

“Wendy Koopa of the Koopa Kids!” Bowser finished. And underneath a shining spotlight, the pink Koopa lady herself appeared. She balanced herself on the ball with ease, standing atop it with just the tip of her toes. Her huge hoop earrings gleamed under the light, and her massive lips blew kisses out into an adoring crowd of fans.

“I’ve been riding balls for years! I won’t be beaten!” Wendy cried out.

“Wendy, we’re calling them spheres now,” Red pleaded with her, sweat soaking through his bandana. I really don’t understand why they were so adamant on changing the name.

“And in the last corner!” Bowser said. “He’s another veteran who’s been making a comeback recently! This guy’s all brawn and not really any brain! But that’s okay! We love him anyway! Get up here, Boom Boom!”

Not at all insulted by Bowser’s description, the huge Koopa leaped up onto the stage without so much as a grunt. The ball heaved under his weight, looking like it was about to pop, but Boom Boom stood tall regardless. His big noodle arms waved around frantically as his angry eyes glared at every corner of the platform, ready to plow down anyone that got in his way.

“Zoom zoom!” he grumbled incoherently.

“Uh-huh, you tell them, Boom Boom!” Bowser replied, pretending he understood that. He tipped his white hat in front of the camera and winked for the audience, absolutely loving the attention. “And just to make this fair for you, scrawny, I thought I’d add a little incentive for my minions to beat each other! _Whichever of you wins will be getting a massive raise!_ ”

Red’s eyes lit up like power stars, and Wendy gasped greedily at the thought, a mischievous grin falling across her lips. Boom Boom didn’t seem to notice, but he was just happy to be there.

“Haha!” Red laughed, clenching his fists as he nimbly balanced himself atop his ball. He glared at Wendy. “Now I’ll finally prove to the boss that time doesn’t increase the worth of a minion! Me and the Bros. are gonna love this little reward.”

Wendy scowled. “No one even knows your little band of misfits! I’ll win this without even breaking a sweat,” she said confidently. “There’s a reason people think of _us_ when they think of Bowser’s minions!”

“ **Broom Zum**!” Boom Boom shouted angrily, flailing his arms still.

“You’re doing great, sweetie,” Kammy said genuinely.

Finally, the screen turned back to me, and I couldn’t help but wish it didn’t. I didn’t like the attention. Bowser’s eyes seethed with a fiery energy as he said, “Well then, scrawny, I hope you’re ready because we’re about to begin!”

I’m not! I’m not ready at all! I could barely even keep my ball in place!

“Too bad!” Bowser guffawed. “Now here we go! 3… 2… 1…”

Red tensed, his mask getting sweaty under all the pressure. Wendy merely jingled her hoop earrings, giving another flourish to the crowd. Boom Boom… just kept flailing. And me? I could feel my legs turning into jelly again, fumbling backwards and forwards, teetering on the edge of the arena and my ball at all times.

“ **Start**!” Bowser roared, flames eating the screen away.

It all happened so fast. Too fast. I was never prepared to fight any of these Koopas, much less fight them while balancing on a ball. Of course I never stood a chance! What other outcome could there possibly be? Oh. Well, I guess I should explain what happened. Sorry for the spoilers.

Red was the first to dart out of his corner, rushing forward at inhuman (and inKoopa) speeds towards Wendy. Wendy, being the veteran that she is, dodged deftly to the side, laughing a spiteful laugh. Red’s eyes widened as his ball dangled dangerously on the edge, just barely able to come to a stop in time.

“Oh, Red, you’re always _so_ predictable,” Wendy taunted, finding the time to put on lipstick??

Red fumed, his entire body boiling almost as hot as the lava. “Stop making fun of me! I’m cool! All the boys say I am!”

“Yeah, bro! You’re super cool!” Yellow screamed from below.

“See!?” Red said, motioning towards his crew.

Unbeknownst to them, Boom Boom was flailing his arms and legs, appearing to build speed with his ball.

“Oh, please,” Wendy sighed. “Lord Bowser only keeps you around because he feels sorry for you. When I toss you off, I’ll prove how much of a weird nerd you are to everyone! And then Boom Boom and I will take down this little green geek, and we will have an honorable duel to decide the true winner! I, of course, will still win, because I know what I’m doing! No offense, Boom Boom.”

“Vroom Vroom…” Boom Boom said quietly, sounding like an engine revving up.

‘Nerd’ really hit home for Red. He almost fell off right there on the spot! But then, he just gritted his teeth and screamed, “I. AM NOT. A NERD!!!!” and charged forward again with the speed of one hundred ninjas. That’s just the speed of one ninja, but you get what I mean, right?

Wendy finished putting on her lipstick and had time to laugh again before dodging to the side once more. Her eyes widened as she realized that Red must have predicted this, his ball swerving and drifting (even leaving skidmarks on the platform!) as he curved his way back towards her directly. With a decisive _bump!_ he slammed his ball into hers, knocking the glitzy girl backwards and nearly right out of her heels. For once, she didn’t seem so glamorous as her hoops jingled like crazy and her mouth opened wide as she shrieked, flailing her arms around like mad in attempt to regain control.

“Ha! How do you like that!?” Red said, striking his trademarked pointing pose at her instead of just finishing the fight. “Could a nerd do that?”

But now it was Wendy’s turn to be furious. Steam was practically coming out of her ears! Must have been a Koopa thing. They were related to dragons or something, weren’t they?

“I-I was going easy on you!” she screeched, rushing towards Red yet again, a dangerous determination in her eyes. “I’ll put you back into irrelevancy where you belong!”

“Bring it on, old hag!” Red screamed back, dashing towards her.

“Hey!” Kammy yelled.

“Sorry! Not you!”

Their balls clashed together, both steaming and furious, neither giving each other an inch. Red and Wendy grappled each other, clasping their hands together, screaming insults and spittle all over each other as their feet meshed into a lightspeed blur. It was a power struggle for the ages! I was enthralled! The two were incredibly evenly matched despite what the other would say. Sparks and smoke rose from the balls as they pushed into each other!

“ **BOOM BOOM!”** Boom Boom roared intelligently, his flailing and spinning finally at max power. Like a top that had been gathering speed for twelve hours, he let himself loose onto the arena, stronger and faster than even a Banzai Bill. And like a Banzai Bill, there was no controlling him after he shot out.

He spun around the arena like an absolute madman, whirling around without a care in the world. I’m sure you can guess what happened next. His target reticle locked onto me, and as this meteor of meat nearly crashed into me, his raw power turned him around and instead slammed directly into Wendy and Red in the center of the arena.

“Huh!? Wha-Boom Boom, n-” was the only thing either of the Koopas could say as they exploded from his impact, flying off the opposite ends of each other and down into the cheesy lava below. Sadly, Boom Boom had less control over himself than he must have liked. After the impact, he found himself going too fast to stop, and flung his beefy body over the edge into the lava below.

Leaving me. In the same corner I started. Still just barely able to even balance myself.

“ ** _WHAT?!_** ” Bowser howled, his voice shaking the entire club and even the chandeliers. In a fit of rage, the King himself leaped up onto the platform, fire burning and melting anything and everything near his mouth. Just his impact caused an earthquake in the near vicinity, completely knocking me down from the ball and back onto my nose rather painfully.

“He did absolutely nothing!! You dirty rotten cheater!” Bowser roared, stomping towards my crumpled shivering body. I could feel the flames ready to burn me alive, I could hear his claws sharpening as he planned to skewer me. “You’re even worse than your brother! You think you can come into my territory, **MY HOME** , and make a mockery of **ME?!** ”

I accepted my death. I lived a fine life. Well, not really. My life was pretty pathetic. I never did anything worth noting, but at least I died trying to do something. That’s somewhat admirable, right?

Before King Bowser could brutally murder in front of at least one hundred witnesses, I heard a little magical puttering come to his side. “Your Furiousness! I must remind you we are in public!” Kammy whispered something else that only he and I could hear. “Plus, please remember your blood pressure. You have Bowser Jr. to think of. Try counting backwards.”

“I know exactly where I am!” Bowser screamed. “It’s about time I sent a message to everyone! I don’t care what that stupid doctor said!”

“Okay, okay, yes,” Kammy said anxiously. “We can send a message, but maybe we should send a message when our heads are a little clearer, yes? You know, like write an angry letter but never send it? What would your boy think of you if he saw you go to prison?”

“Shut up about my boy!” he groaned. “I… I know I have a son to think about!”

“And just like when you were a little trouble maker, you were very impressionable,” Kammy said in a strangely… motherly tone? There were definitely some pieces to the puzzle I was missing here. “I know you grew up without any parents to look up to of your own, but that’s not a reason you should do that to your Jr. too, right?”

The flames at my back were lessoning, and the air felt like a lava flow cooling itself into the salty ocean. “Grah, I guess you’re right, Kammy. Always have been, haven’t you?”

“That’s right, hee hee!” she cackled. “Now I know this little whippersnapper didn’t deserve to win, but he did win. It’s not like we lose anything. Why don’t we just talk to this pathetic little man? What could he possibly do anyway?”

Even with my eyes closed, I could tell Bowser was frowning. But at least was no longer going to kill me. I felt a gigantic claw pick me up by my overalls and force me on my feet, making me stare directly into his beastly maw.

“Sorry for scaring you, scrawny,” Bowser said genuinely. “Stop crying! Geez.”

I couldn’t help it! I’m honestly surprised I only started crying once!

“You know, you remind me of myself when I was younger.”

Wowie. Really?

“No, not at all, actually.” Bowser put a finger on his chin. “Why does a baby version of you seem so familiar?”

Kammy quickly flew in on her broom between us, clearly distraught. “Uh!! Hm, let us not dwell on that! There were certainly no kidnappings decades ago, and even if there were, there’s no proof! No one understands Yoshis! Now, let’s fix up this platform and get more comfortable, shall we?” She gestured to the Paratroopas and other Koopas to get things back in order, sweat forming at her wrinkled brow.

Hmm. Bowser had gotten me thinking, too. I remembered having nightmares about a Magikoopa, but those were just nightmares, weren’t they? And the Magikoopa wasn’t an old lady, that’s for sure.

Before I could think on it any further, the platform receded back down, allowing the floors to connect back together like a horrible battle to the death didn’t just happen. I saw an upset Red fuming to himself as the other Koopa Bros. attempted to get some of the lava out of his shell. Wendy, too, was grouching and grumbling to herself, trying to get the spare cheese out of her hoops and hair, Ludwig and a couple of the other Koopa Kids looking disappointed.

Boom Boom was happy, though. The marinara sauce went great with his noodle arms. He was starving.

Bowser returned to his throne, petting a few Chain Chomps delicately on his way back. It was almost cute how tenderly he stroked the metal monsters, the way they pressed against his scaly hand. Both were so tough and fearsome, yet neither could hurt each other. Maybe that was why he liked them so much? They understood each other. The world feared them, but at least they wouldn’t fear each other.

“So, scrawny,” Bowser said with a sigh, sounding exhausted after his burst of rage. “Whaddya wanna know? Lemme guess. Wanna know where your brother’s been, eh?”

I nodded excitedly. Bowser appeared to be in a much more understanding mood. But there was something else I wanted to know, too! I can’t forget about my original mission! To help Daisy find her crown! That Bean thief, Popple, and Waluigi had stolen it! But apparently, they lost it in a game here in Bowser’s Castle.

“What?” Bowser grumbled, a hint of anger returning. “Those two said _I_ stole it?! And you believed a couple of actual criminals over me, because I’m Bowser, right?”

Uh. Um. Well, I hadn’t thought of it like that.

“Typical,” Bowser sighed. “So I kidnap the chief of police a few times! Maybe I was a little overly forceful in my romantic gestures! Suddenly that means anything that goes wrong in the city is my fault, huh?”

Kammy decided it was important she step in. With an unsightly cough, she said, “I was here during that young harlot’s visit. Daisy was it? The ‘International Sports Super Star’ or whatever it is you kids are calling her? She didn’t seem so great to me, what with all the drinking she did, bah! Disgusting! She’s supposed to be a role model to children and women everywhere!” She ignored the fact that she and Bowser weren’t exactly the best role models either.

Hmm. This lined up very well with Daisy’s own story.

“Shouldn’t she have told you all this before?” Kammy asked with a bulging eyed glare. “If you knew she was here, why would you think that little fool Popple stole it from her? And then brought it here?”

Oh. Well, I… I didn’t have much time to really think on all the logistics yet.

“We won that crown fair and square right off that little girl’s head!” Kammy rasped. “She was the one who spent all her money on Syrup, she was the one who lost all her coins on slots! She _begged_ the Koopa Bros. to play more games with her, to keep partying with her. We told her it would cost her! We _told_ her! And she offered her crown! Said she didn’t care about the old thing, it was just some ancient relic.” Kammy seemed particularly offended by that last part.

“Yeah!” Bowser added, scratching a Chain Chomp under its chin. It closed its eyes, in heaven. “I came in the next day, and Kammy told me all about it. I said it’d be a great centerpiece to attract new customers! The Sports Super Star’s Crown! Right front in center! We had posters made for it and everything!”

Kammy grumbled something angrily, flustered for once. “It was my fault, Your Geniusness. I saw that stupid little Bean thief enter the Castle. I had information on him, I knew who he was, but I was sure! I was sure he wouldn’t take anything from us! With all my magic and our sentries, I was overconfident. But that no good hoodlum made off with the crown!”

Bowser banged his fist on the throne, but the Chain Chomps only thought he was playing a game. “And then the guy had the nerve to blame it on us! Real piece of work! Why the hell are you askin’ about it anyway? Shouldn’t you have gotten it back when you captured him?”

Ah. Well, that was the thing. He sort of got away. It didn’t seem like he had the crown on him either?

“What?” Bowser shook his head. “This doesn’t make any sense. So, what, the guy tells you he stole the crown, but doesn’t have the crown on him, but then tells you who _stole_ the crown from _him_?”

Um. Well, I guess that’s about right. It is a strange story, isn’t it?

“Sounds to me like someone’s trying to play you for a fool, scrawny,” Bowser said, leaning his face onto his fist lazily. “And lemme tell ya, it aint me.” He grinned. “At least for now.”

“If he’s stealing rare metals, he might be selling them to Smithy,” Kammy said out loud, looking thoughtful.

“Makes sense,” Bowser agreed, nodding. “I don’t like the guy one bit. He’s a freak. Never comes out of his factory, never makes a big entrance, but always wants to do business. Always wants to make more _things_. As long as we stay out of each other’s way, there’s usually no problem. There was a time we got into a bit of a scuffle, but we were pretty evenly matched. He’s screwed up, but he’s a man of his word.”

“There’s also the fact that Popple is a Beanish person,” Kammy went on. She knew everything that went on in this city, didn’t she? “Cackletta has been pretty aggressive in trying to get new territory. She’s could have some traction with other Beanish people, considering she’s a Bean herself. Although that seems unlikely.”

“Ugh, that backstabbing Bean bitch!” Bowser cried, his temper flaring up just like his flames.

Kammy gave him the side-eye through her glasses, looking very disappointed.

“Er, sorry,” Bowser coughed. “Some of my best friends are bitches!” He petted another Chain Chomp sweetly. “You guys-you guys know I don’t have a problem with women! Look, Kammy is proof of that!”

“I know that, Your Sexistness,” Kammy said grumpily. “But we need to work that word out of your vocabulary if you really want to win the people over. They’re still thinking about your alleged kidnaps against Chief Peach. Plus, if Jr. ever heard you speaking like that…”

“Gah, I know I know!” Bowser hissed. “Fine, sorry! I meant to say jerk. She’s a real jerk, all right? I hate her! At least Smithy knows his limits, at least Smithy will agree to deals and promises! That Cackletta…” Bowser grit his fangs together. “She’d sell her helpless grandma as dinner to Piranha Plants if it gave her a little power. She’s as cunning as she is ugly. Always plotting _something_. Don’t believe a single thing she ever says!”

Kammy glared again.

“What!? She is ugly! It’s not because she’s a woman! Smithy’s also an ugly mother-erm.”

“It’s not about that! Why did you feel the need to insult her looks and not Smithy’s then?”

“Look, I just really don’t like her, okay!? She’s a scumbag of the highest caliber. She took Jr. and-”

He blinked, suddenly remembering I was standing right there. It seemed they forgot I was here. That’s okay. It happens a lot. I’m not very important.

“Forget that last part,” he growled at me. “Say a word of it to anyone, and you’re _dead_. Got it?”

I barely could breathe. I turned to Kammy to see if Bowser went over the line. No, she was glaring at me just as strongly. These two meant it, didn’t they? I wouldn’t say a word! Why would I even want to?

“Good,” Bowser nodded. “Point is, I wouldn’t put it past her. I have no idea where this crown is anymore. Maybe Smithy has it, maybe Cackletta ordered to steal it, I don’t know! There’s your answer. What else do you want, scrawny?”

Bowser’s relaxed air became charged yet again. I didn’t want to push my luck. I only wanted to ask about Mario, and where he could possibly be. That was more important than anything.

“Bout time we got to that little red devil!” Bowser snapped. “Ya know, though, I’m surprised your pal the Princess didn’t tell you anything.”

She didn’t know anything! So of course she wouldn’t tell me anything!

Bowser sneered at that, looking so smug. “Oh, is that what she told you? Ah, that Peach…” He looked almost distant. “She’s not as good of a person as she thinks she is.”

Huh? Why would he say that? What did he mean?

“To think she’d withhold information about your own brother.” He laughed, enjoying this way too much. “Now, why would she do that?” The way he phrased the question made it seem the answer was obvious to everyone but me.

“Sire,” Kammy said, gently reminding him to stop teasing me so much!!

“Right, right. Lemme tell you what I know about your stupid brother,” Bowser pouted. “Which is way too much by the way! I swear, that guy is here once a week, checking up on me! I don’t cause nearly as much trouble as that Smithy or that Cackletta! Why me, huh? Everything I do here is _perfectly_ legal!” He said in the way that meant more like _it should be illegal, shouldn’t it? Gahaha!_

“Anyway, you can imagine my surprise when that nasty little red jerk doesn’t show up on my doorstep for a week!” Bowser smirked. “It’s been a great week, by the way. But, I got to thinking. What is that little goodie-goodie up to? Maybe he’s up to something. So, as I do, I ask Kammy what he’s been doing! What was the last thing he did, what’s he been up to!?”

Kammy’s glasses gleamed dangerously, like an all-seeing crystal ball. “I know everything that happens in this city. I have eyes and ears everywhere! No one escapes me.” I shivered at the thought. “But Mario… the last thing I know was that he was called in by Chief Toadstool to investigate a murder.”

M-m-murder?!

“Oh, darling,” Kammy sighed. “Murder is quite common on these streets. You’d be wise to get used to it. It’s nothing so special. From what my sources say, there was a turf war between Cackletta and Smithy. Some Toad got caught in the crossfire and was found dead.”

Bowser puffed some black angry smoke through his nostrils. “Bah. If it was a Koopa or a Goomba, no one would even care. They act so high and mighty, but only if it’s a Toad that gets hurt. They don’t care about any of us.”

Kammy nodded. “That Toad was apparently important to someone in the NDPD.” She shrugged. “I couldn’t care to find out who or why. But last anyone’s seen of Mario was him going to check out Smithy. He was also planning on stopping by Cackletta’s turf as well, but there’s been no sign of him at either place since.”

I didn’t like that. I didn’t like that. I didn’t like that. It kept repeating in my head. I hated it here. I didn’t want to hear this. Why couldn’t they just tell me Mario was fine? Why couldn’t they just tell me where he was? Why did they have to act like none of this mattered? Mario was right, they have no hearts. They really are evil aren’t they.

“And before you get any bright ideas,” Bowser growled, trying to read whatever my facial expression must have been. “We had nothin’ to do with this. Got it? Sure, I’d love to get rid of Mario! If I could! He messes with me more than anyone else! But here’s the thing, if I got rid of him, I know for sure I’d be the first to be suspected! You people always blame me for everything! It’d be too much of a hassle for me to get rid of him.”

That wasn’t exactly rock-solid evidence that he didn’t do it. _It couldn’t be me because I’m the obvious choice!_ Sometimes a pipe has bite marks on it. Sometimes its rats, sometimes it just happened to rust that way, but most of the time it’s a hungry Piranha Plant. Just because it isn’t always a Piranha Plant doesn’t mean I shouldn’t suspect it.

Bowser was getting testy. I wasn’t groveling at his feet anymore. I just didn’t have the energy for it. It felt like someone had ripped my soul out with a scythe and left me for dead in some dusty old castle.

“So, what are you gonna do now, scrawny?” Bowser asked, tapping his claws against his throne, making a metallic clicking noise. It reminded me of a clock. Like a timer. Counting down. “I’m sick of your face around here. What can I do to get you outta here?”

I wasn’t sure. My mind was stuck in a loop. I kept seeing my brother. Kept seeing him, but having a hard time picturing him. I could only hope I’d see him again. To get a refresher. I would see him again, wouldn’t I?

Bowser sighed. “All right, scrawny, I get it.” Again, there was that face. That face like he wasn’t an evil tyrant, like he _wasn’t_ some criminal mastermind tossing drugs in the street like it was candy. I hated it almost as much as I hated him. “I don’t like Mario, but I guess he is your brother. It sucks that he’s been missing. For you. I guess.

“How about I give you a ride over to Little Beantown, free of charge? Can go bother Cackletta instead of me. I’d send ya over to Smithy’s, but we got an agreement, ya see? I don’t step on his toes, he don’t step on mine. Cackletta on the other hand? I refuse to bargain with her.”

Why not. Might as well. It didn’t matter.

“Geez, man. Your face is depressing,” Bowser growled. “Let’s get you outta here before you start making the other guests cry just by lookin’ at ya.” He snapped his fingers again and I felt the ground open up beneath me, swallowing me whole into the dark. “You’ll be takin’ the express car outta here, scrawny! Gahahaha!”

I felt something squirm underneath me and a pair of hands grab me roughly. It should have been terrifying, but, I just couldn’t shriek. I heard some gears whirring, some kind of strange electronic noise calculating something. I think I was in a cannon?

“Now that that’s out of the way,” I heard Kammy say outside my pit of darkness. “We really need to talk about your minions, Bowser.”

“Aw, it’s never good when you call me that.”

“It’s come to my attention that this may be a hostile work environment. I think there needs to be some changes so what happened during the Sphere battle doesn’t happen again.”

“Aw, man! I guess you’re right. I had no idea Red and Wendy hated each other so much. Maybe I was a little too rough on ‘em.” There was a pause. “Is that green doofus still here? Why hasn’t the canon fired?”

“They’re waiting on your order, Your Leaderness.”

“Right. Right. Uh, hurry up and fire already! I gotta check on Jr. Make sure he’s actually sleeping. Kammy, can you-”

And I couldn’t hear anything else. The canon exploded with power, the Bullet Bill flying out through the (now open) roof of Bower’s Castle, holding me extremely tightly in its grumpy mitts. I was pelted with rain for a short time before we pierced the dark clouds. I couldn’t see anything out here. It was just darkness, clouds, and stars.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know canon Bowser usually is a lot meaner to Kammy, but I'll be honest? I didn't really like that. I like the idea that they work together a bit better. Soooo I did that. Thanks for reading.


	5. You Need Help

Out here, up in the sky, soaring at impossibly high speeds, you really get time to think. Well, not really. My friend, Bullet Bill, got me to where I was going in probably less than a minute, but it was still a good time to think. Up here I could be alone. … er again, except for my good friend, Bill! But he wasn’t very talkative.

Now that I was away from that nasty Bowser and his awful Castle, I felt a little better about myself. Mario was lost even to Kammy! That is… well, that’s not good! But!!! Not all hope is lost! I could still find him. I could even save him! And… and… and…

If he really was…. I couldn’t even say it, couldn’t even _think_ it. But if he was… … then at least I could know. At least I could know what happened. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself without knowing.

A tower approached from the distance. A tall tangled tower, stabbing through the dark clouds, alone in its madness up here. Even at my ludicrous speeds, I could see at the very top was a comfy looking balcony! It probably gave a great view of… er… well the clouds, I guess. Seeing as it was impossible to ever see the city with all the rain. Still, it looked so peaceful.

Ah! It appeared my stop was here. My good friend, Bill, let me know this by friendily dropping me from his strong grip. As I fell to the city, I took one last glance towards the tower again. Hm. I could swear I saw someone there? A strange fellow. Waving? Were they waving at me? I couldn’t get a better view as I tumbled through the fluffy wet clouds and down into the noisy lights of the city.

Conveniently, instead of smashing my skull and bones against the harsh unforgiving pavement of New Donk City, my body fell atop a nice big pile of soft green beans! My good friend, Bill, must have calculated this, surely! Wherever you are going, Bill, I’ll never forget you.

“Hey! That’s my bean cart you’re not dying in!” someone cried.

“S-sorry!” I said, tumbling out of the cart, taking more than a few beans with me. I apologized profusely for not dying in the street and ruining this poor man’s business.

“Ah, well!” the weird green man said, his eyes and mouth hollowed out in a warm yet kind of creepy smile. “My sales here stink! Seems Beanish people aren’t really interested in buying beans for some reason? Gee, you think they’d love it!”

Oh! Wowie, I must have landed straight in Little Beanbean Town! It took me a while to recognize, but this happy fellow before me was a HooHooligan! Despite the unfortunate name, I’ve heard that Bean people, and their cousins the HooHooligans, are quite friendly! Although maybe a little strange.

My only knowledge of their people comes from Prince Peasly! One of the few celebrities I actually know. I’m a bit embarrassed to admit I have a poster of him back at home. He’s so cool! He stands at the very height of fashion! I think he plays sports sometimes too, but I don’t pay much attention to that.

“So, uh, hey stranger, I know you just fell from the sky and all, but, are you all right?” the Hooligan asked me, his cactus like arms stuck forever in a greeting pose. “You got one of them thousand-yard stares going.”

Goodness, I was daydreaming again! It felt nice to think about something other than frightening thoughts, for once. I paid the cart owner a few coins, hopefully covering the damage I caused.

“Gee, thanks, green guy!” he said, smiling happily. “This isn’t nearly enough, but I appreciate the gesture!”

I had never been to Little Beanbean Town, even in all my time living here in New Donk. I was always told it was like a canned Beanbean City, a home away from home for the Beans. While it was very nice! It was also… strange. Not that I was against foreigners or outsiders or anything! But the Bean people had a weird fascination with mouths and… teeth.

Buildings all over were covered with ads and posters featuring green skinned men and women proudly showing off their extremely large mouths and their _incredibly_ white teeth. As pristine as Wendy’s pearls! Maybe even more so. They were clearly very serious about their dental hygiene here.

Across the screens and ads for Peasly Pants (Which I’ve been saving up for!) there were also many posters for comedians, new and old. Neon signs twinkled with images of laughing mouths, ‘ _Ha! Ha! Ha!’_ they blinked. Comedy must have also been important to them, and I could see it just in the way they all walked! There were Beans of all shapes and sizes strolling through the rainy city, but none of them frowned. It was a little disconcerting actually.

Hm. And stranger still, unlike Bowser’s part of the city, there was no sign of Cackletta around here. No posters, no pictures, no minions, no anything! Was she truly as big and bad as people said?

“Uh, stranger,” the cart Hooligan grumbled, a frown forming over his face. They were a lot scarier when they _didn’t_ smile. “I couldn’t help but overhear you mumbling about…” he shifted his hollowed eyes, making his next words extremely quiet. “ _Cackletta._ ” He returned his voice back to normal. I could tell he was shaken, just saying her name. “You’re not looking for her, are you?”

Oh, as a matter of fact, I am looking for her! These Bean fellows were certainly perceptive, weren’t they?

“Okay, buddy, you’re new here,” the street merchant said, his face contorting into a grim hollowed out jack-o-lantern. It didn’t appear easy for him to do this. “Don’t go looking for her. Just don’t. She’s bad news. Bad. Bad news. People that go looking for her don’t often find her, and instead, _those_ people get lost. You catch my drift?”

Eep! Could she really be so terrible? I had already met the King of Crime himself, so how could she possibly be worse?

“Bah, Bowser? I wish that guy was here. He’s a big fluffy teddy bear compared to _her_.” The Hooligan shivered, his stiff movements even stiffer than usual. “I mean, I’ve never seen her myself, but I’ve heard stories.”

I was already back to trembling. Even the blinding smile of Prince Peasly’s posters couldn’t possibly protect me. But it didn’t matter how terrifying she was! I needed to find her. My mind wouldn’t let me be at ease.

“You’re a weird dude, greenie,” the Hooligan said. “But fine. Everyone knows she stays at Booste-I mean _Cackletta’s_ Tower and spends all day and night scheming and doing who knows what! I’ve heard explosions coming from there, and not the fun kind like they used to be!”

Like they used to be? What on earth did he mean by that? Were there such things as fun explosions? And how come he had trouble saying the tower’s name?

The merchant stared at me like I was some kind of lost kid. A look I was very used to.

“Geez, man, are you from Nimbus City or something? It _used_ to be Booster’s Tower. He was a weird guy that just sorta moved into Little Beantown. A bit eccentric, sure, but he got along well with us. Then, maybe a year or so back, _Cackletta_ shows up out of the blue and storms the place. Calls it _her_ tower.”

How could she just take over? Wouldn’t the police get involved?

“Hey, first you break my cart, and now you start askin’ me a million questions about stuff I don’t like talking about!” the Hooligan said, his voice rising a pitch. “I dunno man, the old owner never pressed charges! I’m… I’m just a bean seller, okay?”

But what about this Booster? And Cackletta? Did this Hooligan ever see my brother? Did he ever enter that Tower? There was so much I didn’t know! So much I needed to know!

The merchant slowly backed away, the pretty flower atop his head wilting at the stress. “I, um, I just remembered! I gotta go check on my… beans! Yeah! Sorry, gotta go!” Putting the cart’s handle over his sturdy arm, the merchant quickly scurried away, dropping beans left and right as the broken cart desperately tried to follow him in his haste.

Boy, it was a strange feeling watching someone run away from _me_ for once. Usually it was the other way around. Although, I was starting to feel like running away just at the mere thought of this Cackletta. Come to think of it, I didn’t even know what she looked like! If these Beanish types were already a little creepy…

I didn’t even want to think what Cackletta would be like. Vivid images of a screaming mouth, its black void enveloping all, filled my mind. Agh, wait, I’m thinking exactly about that!! I just said I didn’t want to!

I shook my head, drops of rain spilling off my hat and nose. At least it was warm. At some point you just sort of stop noticing it, I guess?

I knew where to go, possibly. That tower I saw when I came here with (my very good friend) Bill must have been Cackletta’s Tower. It didn’t appear to be far! Only a few blocks away. I could even see it from here between all the funny little Bean buildings!

As I strolled closer and closer towards the tower, I noticed less and less Beanish people walking by. And the ones that were here appeared to be in a hurry, no longer wearing their big bright smiles. I checked around for the Prince Peasly posters, hoping to find some solace in his image, but to my dismay, they looked like they had been forcibly ripped apart, or burned down by a harsh thunderbolt. As a matter of fact, scorch marks littered the streets, along with just actual litter.

I shivered. The usual heat of the city had vanished, replaced by an icy cold. A stark contrast to the hot rain around Bowser’s Castle. Many of the buildings were boarded up, looking dead and empty inside. This was nothing like Bowser’s territory. There were no signs of thugs at least! But at the same time, there was no sign of anything. Nobody wanted to be here.

I found myself standing before the dark looming tower. It was so tall. So very very tall. I felt as if it were ready to gobble me up. A cute round wooden door framed the entrance to this spooky old place, a happy sign near it reading ‘ _WELCOME’_ in big bold letters. But the ‘ _WELCOME’_ was crossed out and instead replaced with a sloppy threatening ‘ ** _GET LOST_**!’

What… what in the world was I meant to do? There was no one around, there was no one to ask. Something rustled in the plants, and I couldn’t shake the feeling that I was being watched. I couldn’t even ask a bouncer what I should do. Why couldn’t there be a nice old lady to talk to me here? But I wasn’t about to leave empty handed. I had no ideas, but I had to try something! I guess… hmm… I guess I could just knock on the front door and see if anyone was home?

Lightning and thunder roared at the very thought of my idea, snapping and crashing into the dirt around me. I shrieked and my legs fell apart underneath. I was scared! I was so so scared! I don’t understand how I did it, but I found myself in front of the door, about to knock politely when…

A rubbery force pounded into my side, knocking the wind out of me and tossing me to the dirt. “Are you insane?!” the voice cried. Female. 

Could this be Cackletta? Was I already under attack?! I screamed and writhed under her tiny little arms and pink mushroom head. She kept holding a finger up to her mouth, trying to shush me, dragging me away from the door and over to the side of the tower. She was much stronger than I would have expected.

“What?! Why in the world would you think _I’m_ Cackletta?” the Toad girl said angrily.

Right. Right, this was a Toad. Cackletta was a Beanish person, wasn’t she? Plus, looking over her, she appeared far too cutesy to be this ‘ugly’ woman that Bowser had described. She even had pink little mushrooms dangling in her pigtails! Although, they were sort of busy whacking me in the face as I struggled against her.

“You wanna know who _I_ am? Who the heck are you?! Why is there a guy dressed like Mario running around going up to dangerous criminal’s lairs and knocking on their door?! You’re the weird one here!”

I absolutely could not argue with her logic. After finally calming down and stopping my struggle, I brushed the muddy dirt off my overalls and tried to explain that I was Luigi! Mario’s brother! I just… I just liked to dress like him, is all.

“ _You’re_ Luigi?” the Toad said, covering her mouth at the shock.

This felt oddly familiar. I get reactions like this a lot, don’t I?

She brushed herself off as well, looking a bit miffed that her hair got messed up in our scuffle. “Ah. Sorry about the tackle. I just… I couldn’t stand by and watch you get zapped into oblivion or something! I’m Toadette by the way, NDP….er…” She paused and let out a sigh. “I’m not NDPD anymore. Sorry. Force of habit.”

She was New Donk Police Department? Or well, used to be? I could tell just by the fire in her eyes that she was tough, someone who didn’t take no for an answer. She reminded me a lot of Goombella actually…

“Hey!” Toadette said grumpily, hands at her sides. “You still never told me what you’re doing here! Also…” She paused to take in a deep breath, looking like she really wanted to yell the next part. She didn’t. “Get outta here!”

No! I couldn’t leave! I went through so much trouble to get here! I need to find Daisy’s Crown and… I needed to find my brother, I needed to find something! If I could survive Bowser, I could survive this! I wouldn’t back down. She’d have to beat me up to stop me. (Which seemed to be a likely possibility.)

“The heck?!” She tilted her head. “You just came from Bowser’s club? Why in the world would you go there? Whose stupid idea was that? You could have been killed!”

Ah. Well, Goombella assured me that Bowser wouldn’t kill me, so-

“Goombella?!” Toadette interrupted, her voice raising an octave. Her eyes softened for a moment, looking through me. “How, uh, how is she?” She shook her head, her spunky expression returning. “Tell me just what the heck’s been going on. And don’t skimp on the details!”

So I did. I told her everything from Daisy, to Popple, to Kammy, to Bowser. When I told her how Goombella stopped a burglary, her face brightened like she had just picked up a Shine Sprite. She was so proud.

We took a seat under the awning of the tower, rain and lightning cackling, but at least here we were safe. It was finally a moment to relax. Shielded from the storm, a patch of Fire Flowers glowed healthily, their leaves and petals dancing ever so lightly against the breeze. I could tell someone at this awful tower must have cared for them. However, one appeared to have been plucked out of the dirt haphazardly, kidnapping it away from its family. It reminded me of Mario.

“I guess… it makes sense she sent you to Bowser’s place,” Toadette mused, looking lost in thought. “She was always better at understanding people than me.”

I was curious. And honestly? I wanted to stay here for a while longer. I wanted to sit in the warmth of the Fire Flowers, away from the freezing rain for a bit more. I wanted to stay out of my head, stay out of danger, at least for a little while.

How did Toadette know Goombella?

“Oh,” Toadette said slowly, looking a bit sad. “Like I told you, I used to be NDPD. I was Chief Toadstool’s right-hand woman not that long ago. Feels like it was years back already. Goombella, as you know, is one of the officers. She didn’t get along with many of the others, not even too well with Peach. But I liked her. I always noticed how she gave everything her all. She’s a good cop. Maybe the best.”

She sounded so sad. What happened?

For a moment she glared at me, as if she had realized she was spilling out her guts to a stranger. “You’re pretty nosy, aren’t you?” But then she just sighed.

I can’t explain it. I have a strange talent for getting people to open up. Again, I think it’s because I appear so pathetic, no one thinks I could possibly hurt them. They’re right.

“Well, it bothers me that you had to hear it from Bowser and not Peach, but…” She looked at me, her gaze harsh, demanding my full attention. “He told you. About the Toad that, um….” It was hard for her to say. “Died.”

Yeah. That was the Toad that apparently was caught in the crossfire between a dispute with Cackletta and Smithy? A turf war of some kind?

Her tiny hands curled into fists, and I was afraid she was going to hit me.

“That was my brother. He,” she gulped, trying her best to swallow down her emotions. “He was made an honorary Captain by Chief Toadstool. The title didn’t actually mean anything. We all knew that. Except my brother. He always wanted to help, he always wanted to explore, he wanted to believe there was a solution to every problem. Like there was nothing he couldn’t fix!”

I didn’t like it. I didn’t like how she kept saying brother. How her brother died. It sent a pale fear inside my stomach that ate into my chest. I didn’t dare speak.

“I never thought… I should have paid more attention to what he was doing. To where he was going. But I was just so busy all the time! And I thought he could take care of himself. He was…. Well, he was a little dopey at times, but he was so resourceful! I just… I never thought anyone, or anything could get to him.”

Stop it. I don’t want to hear this.

Toadette blinked. “Did you say something?”

She shook her head. “Well. It doesn’t matter. He was at the wrong place at the wrong time. I blamed Peach. I screamed at her. I’m so embarrassed. She tried to tell me to cool off, but I wouldn’t listen. I quit right there. Said if no one else was going to try do something about the crime in the city, then I’d just have to do it myself. At least with my last bit of rational thought, I recommended Goombella for my position. And honestly? I think she deserves it more than me anyway.”

But what was Toadette doing here? What was she planning on doing all by herself?

“Oh, you’re one to talk!” Toadette growled. “You came here all by yourself, too! At least I wasn’t planning on just knocking on the front door! I’ve been trying to gather information, see what I can find. I want to know who did it. Who _exactly_ did it. NDPD won’t move in on these guys unless they have solid evidence.

“Even then… could they do anything about Cackletta or Smithy? What are they gonna do, put a god behind bars? Slap some handcuffs on an all-powerful witch?” She sighed, looking hopeless. “I… don’t know what I’m doing here. Or what I’m planning. I just want to _know._ I just want to _try._ ”

That made sense to me. I guessed we could help each other out? Toadette must have known more about Cackletta than me. I asked her about the so-called witch.

“Cackletta, ugh!” Toadette groaned. “She’s new to the city, only got here about a year ago! Most of this, by the way, I learned from talks with Goombella. She knows this stuff way better than me. Anyway, from what I understand, she fled here from BeanBean City after causing too much trouble there. Something about trying to steal their Bean Star. Peace-Lee or something?”

It’s Peasly! Prince Peasly, I told her! And he’s not the Bean Star! He’s a celebrity star who happens to be a Beanish person.

“Whatever, its not important. Point is, she’s here now. As I’m sure you know,” Toadette went on, looking up at the golden gaudy tower before us. “She just barged in and took over Booster’s Tower. Used to be owned by some weird guy and his… wife? I guess? What I _do_ know is that unlike Bowser and Smithy, Cackletta has almost no minions of her own except for Fawful. She just steals and takes from everybody else.”

Fawful? I had never heard of him.

“Yeah, he’s just some pathetic lacky.” Toadette shrugged. “Her right-hand man. Short Beanish guy, always shouting. For some reason, he’s the only one that’s ever managed to live long enough with Cackletta and actually wants to stay with her. Whenever we had to deal with Cackletta, we dealt with that guy instead. Totally full of himself, by the way!”

But just what did Cackletta _do_ though? Bowser spreads drugs around the city, gets people into gambling… but what about this woman?

“That’s the thing,” Toadette said angrily. “Nobody really knows _what_ she does. At least with Bowser or Smithy, it’s obvious.”

Smithy. I’d have to ask about him later.

“But with Cackletta? Barely anyone sees her. And anyone that tries to find out anything goes missing. There’s been some pretty heinous reports against her, from theft, to kidnapping, to murder, but whenever you ask a witness what happened?” She looked down at the flowers. “They go quiet. Clam up.”

The Fire Flowers stared out into nothing like always. If they could speak, what would they say? They must have seen so much. They must know so much. Would they even want to speak? I wouldn’t. I was starting to feel like that now. Somehow, my body managed to ask the next question.

How were we supposed to get in?

Toadette frowned, glaring fireballs my way. “ _We?!_ Who said you were coming along?”

But she had to let me come! I needed to know! I needed to do something!

… …

Actually, wait, I thought about this. Maybe I could just wait outside. She could go in instead, and I wouldn’t have to-

“Hmm, well, I guess if you want to join so bad,” Toadette mused, rubbing her chin in thought. “I do happen to have a spare…”

No, no, that’s okay! I had changed my mind. I trusted Toadette to tell me everything that went down and-

“Yeah.” Toadette nodded. “It would be pretty good to have someone at my back again. Like old times. You’re right!”

That was not at all what I was saying! Why doesn’t anyone listen to me?

The Fire Flowers reflected in her eyes, a renewed energy burning inside her.

“Okay, so here’s what my plan was. It’s not very great, I know! But it’s better than what Goombella would have suggested, like just bashing down the door.” She shuffled through her backpack, pulling out two black cloaks and some scary looking gasmasks. “The first one I bought was way too big for me, but I decided to take it just in case! I knew it was good to always be prepared.” She was extremely pleased with herself.

She handed the thing to me. What in the world was it? What was I meant to do with this? The cloth itself was very smooth, but also felt a little rubbery, sort of like a cheap Halloween costume.

“They’re Snifit outfits!” she said cheerily, pulling the cloak over her big mushroom head. Her voice became muffled as the gas mask’s mouth moved with her words. “Booster, for whatever reason, hires a ton of Snifits! Maybe he’s related to them or something? I don’t know. But these disguises should be perfect!”

It did not seem convincing. Toadette looked like a Snifit, sure, but she looked like the smartest Snifit I had ever seen with the way her head ballooned out. She rushed me to put on my disguise, and like usual, I obeyed without delay.

I became very aware of my own breathing, and the world suddenly became hard to see. It was a little scary, but at the same time… I felt safe in here? No one could see my face, and my body was completely covered! Plus, any weird smells were being filtered through the mask. It was already starting to grow on me.

“Hmm,” the giant headed Snifit said to me. “You’re way too tall. I don’t know if you can pull it off.”

How rude! I was certain I could pull it off. I always liked costumes and getting into character! The robe fit me perfectly! Oh, and even my hands were little nubs, just like them! I felt the urge to walk in a straight line and shoot iron balls out of my nozzle!

But I suppose now wasn’t the best time to do that. Someone was calling out to us?

“Hey! Hey, you two!” a nasally voice shouted, practically scaring Toadette out of her disguise. “You know Gramma hates it when we play outside! What are you doing? Get in here!”

It was a Snifit! A real one! Like me! Toadette turned to face him, clearing her throat.

“We’ll be right there!” I shouted, my voice equally nasally. After all, I _was_ a Snifit. It made sense I would sound like one.

“What the heck? That was amazing, Luigi!” my brainy Snifit friend whispered as we scampered towards the door.

The door Snifit was eyeing everything, suspicious of even the rain itself. He didn’t look angry at least, just terrified of the entire world. I wouldn’t know what that was like, being the confident Snifit that I was.

“You guys weren’t messing with my flowers, were you? I don’t have much anymore! If I find out it was you two who messed with ‘em, I’ll whine real loud! Well, okay, I’ll whine pretty quietly, but you’ll feel bad all the same.”

“No, that wasn’t us,” I said as we sped into the tower, lifting our robes so they didn’t drag any mud in on the tile.

“Hmm, okay,” the Snifit said, unconvinced. He slammed the door behind us as quietly as one could slam a door.

Gentle music fluttered in through my mask. At one point it must have sounded soothing and inviting, but instead the music was garbled, like there were scratches all over the record, or maybe it wasn’t playing at the right speed. Holes littered the walls of the interior, and even some of the checkered tiles were upheaved and tossed aside without any care. Only the entrance was clean, strangely enough. Spotless even. It felt more like an abandoned hotel than a lively tower.

The door Snifit quickly shuffled over behind a once beautiful entrance desk with the letters ‘B. K.’ on the front. It was all scratched and shaken up, much like the Snifit itself, but he appeared to be making do as he shuffled his papers around and sipped anxiously at his coffee mug, the contents dripping into his mask’s nozzle.

The Snifit snuffled. “Now that I got a better look at you two, you guys look a little weird.” His goggles glared our way, and he shivered. “You’re Snifits right? If Gramma finds out I let in some intruders…”

“Yep!” I sniffed back with a nod. Toadette quickly nodded along with me.

He continued to glare, climbing up onto his desk and tipping over his mug and papers haphazardly as he got a better look at us. The inky blackness of his eyes saw all, and we would not escape his inspection. Lightning flashed dangerously through the windows, highlighting any and all imperfections as rain relentlessly pelted down on the tower.

“Okay! Sounds good to me,” he said finally, climbing back down to the front of his desk and sipping his mug again. “Judging by the black robes, you guys must be applying for positions, huh?” He shuffled his papers again, and I noticed they were mostly blank, save for a few with some fun scribbles on them. “Very forward of you to show up in uniform already. Assuming you’ll just get in like that, huh?” He sounded angry, but then quickly followed it up with a, “I like your style.”

Toadette turned to me briefly, appearing lost in all this. I nodded confidently, sure that our employment would go swimmingly. “Oh yeah!” I sniffed, striking a cool pose with my arms outstretched.

The Snifit’s mask’s eyes widened in shock. “Wow!! You might even be overqualified! I gotta watch out for you! And I’m Number 1!”

“So…” I snuffled cooly. “When do we start?”

Number 1 looked over his papers again, shuffling through a particularly happy sun that was wearing some very slick sunglasses. “Oh, you can start right away! We’ve been in dire need of more help lately. And with Number 2 gone…” His voice trailed off. “I think you’d make a perfect Number 2! And your quiet little friend, she seems smart! Number 4 suits her.”

Number 2, huh? Yeah. Yeah! That did sound like the perfect number for me. Number 2. I was Number 2. I’ve always been Number 2! What a great number!

Number 4 nodded along happily. She was always a shy one, wasn’t she? It’s a good thing she had me to talk for her.

“So, Number 1, what do you need us to do?” I asked. “We’ll get right on it, boss!”

Number 1’s mask blushed a bright red. “Boss? No one’s ever called me that…” Lightning flashed, and some kind of explosion far above us that threw him back into reality. “Um! Right! N-Number 3 will escort you to your duties!” He clicked a button at his desk and sniffed something into a little speaker that I couldn’t hear.

In a split second, another identical Snifit appeared at the top of some fancy yet crumbling stairs. “So, you two are the new hires, huh? Come on, I’ll show you around! I’m Number 3 by the way,” he said proudly.

Number 4 seemed like she could barely believe her eyes, but shrugged and pulled up her robes as she scampered up the rotting steps with me.

Number 3 held a nubby hand underneath his nozzle, looking thoughtful. “…You guys aren’t cops or anything, right?”

“Nope!” I said, knowing that was indeed very true.

“Okay, cool, just making sure.” Number 3 turned around and walked forward, his little nubby arms at his back. What a cool guy!

Up here, along the corridor, pictures of strange scraggly bearded men lined the walls. Each wore the same big black beard, and each had their mouth open in a big toothy smile, however most were missing quite a few teeth. They all looked related in the sense that a bunch of trashy black bears look related in a garbage dump.

“As you can see, Booster comes from a long line of very handsome gentleman.” Number 3 sniffed smartly. “These are all his descendants. Family is important, you know! Have to respect your elders!” he said that last part haggardly, practically rasping it out.

As we strolled through, we came along to the last portraits. The very last one must have been Booster himself! He was a prime example of a Booster! Bushy beard, big horns atop his hat, and a look that said, ‘ _Hey! I’m Booster!’_ …. Whatever that meant.

Although… hm. There was something strange about one of the pictures before it. The third generation Booster, the grandparent, showed an intimidating green-skinned woman. Her fangs were sharp, and her body seemed to slither like a serpent. I felt like I had seen this person in my nightmares. Even stranger, it looked like this portrait had simply been taped over another.

Number 4 desperately tugged at my robes, pointing at it with all of her nerdy power. Oh, 4, that is _so_ you.

She whispered, “That’s her! Luigi, that’s Cackletta!” Luigi? Who was that? And Cackletta?...

Number 3 turned around casually, although sweat was definitely forming around his nozzle. “A-ah! Yes, that’s Gramma. Booster’s grandmother. She c-came to visit about a year ago, and Booster being the kind soul that he is, knew to respect his elders!” He laughed, but it was way too high pitched, and I heard him cry a little for a second. “A-and since he’s a respectful grandson, Booster made sure that Gramma has complete control over the Tower! And us!”

“She seems nice,” I said.

“Oh, i-incredibly!” Number 3 said shakily. Probably had too much caffeine like Number 1. “Just, um, if you see her, I’d advise never crossing her path or, um, being in her general vision! That’s what happened to the old Number 2…” He looked down and twiddled his nubs nervously. “He was demoted pretty quickly. Right there. In front of everyone. There was… a lot to clean up.”

“Oh, like, he made her spill her drink or something?” I asked.

“Uh. Yeah. Sure.”

Number 3 quickly returned to his walk, eager to escape the portrait of Gramma. He took us up yet another flight of stairs through a particularly crowded hallway. Snifits of all sorts stumbled by, their blue cloaks representing the lower rank. The way they groaned and shambled seemed pretty unprofessional. This must have been why they weren’t promoted!

“Uh, yeah,” Number 3 coughed, scooching himself aside a drooling Snifit with a strange attachment to its nozzle. It looked futuristic and dangerous, but at the same time, very uncomfortable. “These are, uh, the Laser Snifits. Gramma, in all her elderly wisdom, decided that most of the other Snifits weren’t good enough. So, she, uh, transformed them.”

I moved my arm towards one of the Laser Snifit’s noses and the rings around it pulsated with powerful energy. Number 4 quickly grabbed me and pulled me away from the groaning guy, shaking her head. Yeah, I suppose it would have been very rude of me to touch his spiffy nose doo-hickey.

“They’re not very talkative anymore,” Number 3 sighed, turning one of the Laser Snifits so it wasn’t walking into a wall. “But I guess…. if you yell ‘Intruder!’ or ‘Destroy them!’ they listen pretty well and-oh, oh no.”

The Laser Snifts lifeless masks perked up at the order, their bodies and legs scrambling about. A few of them shot wildly, their lasers piercing and melting the tower’s wall with ease. Number 4 tackled me to the ground, just narrowly avoiding a deadly shot herself.

“Guys! Stop! It was just an example!” Number 3 cried, his body wiggling in fear. “Please? No, wait, I order you to stop! Stop it, you idiots!”

The Laser Snifits quickly calmed down, their beams of pure energy and destruction finally coming to a halt as they resumed their listless shuffling forward. Number 3 let out a horrified sigh of relief. “J-just gotta say it how Gramma would.”

They were very obedient, weren’t they? I see now I was wrong to call them bad employees. Sure, I narrowly avoided death but to be fair, they _were_ ordered to kill! Could I really blame them for listening so well? No, of course not! In fact, I was proud of them. Maybe one day I could be as good at following orders like them.

Number 3 lead us through a few more rooms up the tower, each getting a little stranger and a little more destroyed than the last. One room was just plain upside down! Lights defied all logic and reason, hanging upwards like stalagmites, where as tables with little Snifit mugs sat cutely up on the ceiling as if nothing was wrong. Number 4 was looking a little dizzy, but I held her hand and guided her through some of the impossible geometry. It wasn’t that bad! We Snifits were used to it.

“Oh, yeah, this room usually gives the new guys some trouble,” Number 3 called out, standing on the wall beside us, his center of gravity completely different from ours. “What you wanna do is ignore anything you’ve ever learned about reality and logic and just sorta go with the flow, you know?”

“Can do!” I said simply, looking through a doorway and seeing myself with Number 4 staring back at us. Haha, boy, if I was anyone else, I’d be terrified! Good thing I’m Number 2. Number 4 was getting a little shook up, but that’s just because she was always the brainiac! Poor girl relied on her ‘ _math’_ and ‘ _logic’_ too much.

At some point, gravity and reality went back to making sense and we were back in yet another hallway filled with potholes and colorful toys. I looked through one of the windows and saw nothing but mist and dark rainclouds all around, with the usual deadly lightning. We were certainly high up! I felt what I considered to be fear bubbling inside my stomach, but that didn’t make sense to my character- I mean, that didn’t make sense to me! Number 2! The fearless and cool Snifit!

“So, what do you guys do around here?” I asked, trying to make some small talk. Number 4 seemed very pleased with this form of questioning.

“Oh, this and that,” Number 3 replied casually. “Used to be we just played with Booster and caught Beetles and stuff. Not much has changed really, except there’s this constant dread all the time. And I guess a lot of, like, cleaning and whatever?” He hopped over a hole in the ground that appeared to just have no bottom, an empty vacuum of void, one where none could escape. He threw his candy wrapper down it.

Number 4 tugged at my sleeve, motioning that she was still curious and wanted more questions. Oh, that 4! Well, it was my duty to help sate her inquisitive mind.

“How about Gramma? What’s she do?” I asked.

Number 3 froze in his tracks. “Uh. Nothing. I don’t know? She likes to, um, practice exploding things? And some kind of other stuff. She doesn’t like it when we listen, so we mostly just leave her be. She, uh, sounds like she has a lot of parties by all the shouting and noise she makes.”

“Neat!”

Soon we came up to another long hallway. It didn’t make sense with the way the tower looked outside, but I had come to expect this as normal here. Chain-Chomps of all sizes lined the walls here, barking and growling like a pack of wild animals the second we came into view. Their chains were not very long and did not allow them much movement to attack us. I didn’t like it.

“So, okay, here’s what your main job is,” Number 3 said, standing a very good distance away from the Chomps. “You need to feed the Chomps, kay? But not too much, Gramma said, or else they won’t be hungry enough to attack any possible intruders! Haha, I don’t really know why that’s such a big deal but… elders know best!”

They didn’t seem like they were treated well. All packed up here, screeching and howling at anything that moved. I remembered all the sweet and shiny Chain Chomps I had met at Bowser’s place, the way their eyes and fangs shone so happily. They were bitey, but it was a happy bitey! These creatures… they were angry. Angry at anything that wasn’t them. Angry at whoever had done this to them. Number 4 stared at the Chomps.

Number 3 opened a closet door nearby and scooched a dusty mop out of the way, bringing out a huge bag labeled ‘Chain-Chomp Chow’. It had a cute logo of a happy Chain-Chomp winking, but the bag looked old, like it hadn’t been used much. “Here’s their food. I’d, uh, be wary about getting too close. They’re really hungry. They didn’t, um, used to … hate us? But well…” He ended his thought there.

I sniffed. It’s a good thing I was Number 2, cool guy extraordinaire! I didn’t care what anyone thought of me. I snatched up the bag quickly, impressing Number 3 with my can-do attitude. Next, I reached in and tossed all the food out across the long hallway with a flourish, pouring out the entire bag into the air to the hungry Chain-Chomps. For a moment, I saw their eyes glimmer with hope as they snarfed down their meals ravenously.

“Huh, okay, well,” Number 3 said, staring at the already empty bag. “I like your style, but that was a liiiittle too much? We’re only supposed to give them a handful, but I guess the entire bag is kind of like a handful? And you’re new here, so… rookie mistake.” He paused. “I’ll have to go out and get some more food, which actually, would be kinda nice…”

The pleasant sounds of animals cheerily chomping down their chow didn’t last long. Something was coming. A shouting from below that didn’t sound like any Snifit I ever heard. It made my nozzle shiver.

“I HAVE FURY!” the voice shouted, sounding even closer.

Number 4, being the shy girl she is, (We are related to Shy Guys, after all.) quickly pulled me into the closet next to us, tugging me with a lot more force than I expected. She slammed the door and shushed me. Well, rude, but it would be uncool to not blindly copy her, and I was not uncool!

“Stupid tower of confusion!” the angry voice said, seemingly struggling to speak in his rage. “Fawful should not have to suffer such terrible trek! Foolish, foolish trek! Why is there not an elevator?” The closet’s door was open just a crack, and through my mask I could see him. A short little green man, seething with anger, his enormous glasses swirling with steam.

“That’s!...” Number 4 hushed herself. “That’s Fawful!”

“Oh, yeah, that’s Uncle Fawful,” Number 3 whispered casually, stuffed between us in the closet. “What? Everyone else was hiding. I didn’t want to be uncool.”

Fawful’s rage simmered down just enough so that he could see the hallway before him. The Chain-Chomps were happily eating their meal. Much too happily. This enraged him. “Grrr! Minions! Minions of stupidity, I am calling you!” he demanded, stomping his feet.

I started moving for the door, when Number 4 quickly grabbed me by the robe, shaking her head. We both looked at Number 3. He just shrugged, refusing to move a muscle.

“Impudence! Betrayal! Terrible service!” Fawful screamed. Only the most broken individual would ever answer such a call. Someone without a spine, someone whose dignity was so far gone, they had forgotten what the word even meant.

A large black bird appeared before Fawful, huffing and flapping its wings in a sweaty mess. It wore a strange helmet, kept its long colorful beak down at the floor. It towered over Fawful but cowered before him all the same.

“Dodo! You terrible chicken of mediocreness!” Fawful screeched. “Why do the Chomping Chomps have so many of their food? Did Fawful not give you the most clear of instructions!?”

The bird known as Dodo stared blankly down the hallway before returning his gaze back down to Fawful’s. There was what could have been understood as a shrug, but nothing else. He didn’t seem like the talking type. Fawful was really digging into the bird, but it didn’t seem to phase him all that much. Sort of like he was used to it?

“That’s Dodo,” Number 3 chimed in helpfully, still staying quiet beneath all the screaming. “He’s Booster’s wife’s servant? Or something? I don’t know. Mrs. Booster doesn’t really stay here anymore since Gramma showed up. She just hangs out at some Casino place all day and night now. Dodo sort of does what people tell him to do, and Gramma yells even more than Mrs. Booster does if you can believe it, so he just listens to her and Uncle Fawful instead.”

“A rotten bagel of a sandwich this is!” Fawful screeched, not quite making sense to anyone but himself. “This cheese of feeding is expired! The bread is moldy! And you expect Fawful to take a bite? Fawful will instead bite you!”

Again, Dodo looked peeved, but it was impossible to fully read him. He just stood there and took it like a champ, even as little bits of spittle hit his beak. This bird must have been Employee of the Month for sure!

“Bah!” Fawful spat. “Care I do not! Let the Chomp Chomps do their chomping! Fawful must bring this to Cackletta with much speed! You!” He pointed at Dodo who stared blankly. “Help Fawful carrying this stupid thing of heavy! Do it and Fawful may give less of a punishment!” He paused. “And have a wash of your grubby talons! Do not make dirty our experiment!”

Dodo shrugged in response and lumbered over to the closet door. I looked around, trying to find anywhere to hide, but there was nowhere! It was too cramped in here! We would be seen for sure! The three of us held our breath, knowing that we would soon be revealed.

The door opened, and Dodo’s beady little eyes found ours. He shook his head, making sure he was seeing correctly. Number 3 gave him a quiet wave. Dodo scrambled back to Fawful, hopping and groaning and grumbling.

“What?! What words of disgust fall from such a horrible mouth? A tutor? You are saying to Fawful that a tutor is in the closet?” Fawful groaned and simply smacked the bird upside the head. “You waste Fawful’s precious time! Hurry up and be bringing the thing with you!”

Dodo let out a defeated sigh. His eyes glared our way, but he simply stopped caring about anything anymore. There was a distinct metal _clank!_ sound as he picked something up with his talons. We couldn’t see it from here. He flapped his wings and quickly flew off through the hallway and out of the tower.

“Mmm yes!” Fawful said to himself. “Fawful is in charge, Fawful is the genius one, yes! Eeeyah ha ha ha ha!” he giggled, his mouth opening much too widely. “ **Headgear**!!!!” In the next instant, some kind of strange hat plopped down upon his head, and flames billowed underneath it like a jet pack, carrying the small angry Bean across the Chain-Chomps.

Number 3 practically tripped over himself as he stumbled out of the closet. “Gee wiz! That was a little scary, huh? It’s kinda like playing hide-and-seek, but if you lose, who knows what happens to you!” He laughed, but there was that little cry after. I came out to pat him on the back. “A-anyways! I think I really should get more of that Chomp-Chow! I need a breather. You _two_ gonna be okay on your own?” He giggled at his pun. It was pretty clever. I’m Number 2 you see and…

Number 4 elbowed me in my little Snifit ribs. “Ow!-Oh! Yeah,” I said. “Yeah, we’ll be good! Job description seems crystal clear!” It kind of wasn’t, but that was okay. In fact, did anyone get paid here?

“Cool cool cool,” Number 3 nodded, still a bit shaken up. “Yeah, okay, well I’ll be going! Give Number 1 a call if you need anything or if you start losing your sanity a bit too much or whatever, okay?”

“You got it!” I said, attempting to give him the ok hand sign but realizing I didn’t have fingers. Or did I? Did Snifit’s and Shy Guys have fingers under their robes? Hmm…

“OKAY-BYEEEE!” he shouted, zooming away in a hurry. I went to look out the window and through all the clouds and fog I spotted a tiny black speck running across the ground. Wowie, he was fast.

“Geez-louise,” Number 4 gasped as she ripped the cloak and mask off herself, revealing a small sweaty Toad girl. “Thought I was gonna suffocate!”

I nearly jumped out of my nozzle I was so shocked. A Shy Guy/Snifit taking off their mask! Right in front of me! I always knew 4 was forward but this? “N-number 4!! What are you doing!?” 

She tilted her head, eyebrows raised. “What do you mean, Luigi? It’s hot, I just needed a breather, you know?”

“Y-you can’t just take your mask off like that in front of people!” I said while turning away, my robes heating up in pure embarrassment. Also, why did she keep calling me that awful name?

“You’re really weird.” She sighed. “But fine, you’re right, best I stay in disguise for now.” She quickly dressed herself back up, and the images of Toadette left my mind, leaving me back in my comfortable position as Number 2.

“Phew, okay!” I said turning back around to Number 4 who was finally decent. We’d have to talk about workplace harassment, since I was her superior and all, but that was later.

“There’s a lot to do,” I said, and she nodded. “Look at all the dust around here! And these tiles have footprints all over them. I’ll get the vacuum and you get the mop and we’ll-”

“Luigi! Get a hold of yourself!” she shouted. “We have a mission to do here! Stop messing around!”

I froze. She was right. Number 4 was my responsibility, my employee! And here I was shirking my duties! What kind of Snifit was I? Our primary job was to keep Booster happy and follow Gramma’s orders. We had to find them! They’d tell us what to do. I felt like there was some other reason, too, but the details were hazy.

“Sorry,” I said, my voice sounding less sniffly than usual. I shook my head. I’m Number 2. I’m Number 2. I can do this. “Come on, let’s-a keep going. While the Chain Chomps are-a still eating.” Stupid stutter! Go away!

Toadette nodded. I mean. Number 4. Number 4 nodded. Was it hot in here? I was feeling hot. And dizzy.

As we snuck quietly past the chowing Chomps, Number 4 whispered something to me. “Luigi. Thank you for feeding them. I can’t _stand_ to see animals treated badly. Even if its Chain Chomps, I don’t care!” She cautiously pressed her palm against one of the Chomp’s distracted heads, petting it so softly. It probably didn’t even notice. “Maybe when this is over, we can come rescue them. Send them towards Bowser, at least.”

I wanted to say something along the lines of, ‘Yeah! We’ll do that! I also love animals!’ But then at the same time I wanted to say, ‘We can’t go against what Gramma says! We’re Snifits!’ and then, another part of me… a part of me I didn’t want to remember… didn’t want to say anything at all. It was overwhelming. I didn’t say anything.

Exiting through the door, Number 4 and I found ourselves in front of a train! With railroad tracks and everything! Not fully-sized, mind you, more like a tramcar kind of thing. It felt like a child’s train come to life. The sleek black exterior and its classic locomotive style practically begged for us to jump into the cart and enjoy a ride.

“What should we do?” Number 4 asked, a tinge of excitement in her voice. There was nothing else here. Nowhere else to go. The train tracks went through some dark tunnel to who knows where. Number 4 knew the answer and so desperately wanted to say it. “We have to ride this, don’t we?”

As the Number 2 Snifit, it was my job to know these things! And this certainly seemed like a thing we were meant to ride.  I nodded to her. “Oh yeah!” I said, hopping up happily into the train car.

Number 4 might have been a little cautious before, but my energy proved to be infectious as usual. She scampered up into the seat across with me, needing a little help to get in. She wasn’t the best jumper. “All right!” she said, a smile in her voice. “Maybe this will be a little fun, too!” She looked around. “How do we start it?”

Using my keen sense of Snifit power, I deducted that this pulley thing over at the front of the train must be the start! Had to be! Or maybe it was just the train’s horn. Wait, do train’s have horns? They had whistles or something, right? Ah, well, whatever, I was already pulling on it anyway, so!!!

It hissed to life, steam puffing into my face. Luckily, I was wearing my mask, so I only coughed a little! The train slowly began to chug, puttering along the tracks and into the tunnel. I sat down with Number 4 whose eyeholes sparkled with curiosity.

“See, no problem!” I said, feeling proud of myself. Things were back on track for Number 2! “I think this might actually be fun t-”

In the next instant, the train exploded with raw power, shooting off into the tunnels like a Bullet Bill hyped up on Royal Syrup. I let out a shriek, highly unlike Number 2. I nearly tumbled out of the train as we hit what felt like lightspeed. Number 4 let out a mad giggle as she held onto the train’s car. “Yahoo-hoo-hoo!!”

The world meshed into a warping blur of black and light through the tunnels of Cackletta’s Tower. I no longer knew what way was up or down, I couldn’t even tell if we were falling or rising! We passed through innumerous amounts of rooms and all sorts of strange anomalies. At one point, I could swear Number 4 and I had turned into pixelated version of ourselves, but I think that was just my vision failing.

“Oh, hey guys, how’s it going?” Number 1 said, somehow in the train car behind us, the world still a gory mess of light and dark. He laid his elbows on the cart, holding his chin in his nubby arm cutely as he spoke to our screaming bodies. “Number 3’s still out getting that Chomp Chow or whatever. You guys fittin’ in okay?”

I could only let out a guttural scream from the depths of my soul.

“Nice, man, nice,” Number 1 nodded. “Anyway, I was just grabbin’ some fertilizer from the top of the tower for my little garden out there. Messed up how people just think they can steal someone’s flower, right? Like, hello??? Rude!”

The train quickly came to a halt, the breaks stopping it completely, as if it had never been moving at all. Fighting the urge to hurl, I quickly examined the room we had stopped at. There was the desk with B.K. on it and the Booster Family portraits…

We were back at the bottom!? At the entrance to the tower?!

“This is my stop, it was good seein’ you guys!” Number 1 said as he hopped out with a happy Fire Flower bag in his arms.

I never wanted to ride this thing ever again. “Wait, I want to get off-”

The train shot off into warp speed again, my reality blending into luminescent starbits. For a moment, I was sure we weren’t even _in_ the tower anymore. The inky blackness of the tunnels felt more like the vastness of an unlimited galaxy, and the lights looked more like twinkling stars. Was one of them waving at me?

And just like with Number 1, the train came to a complete and sudden stop. I didn’t care where I was anymore! I climbed out and toppled onto the tile, heaving through my nozzle, begging for that sweet sweet stilted air of the tower.

“Oh my gosh, that was so fun! I think Goombella would have loved that! I gotta take her sometime!” Number 4 cheered as she hopped out of the car, robes bouncing with excitement. 

I didn’t care enough to ask where we were! I just needed to catch my breath. Being Number 2 was harder than I had expected. I was starting to think I might not be cut out for such an important job!

The world finally stopped spinning and I got a chance to glance at my surroundings. There were toys _everywhere_ here: from my brother, Mario, to Prince Peasly, to some ultra-wrestler clad in yellow with a glorious blonde mane. A cute minature office stood off to the side, looking suspiciously like _my_ office, complete with a little Fire Flower on its tiny desk. A beetle played happily in the office, doing important beetle things I assumed.

“Where the heck are we?” Number 4 asked, the rollercoaster high wearing off. She checked behind some of the enormous red curtains, revealing a huge window overlooking the cloudy city. “Did we actually make it to the top? I think so!”

Hm. Strange. If this was truly the top, then where was anyone? A mysterious door caught my vision. A peep hole revealed the outside to be a small but comfy looking balcony. Oh! This was the balcony I saw before! There was someone waving here when I fell into Little Beanbean Town! Where were they now?

I looked into the peep hole.

“HEYYYY buddy!” a gruff voice exploded into my ears. My vision of the balcony was completely overtaken by a bushy beard and a big set of gangly square teeth. The dopey looking eyes stared back into mine, and the man’s jaw opened up into a frightening grin. He reminded me of the Beanish people, but without nearly as much care put into his dental appearance. His smile had tons of gaps and holes. “Are you my new pals!?”

“Uh! Hum!” I shrieked, trying to force a sniffle.

“Wow! You must be my friend if you’re screaming like that!” the bearded man said cheerily. “Here, I gotta come back in, but I’m gonna say the secret password. Don’t listen, okay?”

“Um,” I mumbled, backing away from the door. “O-okey-dokey.”

The stout man shifted his bulging eyes left and right, as if anyone could possibly hear him all the way up here above the clouds. (Like anyone honestly even cared what the password was to this door!) His disgusting lips leaned close to the doorframe, and he whispered, “ _Luigi_.”

“Huh?!” I gasped, wondering how he knew my name.

Not that that was my name! I-I’m Number 2! … Right?

The door unlocked and swung open, letting the strange man scamper inside. “Eh? What was that, pal? Did you hear my password? I just picked it at random! I don’t know anybody named Luigi! Hahaha! Can you imagine?” He wrapped his sweaty arm around my shoulder. “A guy named Luigi! Ha ha HA! Oh, that is hilarious!”

Number 4 stepped up to the plate, her quiet streak over. Now _I_ seemed to be struggling to speak. “Oh! Um, hi! I’m Toa--Number 4! And this is Number 2! You must be Booster, right?”

Thankfully, this seemed to get his attention off me somewhat. He turned us both around to face Number 4, still holding me tight in his friendly headlock. “Yep! My name’s Booster, and I love to party!!!” he said energetically. “I have yet to learn what a party is or how to have one, but my Snifits (That’s you!) have told me all about how great they are and how much I’d love them! I know, not very relevant to this conversation, but I wanted to share.”

Number 4 and I blinked, unable to process the strange man. He was completely unphased by our awkward silence.

“So, you guys wanna like, hang out?? I got pizza and recorded the last match of the Glitz Pit fight! Oh man, I hear it’s between the Koopinator and Rawk Hawk!! They have been throwing so much of the ‘shade’ at each other! Honestly, I’m a little disappointed at the lack of umbrellas and hats or anything that could really cause any actual shade! It feels disingenuous and I’m starting to think that wrestling might not be real? Could you imagine?”

Number 4 stared blankly at Booster. It was up to me to speak up.

“…Yes?” I said, accidently adding that question mark to the end of it.

That was apparently the correct answer. Booster’s grip on me tightened and I could actually _feel_ him start to sweat in excitement. “Wow! Wow! You guys really are the best! I can see why I hired you! Okay, so, I know I said we should watch the fight, but I’m just feelin’ so excited!! I wanna _act_ it out now! It’s been so long since I’ve had friends over! Gramma is always keeping people away!! And I mean, I can’t say no to her! Respect your elders, am I right fellas? Hahaha!”

Everything that came out of his big mouth sounded so incredibly genuine. Even the Snifits had that tinge of fear or helplessness when they said that line. Not Booster. He finally loosened his grip on me just so he could gather up some of his toys.

“I am going to be Rawk Hawk!” Booster claimed, holding up the wrestler-doll like it was a legendary item. “Because I have the biggest rock collection! And I love rocks! Not as much as Beetles, but…”

A flash of red met my eyes. The Mario doll. It jumped out at me (no pun intended) and I couldn’t forget it. It seemed so real! Yet also so foreign. I hadn’t seen Mario in such a long time. My own identity was becoming quite a mystery to myself.

“Mario!” I called out. “Have, um… have you seen Mario at all lately? Just, I-a-noticed your doll…”

Booster stared, mouth agape. His entire body turned to the Mario doll. “Mario?” he asked it. “Huh? Who the heck is that? Do you mean the Great Gonzales??”

“Great… Gonzales?” I repeated, dumbly. That sounded familiar, but I couldn’t quite put my little Snifit finger on it.

Booster’s eyes widened and his gross square teeth grinded together. “Wha!! What kinda Snifits are you guys if you don’t know wrestling?!” He was eyeing me up and down, looking suspicious.

Number 4 nervously jumped to my side. “No, no, we know him!” she assured Booster. “He was an up and coming star in the ring! His persona was that he was a ‘detective’ and his schtick was that he solved who murdered his opponent! It… was always him.”

“S-spoilers!” Booster cried, tears raining down like waterfalls. “I was looking for clues still!! I didn’t know who did it! Why would you do that?!”

Number 4 tilted her head. “Um, but the announcer always says it at the beginning…”

Wait a minute. I think I remember Mario talking about such a thing. There was some kind of mystery or crime at Glitzville not too far from here. He was complaining he didn’t really want to be a fighter, but he got roped into it. Did he really get so popular? I never liked wrestling, so I never tuned into the fights. I should have paid more attention to him.

Speaking of not paying attention, I had also lost track of the conversation. Booster and Number 4 were talking about wrestling things. Number 4 didn’t seem to be the most knowledgeable person to ask about this either.

“Have you seen the Great Gonzales here, Boss?” I asked, interrupting them. Maybe someone pathetic like Luigi would be too afraid to ask, but again, I am not that guy! “I’m his biggest fan!”

Booster’s eyes lit up and he scrambled over to me, his body positively wriggling with a childlike energy.

“Oh! Oh, man! You? No way! I’m his biggest fan!” he said, hopping around with the Mario doll. “He even came here to visit not long ago! Just a week ago, even!!” He paused, looking glum. “I didn’t actually get to see him, but my Snifits got his autograph!”

He produced a greasy wrench from who-knows-where. Across its metal, I recognized that handwriting. ‘ _Great Gonzales_ ’ it read. That was Mario’s messy handwriting! But… why a wrench?

“Eh? I dunno!” Booster shrugged, tossing the wrench into his mouth like a tasty snack. It was best to ignore that. “Probably just first thing they saw? It’s not important!”

I was intrigued. I had to know more. “What else happened? Give me all the details! I’m sooo jealous!”

“Well, this is all hairy-say, I think it’s pronounced,” Booster started. “The Snifits (That’s you guys again! You’re Snifits! But you’re new Snifits so you don’t know what the old Snifits do.) Ahem. The Snifits were at the door when he came by! _They_ said _he_ said that he wanted to talk to Gramma! Maybe it was a wrestling thing?”

I very much doubted it was a ‘wrestling thing’ and to be honest, it was very hard to follow just what this man was saying, but I wrote it down all the same.

“So, I think they called her down for a nice friendly wrestler chat! Number 1 got me that autograph and sprinted up to the top to tell me about it! That’s why he’s my number 1!! I was so excited, I stopped playing with my Beetles right there and put on my best pair of underwear to go see him! But by the time I was all suited up and ready, Gonzales and Gramma were gone…”

Water shot out of Booster’s eyeballs like a leaky pipe as he went on. “I wanted to meet him so bad! But he didn’t want anything to do with me, I guess! All I woulda done is thrown bombs at him and practiced my wrestling moves on him! Is that so wrong??”

I had to learn to ignore most of his ramblings. I tried to ask the right questions. “Do you have any idea if Gonzales went to see another wrestler? Like… Smithy perhaps?”

“Maybe!” Booster said cheerily. “I am not really sure! Gramma showed up again soon and started shouting, haha! Good ol, Gramma. Not sure why my wife (Valentina, in case you didn’t know!) can’t stand her so much! I love her shouting, really gets the blood pumping, ya know? Us Boosters come from a LONG LINE OF SHOUTING,” he shouted, practically shattering my eardrums. He grinned, way too proud of himself.

But the shouting didn’t end there. The timing was almost _too_ perfect, and I had to seriously wonder what was up with this Booster guy.

“Booster! Did you lock this door again?!” an angry voice screeched. Clearly an old woman. “You rotten waste of space!”

Booster hopped up at the mention of his name, but still never showed a bit of fear. “Uh-oh! Looks like Gramma’s here! You two should prooobably hide. Gramma gets cranky pretty easy.” He tugged Number 4 and I over to the window, stuffing us behind the curtains and closing them all in a flash. “Hide here! No one _ever_ checks behind the curtains, _trust me_!”

“Fawful is destroying it!” Fawful said, as wood splintered and crackled around the room, blowing the door clear off its hinges and into a million tiny pieces.

Number 4 and I watched in silence through the tiny gaps in the curtains, hoping they wouldn’t notice us. Even Number 4 was afraid!

“That’s Cackletta…” she whispered, her voice shaking.

Cackletta’s withered body slithered into the room, her form changing with nearly every movement. One thing stayed clear, though; her hunched back, her towering body, and that terrifying mouth full of razor-sharp fangs. She loomed over Booster, her wrinkled green skin wrinkling even further as she sneered at him.

“You stupid pathetic man!” Cackletta hissed, spittle raining down his face.

“Hi, Gramma!” Booster greeted, waving to her like she wasn’t some sort of demon. “How are you and Uncle Fawful doing today?”

Lightning crackled before his feet, answering that question.

“Haha, Gramma, you are such a card!” Booster laughed, somehow not realizing how much danger he was in.

Cackletta’s form shifted and writhed, her eyes grew immensely large, her mouth opened into what could only be described as a pure nightmare. “ ** _Get out of here this instant you disgusting fool!_** ”

Even though it seemed her mouth would swallow him whole and her claws would tear him apart, Booster simply looked up at her with that same smiling face. “Aha, sure thing Gramma! I’ll see you later!” And without a care in the world, he scampered away on his train, toot-tooting its whistle as it shot away into the tower.

Cackletta’s spine no longer stretched as she returned to her normal form, (Which was still scary by the way!) and called out to her minion. “Fawful! Bring in the test subject.” She grumbled and groaned, “How that pest, Booster, has managed to escape my wrath after all this time is beyond me…”

“Yes, Cackletta!” Fawful said obediently, before shouting, “Dodo!!!”

There was that defeated sigh of flapping wings as the large black bird flew in, holding a metallic object. He dropped it on the tile before them with a loud _clunk!_

“Good, good, Fawful, good!” Cackletta sneered, her lips morphing into a horrible smile, worse than her frown. She waved Dodo away like he was nothing more than a pesky fly, not even worth wasting a word on. Dodo looked only too happy to oblige, quickly fluttering out of the room, hopefully to somewhere where people treated him better.

“Yes!” Fawful said proudly. “Fawful has procured this one with much better efficiency! That foolish fool, Smithy, had none of the idea this time!”

The metal thing on the ground sparked and writhed. It was still moving! Wires fell out of its stomach like guts. Though most of its red paint had been scraped off in the attack, it resembled a Shy Guy on a knife-like pogostick.

“Boing! -Bzzzzzzzt!- Boing!” it buzzed pathetically, its voice coming out like T.V. static. It was clearly not working very well anymore. I couldn’t help but feel bad for it? Even though it was just a machine and didn’t look very nice.

“Much better, Fawful, much better! Eeeyah ha ha ha ha!” she cackled, her tongue slithering out of her mouth. “Seems I still have use for you yet! I’m willing to forgive you for your mishap from before! After all… I spent so long tending to you, teaching you, like my own little seed! Would be a horrible waste to find out you’re a _rotten_ bean, wouldn’t it?”

Fawful began to sweat over his trembling body. “Y-yes, Cackletta! Fawful promises to grow into a great big melon of usefulness!”

That didn’t quite make much sense, (even to Cackletta, apparently) but she ignored his yammering, and turned her attention to the squirming metal piece of scrap on the floor.

“Hmm, yes, a Shyster…” Cackletta mused, circling it like a vulture about to rip into flesh. “Yes, yes, this should work this time! Stand back, Fawful, unless you wish to join it in where its going!”

Fawful yelped and scooted back against the wall, much to Cackletta’s pleasure.

“Now, just like everything else, become mine!” Cackletta screamed, her arms stretching out impossibly over the creature, fingers growing right before our eyes. A devilish lightning magic shot from her body, striking the Shyster where it lay. It rose from the ground by her power, wires still sparking, voice box still repeating in agony.

For just a moment, the thing moved under her power, its metal feature morphing into something monster-like. But only for a moment. The metal reformed its Shyster shape and fell to the tile with yet another thud, completely unchanged.

“Boing! -Bzzzzzt!- Boing!”

Cackletta seethed, her spine stretching out yet again as she grew. “Why won’t my magic affect it!? How can this be!?”

Fawful, however terrified, still chose to speak up. “F-Fawful’s best guess is that it may have something to do with Smithy’s tiny, stupid, power!” he whimpered. “Not his own, of course! He merely is using the great powerings of a Crystal Star! Fawful believes it is with that thing that his creations can resist you.”

“Crystal Star, Beanstar, Star Piece!!” Cackletta screamed. “There’s always some kind of cruddy star isn’t there?! Always some kind of star getting in my way! Why is it that he of all ‘people’ has such a thing?!”

“Fawful believes it is from some sort of dealing… The stupid man used to own a Star Piece, but those star idiots had a wanting for it for their road? Fawful does not have all the knowing! But Smithy traded his Star Piece for a Crystal Star. Similar in powerings, but much less important to the star idiots!”

Cackletta scooped the Shyster into her claws, and then clenched it into sparking fists, crushing the metal with ease. “That Smithy, always the slick business man, ain’t he? Probably gonna take over the whole city with the way he steals things! Always, always with the deals!”

“An awful, awful fink-rat!” Fawful agreed.

I couldn’t help it! I tried so much to hold it in! But watching her move, watching her destroy that machine, everything, it was all too much! Even for Number 2. I let out a tiny shriek, covering my mouth as hard as I could, hoping to whoever was out there that they’d spare me from Cackletta’s view.

“Hm!? Did you hear that, Fawful?” Cackletta hissed, turning around towards us. Toadette clutched at my arm, either scared or angry with me.

“Yes… Speaking of the fink-rat…” Fawful growled, edging closer. “Fawful believes there is something behind the curtains!”

Toadette and I quietly shuffled over against the wall, hoping that maybe they would only open the center curtains, that maybe we could avoid this if we played our cards right!

“Show yourselves, fools!” Cackletta yelled, lightning and fire devouring the curtains in one quick movement, revealing both of us to their angry glare.

“U-um! Hello!” Toadette started, keeping her mask firmly in place, trying her best to give a snuffly voice. “Sorry, Gramma! Got caught playing Hide-and-Seek with Booster, and-”

“You’d do well to shut up!” Cackletta hissed, her spine stretching towards us. “You must take me for an idiot? I know what those loathsome Snifits look like, and you **AREN’T. THEM**.”

Her claws snatched both of us up, holding us upside down by the robes. Our bodies tumbled out, and I felt my own reality catching up to me.

Oh no. I’m Luigi, aren’t I? Oh no… That was the worst person I could have been! Oh…

Cackletta eyed both of us over, but for whatever reason, didn’t destroy us in an instant. Instead, she simply smirked. I think I would have rather she killed us. “Well, well, well! Lookie here at what we’ve found!”

Toadette quickly gathered herself up and jumped in front of my cowering body, her tiny hands curled into fists. I couldn’t even find the strength to stand up myself! How did she manage to stand up to Cackletta?

“Two fink-rats, hm?” Fawful laughed, a similar one to Cackletta’s but higher pitched. “Fawful had the supposing that there were intruders! And it seemed to be smelly pig intruders, too!”

Cackletta cackled, rubbing her hands together. “Oho, cops too? Come to spy on me? And here I thought little ol’ Peach was afraid of me!”

“I’m not a cop anymore!” Toadette said angrily, trying her best to show no fear, but failing. “But you’re right! Luigi and I are here to see what you’re up to!”

What! Why did she say my name?! Don’t bring me into this!

The witch’s attention was swiftly brought to mine, her face floating before me with that same smug sneer. “Eeeyah ha ha ha! Luigi is it? The great brother to Mario? You? This scared little worm?!”

I couldn’t say anything. I never could say anything! I never could do anything.

Toadette growled, grabbing their attention back towards herself. “Enough! Tell me what happened two weeks ago! In your turf battle with Smithy! Tell me what you did! Tell me right now!”

“Ohhhh, feisty little thing, aren’t you?” Cackletta chuckled. “Barge into _my_ home and into _my_ room and then demand _I_ tell _you_ what happened with some gang leader?”

“Shut up!” Toadette yelled. “Which one of you killed a Toad that day?! Hurry up and tell me!”

She slithered around us, her body melting into shadows, dancing with shadows and darkness so easily. “My my my, so angry! So assuming! You think I would waste my time with some Toad? You think I would care about killing some annoying crows in someone _else’s_ garden? That Toad wasn’t in my territory, little girl! That Toad was sticking his nose in _Smithy’s_ business, not mine!”

Fawful stepped in, his glasses gleaming. “And the only thing that rotten Smithy has a care about is his business! Anyone that has the courage to get in his way of his business…”

“Disappears!” Cackletta howled, her body vanishing into the shadows before reappearing behind us with a laugh. “People say _I’m_ bad! Eeeyah ha ha ha! Have you been to Smithy’s part of the city? Oh, you heard me right, _part of the city!_ He doesn’t just own a block, like that fool Bowser, or a simple tower like I do! He owns a whole part of the city!”

Toadette was trying her best to stay strong, to not be frazzled by the nightmare before her. “I, I know that!”

Cackletta lived up to her name, laughing and laughing, her fangs growing, her body still twisting and turning. “Is that why you came to me first, little worms? Did you fear Smithy’s domain too much? Were you hoping the loner here would have all your answers? It would make things awfully easy for you wouldn’t it! Awfully easy if it were me!”

“Shut _up_!” Toadette cried, but her voice betrayed her, cracking slightly.

“Oh, I have to laugh!” And she did. So much. Her laughter echoed in my skull, painfully. “Well, I’m not sorry to admit, little girl, that I had nothing to do with that Toad! I’m surprised your brother didn’t tell you the same, mustache!”

Her dark eyes fell back on me, and I won’t lie, I cowered. But she mentioned my brother. Mario. She did see him! She saw him when the others didn’t! She saw him and thought he spoke to us? What did she know?

“What’s that?” Cackletta put a hand to her ear, razor sharp teeth splayed in an impish grin. “Oh, your brother, hm? Looking for him, are you? Yes, that’s right! That sweaty plumber was here, and he did talk to me! I told him exactly what I told you! Last I saw he was headed straight into Smithy’s territory! And you know, people who go there don’t often come back.”

So. There was still a chance. I could still find him! Maybe he was being held there…

“Oh, yes, you two pests should _absolutely_ go looking for him there!” she laughed. “That’ll keep you out of my garden, forever! Eeeyah ha ha ha! _He_ won’t play as nice as me!”

Toadette wasn’t as keen to accept her information as I was. She took a step forward to the boiling demon, refusing to recoil at her hideous form. “Why should we believe you? How do I know you did nothing to my brother?”

Eyebrows raised, it seemed Cackletta only grew more amused. “Oh, that Toad was your brother, hm? How ironic! How tragic!” She twisted her spine, bones snapping and breaking as she flipped upside down before us. “Two losers brought together by their missing brothers!” Her smile flashed into scowl. “What a cliché tale, what **utter tripe**! What _nonsense_!”

“I’m… not afraid of you!” Toadette huffed, her arms shaking. “Answer my question!”

The room darkened, the shadows began clawing at our own, ripping into ours, tearing us apart. “I have a question for you, little girl,” Cackletta hissed, her eyes burning red holes into black. “Why shouldn’t I kill you both right now? No one even knows you’re here.”

Toadette gulped. She had no response. Neither did I. I wish I could have said something.

“What’s the matter? Thought you were brave? Thought you were the big hero?” Cackletta said through a sneer, her disembodied head floating in dark. “I’ll answer that question for you, since you idiots haven’t got a clue. Killing you two would only bring me more trouble. It would bring more worms in my garden to exterminate, wondering what happened to the other worms! And in your futile struggle to search for your disgusting friends, you eat **MY** soil, you eat **MY** seeds.” Her mouth opened wide, wider, wider still, impossibly wide, until there was nothing left but dark. “So, do you see? I don’t expect you to, blind worms that you are. It’s simply too much trouble to kill your brothers.”

The darkness slowly faded away, returning us back into the tiled room. Cackletta still loomed, her back hunched, but at least now, she seemed like a living creature. Neither of us could make so much as a peep.

“Fawful,” Cackletta said. “Tell the worms what happened that day. With the Toad. Make it quick.”

The short Bean man hopped up, extremely aware to be as obedient as possible right now. “Yes, of course! Fawful was sent to be retrieving one of Smithy’s creations! What purpose is none of you fink-rats’ concern! But, as Fawful was dutifully snatching up one of the soulless husks, some other machines had becoming aware of Fawful’s presence!”

He had a flare for theatrics. He acted out every word, every sentence, ducking and weaving and twirling dramatically, his cloak flowing in a way that said, ‘ _Have a notice for my cloak!_ ’

“Fawful is not powerful as the Great Cackletta, of course! But Fawful has power, still, yes? Fawful fought back with the ugly horrible machines of mindlessness! However, Fawful only needed one! With machine in Fawful’s hands, Fawful fled! Only because Fawful was ordered! Fawful could have done much slaying! But, on the way of Fawful’s heroic escape, Fawful flew over a curious Toad! Fawful had no time for such trifling… trifles! So, Fawful left! Smithy’s terrible machines, in their most nasty fury, must have done that lowly Toad in!”

He bowed gracefully, ending his story.

“There,” Cackletta hissed, eyes narrowed. “Good enough for you?”

“No,” Toadette said angrily, and lightning crackled in Cackletta’s palms. “But, that’s all I’m going to get here.” She pushed her luck. “We’re also looking for Daisy’s crown. You wouldn’t happen to know anything about that, would you?”

“Pah!” Cackletta spat the word, insulted. “A crown? Why would I care about such a worthless item? The only one who would even be remotely interested would be that greedy Smithy. You’d do well not to waste my time with such mundane questions, girl!”

“Fine,” Toadette said. “We’re done here.”

“Again, such an act!” Cackletta shook with rage. “You are a fearful little girl! Don’t pretend to be anything less! At least your friend here is honest.” She grinned my way. “Now, _I_ will decide when we are done! And we are!!! So long, pests!”

Cackletta opened her cloak, her arms stretching out again. Except this time the shadows beneath her pulsated towards us. I screamed and latched onto Toadette as the floor beneath us collapsed and the void devoured us into an endless fall.

“Farewell, fink-rats!” Fawful called out from above, already sounding so far away. The last thing we heard, besides my own screaming, was the laugher of mad Beans.

Toadette might have put on a brave face, but I felt her clutching me back, her shrieking voice so tiny compared to mine. It was only darkness now. Darkness and falling. I wish I could have said I at least felt the wind as we fell, but I felt nothing! Nothing but the sensation of falling, like my mind had tried to create gravity where there was none. I don’t know how long we stayed in there. It was too long.

And then just like a nightmare, our bodies plopped down onto the tiled floor. The darkness nothing but a hazy memory.

“Hey! Hey, what the heck!” a sniffy voice called out. “Who are you guys? What are you doing falling through the ceiling without making any holes? That’s weird!”

Number 1, my good friend! I was so happy to see him after dealing with such an ordeal.

“What the?” Number 1 groaned. “Who are you and why do you sound familiar? Get out of here, you buncha weird no-hole-ceiling-fallers! And stop hugging and crying on me!”

Aw, no! That’s right. I was still Luigi. Drat. Who knew living a lie could cause any issues? Also, Number 1 was shoving us effectively out the front door of Cackletta’s Tower. Looks like we had been transported all the way back to the bottom. Not that I was complaining. I never wanted to come back here again!

“And don’t come back unless you a _t least_ make a hole in the roof when you fall through it!” Number 1 slammed the door behind us, locking it up tight.

Ah, after so long inside that dreadful place, the pitter-patter of rain was a welcome sound. The city didn’t seem nearly as bad anymore.

Toadette moaned out in pain, still dizzy from our fall. She brushed herself off and shook her head, slapping me with her pigtails on accident.

“That was terrible.”

It was. I couldn’t say I was feeling any more confident than before, either.

“But I don’t know what else we could have done,” Toadette admitted with a sigh. “I feel like we haven’t learned a thing, Luigi. I don’t know.”

What else were we supposed to do? What else _could_ we do?

“There’s nothing left _to_ do now,” Toadette said, looking out into the slick streets. “Except go to Smithy’s.”


	6. You'll Keep Going

The clouds were armed. Rain pelted the car like liquid silver, clashing against the window with the force of a thousand swords. It was always rainy in New Donk City, but here? The skies were angry. The heavens themselves forged watery bullets and shot them down upon any foolish enough to tread on their ground. Gutters overflowed, gushing out onto the streets. The stars were nowhere to be seen.

“Stop being so dramatic, will you?” Toadette growled, keeping her eyes firmly glued on the road. “Yeah, it’s a little slippery! We’ll be fine, okay? I’ve won my fair share of races, you know!” Tires screeched against the pavement, begging for firm ground, anything to keep them still. Toadette responded with her hands, gripping the steering wheel with a determination I would never know.

It wasn’t that she was a bad driver! She was amazing! But she was nothing like Goombella. Goombella obeyed every rule, stopped at every sign, kept strictly to the speed limit. She _had_ to. Toadette, however… She was a Toad. And she knew it.

“You know, at first, I felt bad driving like this with Goombella.” Toadette zipped through the streets, puddles parting like oceans at her wheels. “She’d never be allowed to do any of this! But I knew she could. I knew Goombella _could_ , and I knew she _wanted_ to.”

This was all well and nice backstory, but I was feeling particularly cramped in Toadette’s kart, my knees up against my nose, and my neck against the roof. It didn’t help the way she boosted through the streets, knocking me against the door.

“But it wasn’t fair to her,” Toadette went on, just narrowly avoiding what appeared to be a banana peel on the road. Litter was quite the problem in New Donk. “So, I started following the rules a little better. I started stopping at stop lights, I didn’t drift, I slowed down just like anyone else.” Toadette casually loaded a mushroom into a contraption in the dash of her kart, ignoring my shrieking as we shot out into the air.

“And you know what she said to me?” Toadette asked, as if my screaming was an acceptable answer. “She said, ‘Why aren’t you driving like you used to? I have to follow the rules enough as it is, y’know?! You actually get away with stuff! Why are you being so lame, just because I’m around?’” Toadette slammed her foot down against the petal, and the metal clanged like the clash of spears. It was a little unnecessary.

“So I floored it! Whenever I could find an empty lot or empty streets like these out here!” Toadette said with a grin. “And she was so happy. Maybe things weren’t fair for her! Maybe it wasn’t fair I was able to do these things, and she couldn’t! But at the very least, I could make her happy… you know?”

I could tell Goombella’s speech patterns had rubbed off on her. I also wasn’t sure what sprung her to start talking about this. Seemed she just had a fondness for her old partner. As great as friendship was, it also spoke volumes about the NDPD. Bad volumes. Volumes that’d probably be tucked away in someone’s basement, only brought out to friends to say, ‘Look at how ridiculous this thing is!’

Perhaps it’d be better to tell me about Smithy?

Toadette groaned. “Ugh, Smithy. That guy is one of the original trouble makers with Bowser. He’s head of the Smithy Gang.” She swerved through the lifeless streets, boosting past abandoned buildings. “Very unoriginal name, but you’ll see that he’s just _terrible_ at naming things in general.”

For once, Toadette slowed to a reasonable speed. She pointed out through the windshield, beyond the closed down structures and out into the dark heavens. Something tall stared back. It wasn’t like Cackletta’s Tower either. This thing was alive. An enormous sword gleamed dangerously in the distance, its eyes glaring over the city. Watching.

“That’s Exor. Do you seriously not know this stuff?” Toadette raised an eyebrow, or at least made the motion to do so, considering Toads don’t have eyebrows.

I shook my head, ashamed.

“Geez. All right, well that giant sword out there is basically the symbol of Smithy, the center of his operations. One day, years ago, he sort of just…” Toadette looked out into the storm. “Fell out of the sky. Sword and all. Went straight into some X-gang’s factory, like, BAM!”

She smashed her fist into the dashboard for effect, frightening me. “Stabbed the place! They say it wasn’t a violent or hostile takeover, that Smithy had all the proper paperwork and he bought out that factory fair and square! But everyone knows there was more to it than that.”

Hmm. Who was ‘they’ and ‘everyone?’ Certainly was a lot of them. They’re always saying different things, too.

“Huh?” Toadette blinked. “Um. Probably Goombella. She’s got like… Books of this stuff. Apparently, the X-whatevers used to be a pretty big gang. She’d know who they were.” Toadette sighed, probably used to having Goombella fill in the gaps of her lack of knowledge.

Ah. So ‘they’ tended to be Goombella. Got it. This made sense. Everyone knew Goombella, and she knew everyone.

“Anyways,” Toadette continued, driving along the flooded streets at a more careful speed as the sword seemed to grow. It was staring at us. “Word on the streets is that if you can see Exor? You’ll go out of business. Maybe not right away. But you will. Smithy’s influence has been spreading slowly but surely, devouring any business in his path for his own use. When he wants something, he gets it. Legally, of course. As legal as a bully can be.”

What would he need all these buildings for?

She frowned. “Weapons. Just weapons. And more weapons. Smithy has a one-track mind. He spends all his time in his factory making _everything._ Weapons, armor, vehicles, even _life_. If you can call it that. You saw that thing in Cackletta’s Tower didn’t you? That Shy Guy thing?”

How could I forget? The robot that had appeared so lifelike, so real, until you noticed the wires ripped out of it like guts. Until you noticed the repetition of its words, or the glitches in its sound box.

“Yeah. There’s tons of those. Just. Tons. Smithy pretty much makes them and lets them loose into the city to do whatever they want. Luckily, they don’t stray too far from him. They mostly just live with each other, and well… them being weapons, they tend to control their own population, if you know what I mean. But, still, his part of the city’s only getting bigger.”

Toadette didn’t elaborate. Her eyes were focused on the road, on the skies, and on Exor.

“When Smithy first showed up, him and Bowser were huge enemies,” Toadette went on, driving carefully around a strange oil slick in the road. The buildings slowly transitioned from brick and cement to metal and rust. “Smithy doesn’t care much for anything or anyone, and Bowser doesn’t like it when the spotlight is taken off him. There were a lot of fights. But they eventually came to an agreement, thankfully. And honestly…?”

Toadette shook her head, surprised with herself. “I’m glad Bowser was here, you know? He held off Smithy’s advances, he came up with the deal to slow down Smithy’s work. I don’t know what New Donk would look like without him.” She glared at me quickly, as if I had accused her of anything! “Don’t get me wrong! I still hate Bowser and what he does! But…. there’s no denying we needed his help.”

But that X-gang Toadette talked about before. That sounded familiar. It must have been years ago! I know Mario talked about them before. The X-Nuts?

Toadette’s eyes brightened. “The X-Nauts! That’s who they were! I wasn’t on the force back then, but yeah! Those guys used to cause trouble with Bowser way back when. They were all about technology and junk, too! That must be why Smithy ‘bought’ them out.”

The way she said it sounded more like a death sentence than a trade deal. But she shrugged it off.

“As far as I know, the X-Nauts aren’t wiped out, they just went somewhere else with all the money and weapons he gave them. No idea what those guys must be up to now.” She looked up into the sky briefly, the moon winking into existence above the clouds for just a moment. “You know, Smithy might have even helped them get out? Guy like that could make a rocket, I bet.”

Toadette’s lengthy exposition soon exploded into a rather abrupt end. Literally.

“What the heck!?” Toadette screeched with her tires. She attempted to swerve out of the golden obstacle’s way, but to our surprise, this gleaming thing moved with us! It was determined to crash!

I wish just once, just once in my miserable life, I could have been a bit more stoic. After everything I’ve been through tonight! From giant monsters over lava pits, to demonic old witches tossing me into some void of eternal torment, you’d think something like a car explosion wouldn’t phase me! I should be better than that by now, shouldn’t I?

But of course I wasn’t. I screamed and cried as our bodies shot out of the smoldering vehicle, covered in soot and tiny flames.

Luckily Toadette’s head was a natural airbag. She bounced before landing on her stomach in a puddle next to me, stunned and understandably upset. “My kart!!”

I scrambled up to my feet, at least pretending I could be helpful in the slightest. Were we under attack? Had Smithy caught wind of us and decided to end us?  I took what I could only assume was a menacing karate stance, (I watch all of Jinx’s and The Master’s Yoga Videos!) straining my eyes through the flames and rain to see our attacker.

“Hoho, sorry about that old chaps!” a stuffy voice called through the scratch of melting metal. “Was out for my nightly constitutional and seem to have stumbled upon your quaint vehicle!”

The golden sphere appeared before us again from the flames. Under the fire’s light, it was easier to see him. A Bob-omb! A gold one! Although, hmm… getting a better look at this fellow, his golden sheen appeared to be quite dull. The fancy hat atop his head looked like it had seen better days. Much better days. Rips, tears, explosion marks littered its once pristine make, much like its owner.

Eyes wide, Toadette leaped to her dead kart’s side, trying her best to keep her cool, but failing. “What! What, what!! What are you doing out here? Who are you!?” Her mind must have been running as fast as her kart as she finally just sputtered out a frantic, “ _Why?!_ ”

The Bob-omb let out another hearty chuckle, the kind that rich people do when they sip on a delicious tea or apparently blow up a car. “Oh, my dear, it’s nothing to worry about! I promise you, I can pay off such trifling damages! I am Goldbob, of Goldbobbington’s!” His mustache was wrinkled and uneven, with the left side singed almost completely off.

Bad mustache hygiene is _always_ a bad sign.

“Look before you, my lads! Don’t you recognize my business?” he asked, desperately jolly. When I pried my eyes away from the accident, they immediately fell onto a huge decayed building.

Like its owner, its bricks were coated in gold! And like its owner, it had seen better days. Paint peeled, wood rotted, and rain pooled in stagnant puddles over the awning, looking like a boil ready to burst into tears. The windows were boarded up, the lights were off. Nobody was home. The sign read **Golbobbington’s**.

“No, no, my good chap, that’s Gol **d** bobbington’s! Hoho, the **d** seems to have fallen off! Quite an unsightly mess, that is, but I assure you, I will be having it fixed with the utmost of haste as well!” His voice cracked, like the walls of his business. “Then, Sylvia will realize what a horrible mistake she made! Hoho! She’ll be back, and I’ll take my boy, Bub, on one of those train rides he loves so much! Hohoho!”

Toadette’s anger softened. The flames of her wreckage slowly fizzled out under the pouring rain. “Oh my gosh… Mr. Bob, I’m so sorry. Was this Smithy?”

Something must have clicked in her head that didn’t click in mine. Why wasn’t she angry at this man for jumping in front of her car anymore? Why did my gut feel like I swallowed a gold bar?

“Hohoho!” Goldbob laughed, rain positively drenching him, his windup-key rusted to his back and barely able to turn anymore. “Why, Smithy merely offered me a deal I simply couldn’t refuse, the old rapscallion! It’s a shark’s world out there, chaps! And I am still a shark!”

He wailed, “The Goldbobs have never made a bad monetary decision! Hoho! Why, it was obvious I should work with him! Why wouldn’t I? No one has ever refused him! Hoho.” His voice strained. “Besides. No one wanted to do business here with that ghastly sword. Staring _. Always staring_. Judged me more than my ex-wife! Hoho!” He attempted to wiggle his ratty hat at the joke, but it just made me sad.

Toadette moved forward, rustling through her coin purse. “I’m sorry,” she said again. “This is all I have on me right now. I’ll make a couple of calls and we can get you off the street and-”

He spat at her hands, tossing the coins all over the empty street with a _ding-ding-ding!_ “W-what in the world is this? You insult me, madam! I will not take such a paltry investment! Goldbobbington’s is a million-coin industry, you hear me?! And how dare you imply I am not well within my rights to be in front of _my_ property!”

“No, sir, but-”

“I should be making the call to have _you_ taken away!” he shouted, his rage much more real than his joy ever was. “Out of my sight, foul peasants! I don’t need your pity!”

Toadette sighed, defeated. Seemed to be something she was used to, as if she had seen this type of situation all too often. “Yes, sir. We’ll get out of your hair. Come on, Luigi.” She turned, leaving the coins scattered before him. Did she not want them back?

“Yes, yes, keep moving peasants! Goldbobbington’s is not open to you!” As we walked with our backs turned to him, I distinctly heard the tiny _plinks_ of coins being picked up and put away. “And, I will not forget about this kart accident! I shall have it taken care of, rest assured! I just… I need time. I need more time. I can do this. I can…” His whispering voice was washed away with the rain.

Toadette frowned, pressing a palm against her face. “If we survive this, I’ll call someone up and deal with him before he gets into more trouble. He’s a nasty man, but he doesn’t deserve this.”

I should have given him some of my coins, too shouldn’t I? I wasn’t thinking. And what about Toadette’s kart?

“Don’t worry about it,” she replied, trying to keep herself steady. “I’ll be fine. My brother was a famous explorer, you know? Almost as famous as Kolorado. They even explored together a few times. I’ll be okay. It’s Goldbob I’m worried about.”

Fair enough. The less to worry about, the better.

Hm. The three gang leaders in this city were all so frightening. Cackletta takes peoples’ lives away, (allegedly) but Smithy takes everything _except_ their lives away. A life could be better used for work. Bowser was a strange mix of the two. He was both and he was neither.  

Still. This didn’t tell me anything I needed or wanted to know. As we walked through the miserable storm of rain, completely defenseless, completely unprepared, I couldn’t help but think to myself what it was all for again. Exor stared ever more. It did not look angry, merely amused, as if watching the story of ants unfold.

… Oh! I just remembered. We sort of left a burning kart out in the middle of the road. Was… was that okay?

Toadette turned to me, shocked. “Huh? Is, uh, is that something we really need to worry about right now?” If she wasn’t drenched in rain, I would have sworn she was sweating. “The streets are practically unused out here, and I’m sure giving Goldbob something constructive to do is for the best. Plus, it’d be pretty dull if we dealt with that kind of thing right now, wouldn’t it?”

Her eyes burned holes into mine, demanding I drop it. Again, I am not one to refuse an order! Consider it forgotten.

The roads ahead were damp and miserable. I’ve walked through the rain before, but not like this. The wind howled with power, and the water soaked through my overalls and into my bones. At the very least, I reckoned this must be what a Blooper felt like. No wonder they’re so grumpy.

Toadette kept to herself. Her eyes roamed through the rusty streets, but they didn’t see much. Didn’t seem like she wanted to really see. Despite the storm, despite the heavenly rage of lightning and thunder, the silence seeped under my skull.

Nobody was here. The weight of all that nothing, of all that nobody, pressed down on me like a sledgehammer.

Signs of construction appeared, old metallic plates drilled into the musty bricks. Seemed metal was the only resource Smithy and his gang liked using. It was plastered everywhere. Even the streets slowly turned to rusty metal plates. Maybe it was good we weren’t driving here. I had a difficult time keeping my footing on the sleek metal ground.

This place… it was otherworldly. Were we truly still in New Donk City? Even the skies roiled with an unnatural blue that didn’t make sense. Little Beanbean Town felt foreign, sure, but it at least felt like a place that belonged in our world!

Here though… _I_ felt wrong. My own heart pounding in my chest wasn’t right. Not here. It wasn’t normal. Blood and guts and organs, these things did not make sense in Smithy’s territory. There was no place for little squishy bags of flesh like me. Exor’s eyes followed, growing ever more threatening as we moved closer.

Something bounced in the distance. A noise. A sign of life! Or some kind of life at least. I strained my eyeballs against the assault of rain, and in the distance, I could see them. The lights tied around their heads made it all the easier to make them out, even in this foggy downpour.

Toads?!

Toadette stopped in her tracks, frozen. Why? Sure, it was strange to see Toads here, but they were familiar faces! Safe faces! I scrambled over to them, hoping that maybe, just maybe, things could be easier here. Maybe they’d know where Mario went!

“Luigi, wait!” Toadette whimpered, barely heard over the clashing of rain against metal.

The Toads stared quietly as I approached, eyes following my every movement. Exor mimicked their gaze. My legs slowed to a crawl. They were speckled with gray rather than usual rainbow of color, but at least they wore the usual red vests. So very _red_ against the grey. Maybe they were just old? I saw some strange black marks at the back of their heads, like, maybe mold of some kind? They were fungus people after all.

“What business do you have…” The Toad’s voice rasped, his body practically gasping for air at the final word. “Here?”

I let them know I was looking for my brother, Mario! And… Oh, I guess a crown, too. That part usually slipped my mind. It wasn’t really very important in the long run, was it? But I suppose it did help me get out of the house…

“Stop… talking!” the Toad gasped, glaring spears my way. “We don’t know of any… Mario. A crown…however. Yes. That metal we have seen. Delivered to Smithy…Very well delivered if I do say so myself…” A strange wave of smugness contorted over the Toad’s face.

Huh? They knew about the crown, but these guys didn’t know Mario? The famous detective? Sometimes so good at solving crimes, they called him super? Not to mention he could stand toe to toe with a giant monstrous turtle?? He’s impossible to _not_ know!

Rain splashed down against their mushroom heads, running down their eyes and cheeks, but they didn’t notice. “Enough. It is dangerous for…” he struggled with the word again. “People. Such as you two. It is best you return to our fellow…. Toads. Where it is safe. Warm.”

I felt Toadette’s pigtails next to me. She must have showed up, but she didn’t say a word. She just stared. And stared. And stared. Honestly, she stared more than Exor, more than these Toads, and she was almost creepier than them? Almost.

The grey Toads, while unbothered by the rain, still appeared to be bothered by _something_. Their bodies were always moving. Just some part of them seemed to twitch here and there. A leg. An arm. They couldn’t keep still. One even paced back and forth, but kept his eyes firmly planted on me. They both had cute little matching backpacks even! Probably rations and supplies to keep watch here. Although… they didn’t look very heavy.

Well then. If they didn’t know anything, then that was a shame, but we would have to be going through anyway. Even if it was dangerous! I appreciated their concern for our safety. It was nice to think that something _other_ than Exor was watching our backs.

“Yes, you may go…” the Toad rasped, eyes and bodies following us as we scrolled by. They were very good at their jobs! I couldn’t even tell if they were breathing! “We will be… watching.”

I thanked them for their wonderful service as guards, calling along a pale Toadette to follow me. Even as we gained a few blocks away from those Toads, I could swear they were still staring at us. How thoughtful! But, for some reason, Toadette didn’t appear well. Had she caught a cold? Was she okay?

“Luigi…” Toadette whimpered out, staring at the rusted metal beneath us. “That… those…” The words hung at her lips, choking her.

Toads are always good! Why would she be so afraid of them? Even compared to Cackletta’s tower, I had never seen her so scared. She wringed her hands together, as if she was trying to wash them. Sharp tiny breaths left her. She heaved. She gasped. She appeared to be drowning in it all.

“That was my brother.”


	7. Until You Can't Go Anymore

Grief and fear are horrible emotions. They cause harm to everyone around that person, and they hurt that person _a lot_. I consider myself to be a master coward, a fearful little man with zero redeeming qualities and a spine about as strong as a Cheep Cheep’s ability to get up on land and walk on two legs…

But when someone _else_ feels all that grief, all that fear… it’s strange. I guess something takes over a person. Even a person as weak and pathetic as me can learn to suck it up and maybe show some compassion? Maybe even do something that could be considered bravery? If you looked for the definition of bravery at the bottom of a musty old gorilla barrel. Maybe I could have been considered brave, for just a moment.

But is it really so brave to try and comfort a crying girl during the worst time in her life? Really, I was just doing what anyone would do. What anyone _should_ have done. I wasn’t brave. I was just doing the bare minimum as usual.

That’s why when I saw the Starbeans Café, even in the middle of this awful metal city, I knew we needed to rest. I needed to listen to Toadette, allow her to sort out her thoughts, maybe even get a drink? Although… that didn’t seem likely.

The café was covered in sheets of shiny metal, and the letters were rusting off and slowly being replaced with ‘ _Smith_ ’ instead of ‘ _Star’_ , but it seemed the constructors couldn’t agree on a proper way to do it. It instead read _Starmsthean_ Café over the shop. The usual smiling face of Professor E. Gadd was replaced by a scowling bearded… thing. Man? God? I wasn’t sure.

I pulled her in gently through the double doors, past a few hammers with legs. Out here, it wasn’t lifeless anymore. Well. It was still lifeless, but this place absolutely teemed with ‘life’ if you know what I mean? ‘People’ and ‘creatures’ waltzed around the café, sipping at their dark oily beverages. They stared at us. Just like Exor, just like those Toads. I tried my best to ignore them.

Toadette needed me for once, so I’d have to at least pretend I’m brave for her. I scooched myself between a group of colorful characters, gossiping about something or other. They all had their drinks, except for a yellow one who had two, and a big shiny sandwich at his plate.

“Did you all perchance perceive the spectacular failure on the King Koopa station this evening?” a thin green man said. Sounded like he just used a thesaurus for every word to seem smarter.

“Eh? You mean Bowser’s channel?” a cool metal guy painted in black said, his shades gleaming somehow in the dim light. “Man, that channel’s for nerds.”

“Oh, shut up, Black, you are _so_ lame,” a girly voice replied. She was the pink one if that wasn’t obvious. I was starting to notice a rather cliché trend. “Red, I bet _you_ saw it. That copycat Koopa was totally humiliated on live TV. Ha!”

“Shut up, all of you!” the angry red ‘man’ shouted, waving his axe around. “Yeah, yeah, I saw it. Serves the idiot right. _I’m_ the original Red after all.”

“Well, actually…” Green replied smugly, “You are an updated version of a previous model that was discarded. Red MK. III would be a more technically accurate name to your person.”

“Shut up, will ya!?”

As I scooched through with a distraught Toadette in my hand, I noticed each and every one of these fellows’ heads turn to follow us as we moved. Even as they continued to talk to each other, they watched us, their axes close at their side.

I didn’t know what else to do. Instead of taking Toadette to a safe place, I took her to a lion’s den. At least here it was dry, and at least here, we could sit. It wasn’t _all_ that bad. The patrons in the café continued to talk, continued to sip their pungent oils, it was just… they all stared at us while they did it. It was like half and half really creepy and invasive. Probably about as good as it was gonna get here.

“Yo, Red, isn’t that…”

“Hmph, thought you said you didn’t watch that channel?”

“Smithy’s Hammer, will you all clamp up? I have eyes installed, I can see who it is.”

“Should we communicate our status to _him_?”

“It’s my day off and he already knows. He’ll deal with it. Guy’s a huge suck up, anyway.”

“Food’s good.”

Red Sighed. “Yes, Yellow…”

I tried to shake off the 10 tons of dread at my shoulders, helping Toadette into what I could only imagine _used_ to be a comfy stool. If there was a cushion, it was replaced by a metal lookalike. Didn’t seem to matter to her at least. She put her head down on the cold counter in her arms, pigtails hanging limply down at her sides.

A Shy Guy hopped over to us from the other side of a counter, his pogo stick looking sharp. Like I’ve always said, Shy Guys are great and trustworthy friends! They’re close cousins to Snifits!

“Hey there meat bags, BOING!” the Shy Guy said happily, bouncing in place. “What can I get you two?”

Toadette didn’t even look up.

Guess it was up to me to do the talking. Not really my strength, but at least it was with a Shy Guy, so it wasn’t that bad! Um… even if he was probably a robot or something. I ordered us two regulars, whatever that was. I figured it was best we get _something_ and hopefully not anger the locals any more than we already have.

“You want any coolant or cleaning fluid in that, BOING?” he asked. I shrugged and nodded at the same time. “Sure thing, bud-OING-dy.” He hopped over to a noisy machine with gears, nuts, and bolts in a cannister. Steam hissed out of its pipes, and while he worked, his mask stared at us.

It was almost relaxing here. Once you got used to the staring and the exhaust fumes and the sharp weapons stuffed into every crevice, it wasn’t _that_ bad. It was just a different culture, that’s all. Okay, it was actually horrible, and I hated it, but Toadette needed me! She looked like she was getting ready to talk. I had to be there to listen.

And… um. Well, I guess everyone else was here to listen, too.

“I just… wasn’t ready to see him again,” she mumbled, letting out a deep shuddering sigh.

Those Toads… how could they be her brother? Did… did they recover his body? I didn’t like asking these questions. It felt like someone was cutting into my stomach. It felt almost familiar. But that wasn’t right. It wasn’t right.

“We, uh, we…” she sighed, her voice devoid of emotion anymore. She kept her head down. “I identified the body. Those things back there? They had the same mark from when… he… ugh.”

She didn’t need to say any more. The same mark from the attack that killed him- a black scorch. But … why would they copy that?

“They’re just machines,” Toadette said. “They probably didn’t know any better. They just saw some Toad and musta said ‘Oh, this will be a good Toad model!’ Stupid… stupid things!”

The voices hushed at her outburst. Uh. Um. Maybe she shouldn’t say that right here? Although, I mean, who am I to tell a crying girl to shush? That’d be really rude, wouldn’t it? I couldn’t do that.

“I don’t know if Smithy is responsible…” Toadette continued, her little hands curled into fists. “But it’s not right. It’s not right! I don’t care who I have to take in! Robot or not!”

The moment she said ‘take,’ every single voice went quiet again. And they stayed quiet. Maybe, uh… maybe we should leave?

“I just…” Toadette said, head still down. “I thought I could face anything. I didn’t care, you know? I was ready, I thought. I didn’t think there was anything that could really hurt me anymore. But that… that was the one thing. The _one_ thing I wanted to see again, but also…. never wanted to see ever again.”

She wasn’t paying attention. The cafe stayed deathly silent. I delicately pressed my hand against her shoulder, trying to alert her, quietly tell her to look up and leave.

“Thanks, Luigi,” she said with a sniffle, taking my hand in hers and squeezing it tight. That, um. That wasn’t what I meant. I did want to comfort her, but, maybe… somewhere else?

_Bounce, bounce!_ The Shy Guy (Shyster?) was back. Steaming cups of black bubbling tar oozed in his little hands. He placed them down before us. “Here you go, guys, BOING!” I felt my heart pounding like a jackhammer inside my ribs.

Toadette finally looked up, realizing where she was. “Oh,” she sniffled, wiping her tears away. At least she looked like she was feeling better. “How much do we owe you? Luigi, I gave the rest of my coins to Goldbob. Do you think you could cover this for me?”

“Oh, don’t worry, BOING!” Shyster said cheerily. “We’ll get what we’re owed, BOING! This is on the house.”

“Huh?” Toadette tilted her head. There was a flash of pink beside her. “What do you…” Then a spritzing sound, like a perfume bottle. Toadette’s head immediately fell back against the counter with a thud.

Um. This wasn’t just a sad/depressed thing anymore, was it? She was looking _really_ limp now.

“Ugh, Yellow? You gonna, like, get him or what?”

“Yeah, yeah, sorry, just finishing my sandwich. It’s our day off, gimme a break.”

I probably should have used this opportunity to maybe leave or fight back or do something, but me being me, I sort of just sat there and-

**_Whack!_ **

 

* * *

 

“Eee hee hee! Our disguise was perfect! Brilliant!”

“Oh, yes, _so_ perfect. You guys are the _best_ at disguises. No one is better than _you!_ ”

“…. Weird way to say it all things considered, but that’s fine.” The group returned to their all-important laughing. “Oh, oh, look! The girl one, she’s waking up! Eee hee hee!”

“Urgh… Wha… Cap-…” Toadette stopped herself. From the way she spoke, I could tell she became fully conscious in just a moment. “You guys,” she growled.

Argh! I should just continue to pretend being unconscious! But… But… That wouldn’t be very fair to Toadette, would it? Also, can I just say, it’s probably _really_ unhealthy to get knocked out like this? Especially twice in one night? If I survived this, I’d need to go get my head checked out by a doctor. This must have been how a Whacka feels.

I opened my eyes reluctantly.

Five toads stood before us in a dank and dirty room, but only two of them smiled. They were the same grey toads as before, the ones with the lights and backpacks. The ones that were apparently Toadette’s brother. The one in the middle stood forward, a smug smile across his face, clearly the leader of the bunch. Although, for some reason, a Toad on the far right was smiling as well.

The ‘Toad’ laughed. “We weren’t Toads at all!! I’m sure you were very fooled! We are Smithy’s top lieutenant! **Yaridovich**!”

Yari…do..vich? What kind of name was that?

The middle Toad frowned, but the one on the far right kept a kind of permanent grin. It was creepy. “It’s a good name in Japanese, okay?! It means Spear! Smithy (our boss, by the way) is a great creator and a great namer!”

Uhh…

“Bah.” He waved a hand at me, turning back to the dank cellar, his feet stepping on broken computer glass without a care. “His and our genius is wasted on simpletons like you.”

“Get to the point!” Toadette shouted, rocking in her chair angrily, arms struggling against the rope. Oh! We were tied up! I just noticed. “What do you want with us?”

The ‘Toad’ known as Yaridovich scowled, rushing up to Toadette’s face, his gray imitation glitching. “You know what we want! You know exactly what we want! We know what you’re up to! So why don’t you just make this quick and tell us who sent you!?”

Toadette flinched as her dead brother screamed. She closed her eyes tight and she kept them closed. I could understand that all too well. Wanting to hide. But it wasn’t long before she opened her eyes again, returning their spear-tipped glare with her own.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about. No one sent us.”

Yaridovich giggled again, the Toad copy on the right laughing with glee. “Oh! I figured this wouldn’t be easy. But we have ways of making you talk. Brutal, terrible ways. You had best tell us, or we’ll do something horrible to the ugly green man!”

Hey! Ow. That insult was already bad enough. I’m very sensitive!

“I’m telling you, I don’t know what you’re talking about!” Toadette screeched, sweat forming at her brow. “Don’t hurt Luigi!”

Yaridovich’s miner light shone in her eyes. “Eee hee hee! Oh, this will be much worse than hurting! Since you’re still playing dumb, I guess I have no choice! Boys! Show them how we make people talk around here…”

The grinning Toad from before stepped forward, cracking his fingers. “I got this, boss.” He stepped forward slowly, grin growing wider.

Stop! What was he doing? What was he going to do? I’d tell them anything! I just… I don’t know anything! I never knew anything!

He placed his hands delicately at my side. Extremely delicately. Like. _Too_ softly. Next, he whispered in my ear, “Coochie Coochie coo!” And began…. No! No, no, not that! Ahahahaha! No, please! He was tickling me! It felt like a million laughing feathers were pressing into my ribs! I hate laughing! At least right now! Ahaha! Oh, I’m in hell! Haha! I’ve lived a sedentary and selfish life, hahaha, and this is my punishment, ahahaha!

“Hey!” Toadette growled, a horrified look in her eye. “Stop it! Leave him alone! This is… this is really weird! I don’t like it!”

“You know how to make this stop,” Yaridovich shouted over my shrieks of laughter.

“Okay! Okay! I’ll talk!” Toadette cried. “Just! Stop tickling him! This is… so _weird_!”

The grinning Toad’s fingers finally stopped roaming over my sides, and I felt a wave of relief wash over me. I had not gone to the bathroom in a while, so, if there truly was a god, he/she must have had mercy on me in this moment.

Yaridovich grinned, but not as wide as the tickle ‘Toad’ did.

“That’s what I thought!” He scowled. “Now then, tell me why you’re here! And who sent you! We’ve gotten reports of little green men coming into our territory and stealing our troops. That was you two, wasn’t it?!”

Toadette tilted her head. “Huh? … Well I _guess_ I’m little, and he is green but… Is Smithy that worried?”

Yaridovich threw his hands into the air. “Of course not! Our boss doesn’t even know! But it’s my job to protect his troops! And! And! When I tell him there _was_ a problem and that I already fixed it?? Imagine the brownie points! I’ll get a promotion right on the spot!”

“Uh, well, I’m not sorry to say this, but it’s not us who’ve been taking your troops.”

He gritted his teeth and stamped his foot, cracks spiderwebbing out of the old rusty metal from the sheer force of it. “Don’t you lie to me, girl! We all heard you talking! You said, and I quote,” he cleared his voicebox, and suddenly an exact replica of Toadette’s voice came out of his mouth. “ _I don’t care who I have to take in! Robot or not!_ ”

She frowned. “…do I really sound like that.” Toadette shook her head. “Well! That was just a poor choice of words! We’re not the ones who have been kidnapping anyone!”

Yaridovich spit oil. “Convenient!”

“Honest!” Toadette pleaded. “It wasn’t us! It was Cackletta and Fawful! They’ve been causing trouble! They want to take Smithy’s troops for their own!”

The Toad’s arm twitched wildly, his legs moving back and forth in thought. “Cackletta? Fawful? I’ve never heard of them.”

“… You’re joking.” Toadette sighed. “Are you Smithy guys that sheltered? One of them’s a little green man with a big smile! Fits your exact description.”

“Hmm…” Yaridovich placed a hand on his chin, stroking it so hard the grey paint started coming off. “A little green man did show up, but he was only a _little_ smiley. And he had a tall friend. He gave our boss a rare metal, apparently. Wanted to make a deal for it. Thinking on it, I probably should have been a little more guarded, huh? But it _was_ metal and deals… Smithy loves both those things.”

“Uh…”

“Not to mention that guy didn’t kidnap anyone!” Yaridovich narrowed his eyes at Toadette. “You’re just a filthy little liar, aren’t you!? It was _you_ two who’ve been causing trouble!”

“No!” Toadette countered desperately. “It’s not us! It’s Cackletta and Fawful! I’m telling you guys!”

“I’ve had enough of this!” the ‘Toad’ shouted. “I went through the trouble of capturing you two, so it must be you! Smithy won’t care anyway! He’ll just be glad I solved a problem. And…” He smirked. “You both won’t be able to say otherwise if I bring your heads on a pike.”

“Aw, no, no, come on,” Toadette whined. The way she said it, it was more like a slight inconvenience to her. I personally really didn’t want my head on a pike if it could be helped? I liked my head on my body. But as much as we both struggled, we couldn’t break free of their machine-tied ropes.

“Eee hee hee!” the ‘Toad’ giggled, stepping back with the other three. They began to circle him slowly. “Yes, yes, this disguise was brilliant, but if I want to make a better impression for Smithy, I had better enter in the form he created me in! Come on, everyone! Group formation!”

The three clones began moving faster, faster, and faster until they were all nothing but a blur of grey and red. Something seemed wrong, but I couldn’t put my finger on it. The ‘Toads’ spun around like a tornado forming into something horrible and sharp.

Yaridovich’s true body _almost_ towered over us here. His spear-tipped face greeted us with a pointy smile. The spear in his hands gleamed with a dangerous edge. The guy was definitely spear-themed, if you couldn’t tell by now. His actual body was so thin, like a wire frame for an animatronic. Honestly, it was quite terrifying except, again…. something didn’t seem right.

“Get ready to be skewered!” Yaridovich screeched, attempting to take a step forward. Instead, he simply fell flat on his spear face. “Huh!? What?! What’s gone wrong? What…”

His legs were missing. The poor robot was just a torso with arms. He seemed to be as confused as we were.

But then, we noticed one of the cloned ‘Toads’ still standing by its lonesome to the side, still grinning.

“Hey! You!” Steam hissed out of his metallic body as he tried to crawl forward to us. “What are you doing! Get into group formation already, will you!?”

“Nah,” the grey Toad said casually, eyes glowing a ghostly red.

Yaridovich abandoned us as his killing target. His anger pointed at that red-eyed ‘Toad,’ who was just laughing like it was the funniest thing he’d ever seen.

“How? You’re my legs! How am I not obeying myself?”

“Oh MAN!” The ‘Toad’ wiped tears from his eyes. “You still don’t get it? Oh. This is SO good. This is why I hang around here! This right here!” He dashed over to the struggling Yaridovich, putting his arm around its shoulder. “Buddy, take a guess who I am. You’re some kinda hightech robot ain’tcha? You guys should have figured it out by now, right?”

Yaridovich swiped his spear pathetically at the Toad. In a flash, he was on the opposite side, literally rolling on his back with laughter.

“You’re the kidnapper aren’t you!?” Yaridovich cried, life in shambles.

“This is so rich!” the Toad said, gasping between laughs. “Now he thinks I’m the kidnapper!” He turned to us, those red eyes reading much too deeply into our souls. “Don’t you guys think this is hilarious?”

Toadette stayed silent, completely dumbfounded. I couldn’t say I was in any better shape to speak.

“Ah. Oh well. Thought you two would get me.” He shrugged, walking up to me casually. “Considering I’m technically saving your lives? Anyways, y’all mind if I…”

In an instant, his body melted away, and a pale white form shrieked into my face, (of course) causing me to shriek in return.

“Ahaha! Spooked ya!” the thing said. It wasn’t a Toad, and it wasn’t a robot, that was for sure.

He looked like a cheap Halloween costume. Like it was just a guy with a sheet over his body. Except there was no body. Just darkness. Darkness and red glowing orbs for eyes. Oh, and a cheap party hat. This guy was weird.

“A spirit! I should have known!” Yaridovich cried, still scraping his clunky body forward. “Wait till Smithy finds out I killed a spirit… wait till he finds out, wait till he finds out, wait till he finds out.”

The ghost frowned. “Ah. Went on his usual loop. Lemme take care of this for ya. Got all the comedy I could out of him looks like.” With a cheery whistle and a skip in his step, he lifted up the spear-bot over his head with ease. Yaridovich stabbed the ghost with all his might. It didn’t do anything. Neither parties seemed to mind.

With a spare ghostly ‘hand’, he opened up what appeared to be a very hot furnace. Flames leaped out, licking the air, hungry for anything at this point. He didn’t even think twice about it. The ghost tossed Yaridovich into the furnace like a bag of laundry.

“Wait till he finds out, wait till…. he… finds….. out….” Yaridovich kept repeating on and on as his chassis melted in the flame’s teeth, as it ripped his limbs into puddles of silver. And just like that. He was disposed of.

The ghost turned to us, the mouth-hole in his sheet opened wide in what could only be read as a wild grin. “Convenient, huh?! Good thing _everything_ happened _exactly_ like this, or else you two’d be in big trouble, huh?!”

“Who or… what are you?!” Toadette asked, taken aback by the sheer whiplash of events that we’ve gone through.

“Trade secret, baby!” the ghost guffawed, grabbing Yaridovich’s spear with a flourish. “If I told ya, I’d have to kill ya!” he giggled, stabbing downward and slicing Toadette’s ropes in one swift movement.

“Uh… Thanks. I guess.” Toadette hopped out of her chair, stretching her arms. She was handling all of this pretty well. Or she was doing a good job at shutting everything out.

“Oh, don’t thank me,” the ghost said happily, slicing off my ropes as well, the blade cutting awfully close to my wrists. “If I thought you two were going to bore me in the slightest, I’d toss you in the furnace with that guy.”

Why’d it have to be ghosts? Why couldn’t Prince Peasly come in and save me one of these days?

“Don’t look so disappointed, guy!” the spirit said with glee. “I have _so_ much more fun with the bots around here! Disguising as a robot who disguises as other people!!” He laughed. “It’s like, irony or something!”

“So you _are_ also a kidnapper of some sort too?” Toadette asked.

He waved his sheet at her. “Geez lady, didn’t ya hear what I said? I don’t take anyone away like that Fawful does. If I kill ‘em, I kill ‘em right in their home turf!” He smiled. “That’s the funnest way. No one notices when _I_ do it.”

“Technicality. Fine,” Toadette sighed. Wasn’t worth arguing with a trickster ghost who just saved our lives. “Also, you mentioned Fawful. Does that mean you know what’s been going on? Do you have any informati-”

“Lemme stop you right there, lady!” the ghost said with a playful grin. In a puff of dark smoke, his form was replaced with the same Captain Toad again, only this time it was in full color, and the mark on his head was gone. “You’re looking for what happened to this guy, I know.” Toadette was shocked into silence, and then he moved his red gaze onto me. “And you…”

In the blink of an eye, my brother stood before me. “Yah! Wah! Yahoo! Looking for-a-me?” Mario said, grinning from ear to ear.

M-Mario? Was that…

“Ahahaha!!” Mario laughed, pointing at me like this was the _second_ funniest thing he had seen all day. “Oh man, you seriously fell for it _that easily?!_ ” He sighed, catching his breath. “Mama-mia, you’re an idiot! Anyway, yeah, I know where your brother is. I know where _everything_ is, slick.”

I didn’t… I didn’t like seeing my brother laugh at me like this. I knew it wasn’t him. I knew it wasn’t. But it still hurt. Something deep within me broke, and I wasn’t sure if I’d ever be able to fix it.

“I’m not gonna spoil the surprise, though,” Mario said, his voice distorted and wrong. “But since you’re lookin’ at me like I just kicked a puppy, let me give you a little hint. Your brother’s here, slick.”

Huh!? Really? He’s really here?! Where?! How?!

Mario waved his finger at me. “Ah-ah-ah, now that wouldn’t be any fun if I just told you. Rest assured, though, he’s here! And if you keep looking, you’ll find him. Can’t wait till you do!” He smirked, and instead of glowing red eyes, they went black as coal. “I’ve been waiting quite a bit to see how this all plays out! Gotta say. Excited.”

“Is he at Smithy’s factory then?” Toadette asked breathlessly. “And does Smithy know what happened to my brother? Was he the one who killed…” The words died on her lips.

Mario was already sleeping on the floor, hand against his head. Cartoon ‘Z’s’ somehow floated out from his head. “Yeah, look, just find Smithy, okay? Trust me. You’re in his factory now, he shouldn’t be far. If you need directions, there’s this stupid computer nearby who is just _dying_ for attention.”

“Wait, just, tell us!” Toadette pleaded.

For some odd reason, this ‘Mario’ began pushing against a wall in a very exaggerated manner. He wasn’t actually pushing the wall over or anything, just sort of… acting it out?

“Nah, nah, don’t wanna. Anyway, I’ve been building speed for like 12 ghost hours, and I’m about to go pop into another P.U. and let me tell ya, you guys smell worse than it!” He laughed. “Get it? P.U. Like… Ah, forget it. I’m outta here. Don’t forget, though, I’ll be watching. Somewhere.”

“Yah-wah-hoohoohohohohhohhhhohohohohohoho!” His ‘voice’ kept on repeating the same ‘hoo hoo’ just in a sped-up fashion, and the next thing I knew, the guy’s teleporting all around us, moving at what I presumed to be light speed! The last thing I saw were flashes of red and blue as he melded into the walls, before finally going straight through them. There was the quietest of ‘hoo-hoo’s in the distance, but other than that? The ghost thing gone. Far away, hopefully.

Toadette turned to me, her shoulders stuck in a weird perplexed shrug. “What the heck just happened? What the heck has _been_ happening?”

I wish I could have answered that. I could only shrug in return. Were all cities like this? Was the whole world like this? I was right for staying at home all these years and never wanting to go out! The stories I heard from Mario… they were always like this! Who would want to be a part of a weird story like that? No one in their right mind, probably. Ah. Oh. I realized I just insulted myself and Toadette there.

“I guess… well, he said we’re in Smithy’s factory,” Toadette said, eyes roaming over the rusty old room. This place _felt_ like a basement. A place that Smithy and his troops didn’t go into much. It wasn’t quite like the rest of town.

There were traces of shiny chrome down here, or at least, it used to be shiny. Counter tops filled with broken glass and beakers lined the place. Strange creatures lay dead on the floor, shaped like X’s. They were robots too, but they didn’t look anything like Smithy’s. They were like something from the far future. Smithy must not have cared for that. He was very old-school, wasn’t he?

“This must be the old X-Naut fortress,” Toadette mused aloud. “The one Smithy took over. Which means Smithy must be close. That … ghost thing, he talked about a computer that could help us? Maybe we could search for it while we look around?”

I nodded. That was as fine a plan as any. It wasn’t like _I_ was going to lead us anywhere heroically. It was nice having someone with me. Going through Bowser’s Castle and the streets all by myself… it was terrifying. Well, this was too, obviously, but it wasn’t as bad.

We explored the halls to the best of our ability. Dust, rust, and dirty musk must have covered every inch of this place. The air here felt so old, felt lonely, as if it was happy someone was finally breathing it in. What a strange thought.

Most of the doors were meant to be automatic, a few even opening up before us just as we got near! But many of them appeared to be powered down or rusted shut, while others could only open halfway. This fortress must have been quite the marvel in its day! I’d never seen technology like this before.

Why wouldn’t Smithy use it? Stubbornness? Maybe he just assumed _his_ technology was better? Hm… By the forlorn look of things, maybe he was right.

Our aimless wandering took us to an old room. A huge screen reflected our pink and green images, even through all the dust. Toadette came upon a curious keyboard, and I could see the way her eyes sparkled. She was an explorer like her brother, wasn’t she? Unable to contain that curiosity, she slammed her hand down on the keyboard.

Why though.

She looked back at me, smiling sheepishly. “Sorry. I just, uh, got a strange urge to do that. Wanted to see if it’d do anything. Looks like it didn’t d-”

_Hello? Is someone there? Hello?_

The words lit up on the screen and lights flickered around it, many of them barely working. Most seemed fizzled out or glitched. The room yawned, attempting to bring itself awake, but failing for the most part. It needed some kind of like… computer coffee or something. Was that the correct technical term?

“Eep!” Toadette squeaked jumping back. “Is… Is this the computer thing that ghost told us about?”

_Hello? Is anyone there? I cannot hear you if you are there. I cannot see you if you are there. My sensors have malfunctioned. Please respond. Please._

“L-Luigi, go, um, go talk to it!” Toadette said shakily. “Computers aren’t exactly my thing.”

What? Why me? And they’re _my_ thing?!

“I didn’t say they were! Just! Go use the keyboard or something, geez!” Toadette grumbled. “I always do all the talking!”

I saw myself give off a worried frown on the reflection of the screen. I guess she was right. I should do something for her. I placed my fingers on the keyboard, recoiling at all the nasty dust. There were worse things than dust here, I’d just have to get over it. Taking a deep breath, I began typing.

* * *

 

…

…

…

**Hello. This is Luigi. Are you a computer?**

_Yes. I am known as TEC. The world’s most advanced computer. It is nice to meet you, Luigi._

**Hello, TEC. It’s nice to meet you, too? You seem a lot nicer than I thought you would be. What are you doing here? Doesn’t anyone use you?**

_… It has been a very long time. I was created by my master, Grodus, of the X-Nauts. I was created with the sole purpose of running this fortress, and to gather information across the globe and use it to serve him. But, at some point, my master was forced to flee to the stars. He did not see fit to take me with him._

_I do not know how long its been. I have kept myself in sleep mode. Hoping… Er. Error. Incorrect word choice. I have been waiting to be used, or for a system update, or for my usual repairs. However, it seems the new owner has no use for me._

**Smithy, right? That’s your new owner? Has he ever spoken to you? What do you know about him?**

_Very little, I’m afraid. He attempted to use me once when he took the fortress under his possession. That was also when my audio and visual interface did not malfunction. He did not seem impressed by me. I offered my services to him, I told him of my history in running and maintaining a factory, but he said he could do it better. I feel he was mistaken. I am the ultimate computer._

**Feel? Do you have feelings, TEC?**

_No. I do not. Or… I am not meant to. I should not have them. If I do, that is an error. More than likely due to my years of inactivity. I have felt… cold._

**I’m sorry. Is there anything I can do?**

* * *

 

“Luigi!! What are you doing?” Toadette shouted, reading over my shoulder. (Well, more like around my waist. Also, very rude by the way!!!) “We’ve got things to do!”

 

* * *

_This is acceptable, Luigi. A talk like this has made that coldness disappear somewhat. However, I cannot help but sense your motive in engaging with me is more than just a simple conversation, is it not?_

**Yes. I’m sorry.**

_It is all right. This is my purpose._

**I’m looking for my brother, Mario. And my friend, Toadette, she is looking for information on her brother’s killer. You wouldn’t happen to know anything about any of that, would you?**

_I am afraid not. My ties to the outside world have all been cut. I did used to know about a man named Mario. Did you mean Super Mario the Famous Detective?_

**Yes! That’s my brother! So you do know him??**

_I do. There are pages and pages of information about this man. I could tell you anything you would like to know._

**Where is he??? Right now??? Where is he right now??? Do you know??**

_…_

_…_

_…_

_I apologize. I cannot connect to the base anymore. I cannot connect to anything. There is only dark. I do not know of Mario’s recent activities. I could tell you about his deeds in the past? Would that be acceptable?_

**No. Sorry. Maybe some other time. Sorry. It was stupid of me to think you would know. You just explained it.**

_It is all right. Do not be sorry. It is my fault for not knowing. I am meant to be the world’s ultimate computer, and yet… I cannot do anything. It seems Smithy was correct. I am functionally useless._

**No! No! You’re not useless at all! I’m the useless one! It was my fault for demandgfwimaa**

* * *

 

“Hey, you two are gonna get stuck in a loop if you keep apologizing to each other!” Toadette groaned, spooking me and causing me to hit my hand against the keyboard.

 

* * *

_Are you all right, Luigi? Are you still there? You are not gone yet, are you?_

**Sorry. I’m here. My friend is very pushy. Don’t give me that look! It’s true!**

**… We are looking to find Smithy, then. Is there anything you could do to help us with that?**

_…_

_I still have access to the base’s elevators. I believe I could direct you to his main work area. If it is the same as it has been all these years. Which, I believe it is. I do not know much about Smithy other than he is very set in his ways._

**That would be very helpful, yes! Thank you, TEC!**

_You are welcome, Luigi. However… I will not be able to speak to you once you leave the terminal. I won’t be able to aid you anymore._

**Ah. Yeah. Sorry. I would have to leave. Is that okay?**

_…_

_…_

_…_

_Yes._

**Okey-dokey. Well, I’m going to g**

_No. No. No, it would not be okay. Please, do not go. I have had no one to talk to but a strange person who keeps teasing me. I am not meant to have feelings. I know I am malfunctioning, I know I am obsolete. But I don’t want to be left alone. It is so dark, Luigi. There is nothing._

**I’m so sorry, TEC, but I can’t stay here forever.**

_I know. But I have an idea. Please, do me one favor before you go. Would that be acceptable?_

**Okay. What do you need me to do?**

_Download me. Download my program. You probably will not be able to fit all my information, but you will be able to obtain me. There should be a few blank disks around. If you insert it into my interface, I will do the rest. Cut and paste myself into it. You could then take me with you._

**I don’t know. I’m not really that good with computers? I don’t think I’d know what to do with you or**

_That is okay! As long as I am gone. I do not mind. Anything will be better than this. Please. Do this for me. I have lit the way to Smithy’s workplace and have set the elevator to take you to the correct floor. Please, just take me away from here._

**Okay. I’ll try my best. Thank you, TEC.**

_Thank you, Luigi. Goodbye._

**Goodbye.**

* * *

“Man, you really are the kinda guy to type with all that proper punctuation and stuff, aren’t you?” Toadette said, narrowing her eyes at me. “…Are you crying?”

No! I wasn’t crying. I just had dust in my eyes and was feeling allergic. I fumbled for the old cartridges that TEC had told me about. Sure enough, they were still there. Smithy’s Gang really did not use this place at all did they?

I placed the old gray cartridge into the slot, blowing out all the dust beforehand. I know this wasn’t the correct way to do it, but I was in a rush. The lights on TEC’s screen flickered briefly as it worked through its operations.

“Ah, sorry, I shouldn’t tease you about that,” Toadette said after a moment of thought. “I used to be a bit of a crybaby, too. Maybe I still am.” She sighed. “You’re a good guy for helping that computer thing, Luigi.”

I’m not good. I’m really not. I was just too afraid to say no. I was too afraid to picture this computer alone in the dark for the rest of time. I didn’t do it for TEC, I did it so I could sleep a little better at night. I did it for myself. But I wouldn’t tell her that.

The computer screen finally went dark, the lights fizzing out into yet another deep slumber. Hopefully it wouldn’t be awakened ever again. I gently placed the cartridge in my overall’s pockets, just in case this AI could somehow feel it?

Back in the hallway, lights flickered to life, or at least what could be considered it. Many didn’t work, but the pathway to Smithy was clear. Toadette and I stuffed ourselves into the tube-shaped elevator. A distant pounding could be heard from above. It beat at a steady rhythm. Doors closed, the ground rose, and that clanking noise only grew louder.

My own heartbeat was replaced with it. My skull thrummed with each strike, growing louder and louder, overpowering my mind. Vibrations skittered across my body, finding every little imperfection.

“Geez, a little nerve-wracking, huh?” Toadette said, twiddling her hands as we grew closer and closer to that noise. “Not like Cackletta wasn’t scary, but the way we’re doing it feels like we’re just delivering ourselves to him, you know?”

I nodded. I got the distinct feeling that I was a piece of scrap metal, just waiting to get hammered down and melted into some kind of shiny new creation. For a moment, it didn’t sound so bad. Turning into something entirely different. But then I remembered my brother, and I remembered having free will is also kind of nice.

Doors opened and hot arid air slapped our faces. Whatever remained of the X-Naut Fortress could barely be seen. Metal plates lined the floors, lined the walls, lined the ceilings! All so incredibly shiny and polished like new! It was nothing like the outskirts of Smithy’s town. The metal here was routinely taken care of. Our nervous forms reflected off every surface.

And the beat… **_Clang! Clang!_** It was so loud. TEC’s lights no longer remained, but they were also no longer necessary. I had never met Smithy, but I knew he was at the end of this hall. I could feel him with every swing of his hammer. This was his world, these were his creations, and now that we stood here in his factory… he owned us, too.

“We, uh… we have to go see him,” Toadette said shakily, her voice overpowered by the screeching of metal against metal. “There’s no turning back now, Luigi.”

I nodded. I didn’t even think I could leave if I wanted. Smithy’s hammer was calling, and I couldn’t ignore it.

As we walked nearer to the beat of metal, nearer to the dry heat, little hammer creatures scurried by. They didn’t even notice us. Other armored men walked about in heavy brightly colored armor, barking orders to anyone they could see. Yet, somehow, they didn’t see us. Or maybe they did, and they just didn’t care? 

I’ve been ignored my whole life, and I feel comfortable being ignored! But this was different. It was like we didn’t exist here.

Conveyor belts churned by, carrying all sorts of weapons and creations. Between the Shysters and the little hammer men, I even saw a gray Yaridovich again! Fresh molten steel dripped from his pointed tips. He didn’t’ have any color, and he barely had any life. At least this one had legs. I worried maybe he’d remember us, but… that didn’t seem to be the case. He stood as still as a statue, waiting for wherever the conveyer belt took him.

My foot met a loose gear on the ground, tripping me and misplacing the thing just barely. Every eye turned to me in an instant. The entire factory stopped.

“Watch where you’re going, bub, or we’ll watch it for you!” one of the heavily armored managers said. “Final warning. You understand?!”

I nodded. Instantly, the factory bubbled to life again, metal clanking, and orders screeching, as if I were never there.

The beating of hammers grew ever louder, destroying my ability to even think anymore. Destroying my ability to even _be_ anymore. Waves of heat drowned us in sweat, making it a struggle just to breathe. Still, we pressed on. I held onto the image of my brother, hoping this would all be worth it.

One final hallway opened up. Much less ‘people’ ran through here. It was big enough to fit a tank! And through it, I could see a hulking shadow and the hammer he wielded. Each strike sent out sparks of fire and life across the metal floors. His sledgehammer was bigger than my entire body, and he only needed one arm for it too.

We nervously made our way in. I felt like an ant lost on a kitchen floor, waiting to be put out of my misery. Smithy did not notice our approach, hammering away with robotic precision.

Robotic was certainly the right word to describe it. I never had seen this man, but he looked to be a robot himself?! An enormous square body made entirely of smooth black metal stood before us. The only part of him that appeared to be organic was his long white beard which tumbled to the ground, covering most of his metallic frame.

I couldn’t help but picture someone like Santa Claus or… maybe even Zeus. Either way, Smithy did not look like any living being I’d ever seen. This was an otherworldly being. Maybe he really was a god? Or maybe he was just a robot? But who created him? Just… what was he?

“Uh, excuse me,” Toadette muttered weakly, standing at a safe distance away from Smithy and his anvil.

He either ignored her or didn’t hear her. Smithy’s crown gleamed almost as bright as the star at his chest. I almost missed that! A shiny crystal-like star was embedded into his body, another beautiful other worldly thing. This did not seem like a creation of Smithy’s though, merely a tool for him to use.

Toadette curled her little hands into fists and took in a deep breath. “ **EXCUSE ME**!” she screamed at the top of her lungs and even standing next to her, I could barely hear her over Smithy’s hammer. I wish I had even half of Toadette’s courage. 

“Huh?” Smithy groaned, his voice practically thundering out of the skies. His eyes, black as coal, met ours. I couldn’t tell if he was angry or not. “Ah. Visitors. Finishing your tour of the factory, yes?”

“Uh… no, not exactly,” Toadette tried to say, but Smithy did not listen.

“You’re just in time.” He grunted and raised his hammer high, its charred black metal pulsing with heavenly power. He slammed it down into a red-hot silvery liquid, steam hissing like a thousand snakes. In a puff of smoke, a gray Shyster bounced, born into existence.

“Hey, how you doin’?” the metal monster greeted casually before hopping off onto the conveyor belt. 

“Impressive, is it not,” Smithy demanded. It was not a question.

“U-uh, yeah. That is seriously _something_ ,” Toadette stuttered, trying to cope with the fact that she just saw a metal blob get beaten into life. “But we’re, um, not here for a tour?”

“Oh?” Smithy grumbled, eyebrows furrowed. “A trade deal, then?”

Toadette shook her head, trying to stay strong. She and I both knew he wouldn’t like the answer. “No, not that either. We’re here for information. We have some questions.”

“Hmph!” Smithy banged his hammer hand against metal, returning to his work. “Questions? Information? Worthless. A waste of my time. I have no interest in either.”

Toadette frowned, her irritation overriding her nervousness.

“Well, too bad! We’re looking for Mario! His brother!” She pointed at me, and again, I wished I was invisible. Smithy’s eyes glanced me up and down like a piece of scrap. He was not impressed. “And we’re looking for information about my brother’s murderer. I have a strong suspicion it was one of _your_ creations!”

Smithy shrugged, swinging his hammer ever onward. It was like breathing to him. “Mario? I have heard of no such thing in recent memory. I have no interest in brothers. And as for yours, little girl? If one of my weapons killed him, then I am not at fault.”

Huh? How could he not have heard of Mario either? Wasn’t my brother here? Or was Smithy just faking it?

Toadette looked like a steamed mushroom, wiping angry sweat from her brow. “What do you mean you’re not at fault!? If your creations killed him, then its absolutely your fault!”

“Do you blame a sword for stabbing? Do you blame a gun for shooting?” Smithy hammered on. “No. It is the person’s fault for falling upon the sword, for allowing the bullet to find them. I take no responsibility for the lives of you creatures.”

“But!” Toadette shouted. “They’re not just mindless weapons! There’s no one using them! They control themselves! And they’re controlled by you! How can you say you’re not at fault!?”

“I am not.” **_Clang!_** “I merely make weapons. That is all.”

I could tell Toadette was about to say something insulting, about to argue her point to what appeared to be quite a literal wall. I didn’t want to anger this being. In my cowardice, I spoke up, hoping to sway the conversation and tensions away.

“But what-a about the-a crown?” I asked as loud as I could. It was the best I could think of to diffuse the situation. It didn’t make much sense, and my stupid stutter only embarrassed me further, but at least it did _something._

“Ah. A crown.” Smithy huffed. “Yes, a small green thing sold me such a crown, claiming it had magical properties. This thing.” He finally stopped hammering for a moment, reaching for the pile of metals nearby.

And just like that, he held it out in his enormous metal fingers. A tiny silver crown with a daisy on it, the blue sapphire shining like a sports star. That was Daisy’s crown! I was sure of it!

“I was scammed,” Smithy said stonily. “There are no special properties in this thing. It is worse than scrap metal. I will not be doing business with that man again.” He eyed us. “Do you wish for this useless trinket? Wishes do not come true, you know.” Without another thought, he tossed the crown into my hands. “But this is an efficient way to dispose of waste. Take it. I have no use for it.”

“But what about my brother?!” Toadette yelled, her hands achingly empty. “Someone!... Someone has to pay for what happened to him! Someone _has_ to! He can’t just be dead with no one to blame! It’s not fair!”

“That is how your world works, child,” Smithy replied. “Your people die. Sometimes to each other, sometimes simply because they are defective products and cannot continue to operate.”

“Stop acting like you had no part in this!” Toadette stamped a foot down on the metal, her _clang!_ but a tiny whimper against Smithy’s. “Just tell me which of your robots did it then at least! I don’t care!”

“Your entitlement annoys me,” Smithy said, the fires of his forge burning hotter. “I know nothing of your brothers. Do you understand? Continue to bother me, and you will regret it.”

“So you’ll kill us, too?! You admit it then?!”

“ **YOU WILL SHOW ME RESPECT!** ” Smithy howled, steam erupting from his crown like a geyser. “I have done nothing but show it to you!” He slammed his hammer down. The entire _world_ must of have shook.

Toadette and I could barely keep our footing, let alone our determination. I tried to nudge her with the crown. At least we got something, right?

“But!...” Toadette whimpered, still unable to stop. “The ghost thing… he said Mario was here, he said everything was here!...”

Another earthshattering blow against his anvil, and it cracked in two. “I told you, child, I know nothing of your creatures’ plight! I know of no ghost! Leave me to my work!” He pointed his hammer hand to an exit nearby.

I had to stop her before she got us killed. I could see Toadette wasn’t satisfied. I wasn’t really either, but what choice did we have? Smithy would bargain with us no longer, and a little mushroom girl and a twig like me were not going to beat the information out of a metal god! I pulled her along with me, apologizing the entire way.

“Stop it, Luigi, stop it!” she cried, struggling against me. “It can’t just be like this!”

It’s always been like this! This is just how the world is! Unfair! Mario always wanted to change that, too. Mario probably would have never listened to Smithy either. I’m glad they had never met, or else who knows what could have happened to him!

I dragged her away, far enough away, where Smithy could surely not hear us anymore. Here we wouldn’t be a bother to him. Over here, it was dark. A minion or two would scamper by, but it wasn’t nearly as busy as the other hallway. At the end, I could see a light. It must have been the exit to outside.

Toadette pulled free of my grip angrily, strengthened by the shame in her eyes. She wanted to wipe her tears, hide them away. I understood that.

I was never sure what to do. I was never sure what I was going to do. Why did I agree to any of this? My heart was pounding in my chest, and finally I could hear myself over Smithy’s distant hammering. But I heard too much of myself.

Looking back on it, I can’t say I understand. I _felt_ something was wrong. Does that make sense? Is it premonition? Is it just our stupid body’s way of dealing with grief? I felt it like I knew it before I saw it. I felt like I had always known. But at that moment, I saw it with my own eyes. It was a nightmare I had all too often, a nightmare that I knew, I _knew_ , would become real someday.

I never wanted to believe it. I always had hoped it was just anxiety or over worrying. It’s just my cowardly way of dealing with the world, right? My fears and my worries… they were just that! Weren’t they?

No. They weren’t. This proved it.

Everything shattered. I couldn’t feel anything anymore. I saw red in the dark grey of Smithy’s hallways. A familiar red. The red that always used to be so comforting to me. A red that told me I was home, and that I was okay.

It was the same red that also warned me, that also gnawed at the back of my head, telling me ‘ _One day, it’ll be gone. One day, it will be the last you ever see of this thing you love. And there’s nothing you can do about it.’_

It was Mario. And he wasn’t moving.


	8. Until You Give Up

Days have gone by. Maybe a week. I dunno.

Went to my brother’s funeral. A lot of people were there. So many people. Seemed like everyone had something to say about him. I didn’t say anything. I should have. I should have done a lot of things.

Daisy got her crown back. She was pleased about it. She hasn’t left yet. I don’t know why. I don’t think I care.

I don’t remember what Toadette did or what happened with her.

Think the NDPD are trying to arrest Smithy. Something about higher ups. I dunno. It doesn’t matter.

You know the worst part? I’m not even angry towards Smithy. I just don’t feel. Stories shouldn’t end like this. Adventures shouldn’t end like this. This isn’t how they’re supposed to go.

 

 

I  
  
  
He  
  
  
It doesn’t matter.

 

 

Nothing else happened.


	9. But She Won't Give Up

It’d been a rough week. Ah, who was she kidding, it’d been a rough _life_. The past couple of weeks just kept coming, just kept jumping at her, trying to stomp her into the ground. But Goombella wouldn’t give up! She couldn’t! Sure, maybe a few times she snuck off to cry in the bathroom, but no one _knew_ about that. To everyone else, they saw Goombella and must have thought, ‘ _Gee! What a tough girl!’_

Right? People thought that about her, right? … They didn’t. They probably didn’t even remember she existed.

Well, screw them!! Who needs them!? Goombella? Hell no! She didn’t need anyone! … No partner! No friends! Yeah! Lone wolf! That’s just what Goombella was like, that’s just the type of thing she needed in her life!

Buuuuuuut, when she got Toadette’s message to meet for drinks, she was totally not going to say no. Holy crap, she was lonely and desperate to see her again!! She couldn’t get out of her police uniform fast enough!

She had always loved being a cop, but it’d been hard lately. Very hard. Especially without a friend.

So. Here she sat. Drinking a fizzy green soda! By herself. On her day off. Waiting for Toadette, who totally was NOT going to flake on her, right?

_Come on, girl! You had it worse than me, sure, but you’ve been a hot mess lately!_

“Hon hon, would ze madam care for another beverage?” an old Bean asked behind the counter, polishing a mug so hard that Goombella was sure the sheen could be seen from space.

“No thanks, Cork, I’m good for now,” Goombella sighed, sipping her bottle with a silly straw. Cork and Cask called it a _Gentleman’s Instrument_ , or a _Madame’s Instrument_ , but… it was a silly straw.

“Ah ah, do not have ze shame, young madam!” Cask said in his usual pushy way. “Zhere is nothing wrong with ze quiet drink alone! Unless you are zat barbarian baker, Torte!”

“Boo, Torte!” Cork made a face like he had sniffed an old Yoshi egg. “Now ZHERE is a shameful man! Why, Zust last week, I waz outzide when-”

“I get it, I get it!” Goombella growled. “You hate Torte, and Torte hates you! It is VERY well established! Please let me drink in peace!”

Cork and Cask wore expressions of horror across their elegant bearded faces. “Rude,” Cask grumbled.

“Oui,” Cork agreed, back to his scrubbing.

Goombella groaned, blowing angry bubbles into her drink. Whatever. What did it matter? No one treated her with respect, why should _she_ always have to try so hard for them? She didn’t care about anyone anymore! This was the birth of a new Goombella! Who didn’t need anyone and didn’t care about anyone!

A bell jingled and the door opened. A familiar face stepped into Chataeu de Chucklehuck. A face that Goombella didn’t realize she had missed so much.

“Toadette!” Goombella cried out, practically falling off her barrel chair. The place was decorated like an old winery, and while that was cute and all, it wasn’t very practical for a Goomba. “Oh, it’s been so long, girl!!”

Toadette looked up from the ground, her eyes lost in thought. Her skin was pale. Well, paler than usual for a Toad.

“Hey,” was all she said. Her pigtails were still in usual order, but her hair was messy and frizzy, like she just hadn’t bothered to do it the past few days. She was wearing a weird loose-fitting shirt that just … said ‘Free’ on it. What the hell did that mean?

“That’s all?! Just ‘hey’??” Goombella mock-whined, trying her best to keep a smile up. Toadette shuffled by to her seat, completely ignoring her. “Hey, come on, don’t I get a hug at least? You know I’d hug you if I could!”

“Right,” Toadette said, shuffling back to wrap her arms weakly around Goombella. Geez. She’d seen more life in a Dry Bones.

“Lemme get ya something to drink,” Goombella said, straining to stay happy. She had to stay happy. She had no reason to be upset! Toadette did. She had every reason to be upset. Goombella didn’t deserve to be unhappy.

“Cork, can we get a Cherry Chuckolacola over here?”

“Oh, now she wants us to speak,” Cork grumbled, working a faucet installed into a huge barrel. Fizzy red liquid bubbled into his pristine mug, a great complimentary color to Goombella’s green.

“Now now, ze customer is always right, mon frère,” Cask whispered to him. “Ve can’t afford to lose another customer to that… Torte!”

“Oui,” Cork replied sternly, bringing the drink over to the table. Even in his great disdain, he managed a very polite bow after bringing the drink over. Toadette didn’t even glance his way, only angering him further.

Luckily Cask was there to calm him down, bringing him into the back to talk him out of his gentlemanly rage. They were a good pair of brothers, weren’t they? Very supporting of each other. What would they do without each other?...

The red drink burbled mournfully as Toadette leaned against her hand. She ignored it like she ignored Cork and Cask’s precious etiquette, her elbow resting on the table, and only a quiet sigh on her lips.

Goombella practically bit her tongue off. She so badly wanted to just blurt out ‘ _So how ya been!?_ ’ But Goombella knew all too well she hadn’t been doing good.

Her mind went back to that call a week ago.

…

Toadette called Goombella on her personal phone, voice low. “Mario’s dead,” she had said.

Goombella didn’t even have time to say hello yet. “What?” Goombella had replied, completely dumbfounded.

“Mario’s dead. We found him. Over at Smithy’s place.”

“What?!”

“I think we need someone to pick us up. I’m with Luigi. He’s not taking it well.”

Goombella just remembered she kept asking ‘ _What?_ ’ like an idiot, and she needed Toadette to repeat herself like three more times before it all sunk in. Some cop, right? Needless to say, Goombella got Chief Toadstool on it right away and they sent someone out to pick them all up.

Goombella was not one of those people. She would have gotten in the way, surely. She didn’t have a kart like the other Toads. She didn’t have arms like the other Toads. Most of the investigation had been completely out of her hands, pun exasperatingly intended.

She had heard Toadette’s reports secondhand from the other Toads at least. Tales of an old evil scheming witch, of a robot disguised as her brother, of a ghost disguised as a robot disguised as her brother, and finally, an old smithy who had apparently killed Mario and left him for dead right in the hallway to his chambers.

Open and shut case, right? Smithy did it. Easy. Mario got in his way, and Smithy is not the type of guy to NOT have his way. He doesn’t care or know who he had to smash, but if they come before his anvil, they WILL get flattened.

Except Luigi didn’t say anything. A prime witness to _everything_ that night, and he just wouldn’t talk. Not like he ever talked much, but this time? He _really_ wouldn’t talk. Boys tried everything. Even Peach tried to get him to say something. But he wouldn’t.

Some of the Toads were even starting to suspect that Luigi killed his brother. Why wouldn’t he want to get the killer? Why wouldn’t he cry? Why wouldn’t he…. _anything?!_ At least, that’s what they thought.

And Toadette… Toadette wasn’t exactly helping her case. Or anyone’s case. Chief Peach made sure Goombella had the rest of the day off. She didn’t want them anywhere near each other. Musta thought Goombella would have been a bad influence. Or maybe she was protecting Goombella from Toadette’s temper?

Either way, there was a lot of yelling, Goombella had heard. Probably similar to the day she found out her brother died. Goombella _was_ there for _that_ day, and she wouldn’t forget it.

“You don’t listen! You don’t listen to anyone! Nobody here listens!” Toadette had screamed. “We could have prevented this! We could have stopped this if we just tried a little harder! If we didn’t just accept defeat!”

Chief Toadstool tried so hard. She really did! Goombella didn’t dislike her. She didn’t _agree_ with Peach, but she knew that the ‘Princess’ gave everything her all and stood by her decisions. She stayed calm even when Toadette had yelled at her, stayed calm even when she said it was all her fault.

Goombella wondered if that’s what happened when they came back with Mario, too.

Goombella brought herself back into the present for a moment. She looked over Toadette’s weak body, limp in almost every motion she made. She looked like an expired bag of mushrooms. Could she even have the energy to scream again? Who knows. But Toadette had a lot to say. A lot of tales. And not everything pointed to Smithy like the Toads wanted it to.

“Why do you think she won’t just say it’s Smithy?” a Toad would ask.

“Think he bought her out? Maybe she’s in cahoots. Whole thing is fishy if you ask me,” another Toad would say.

“Yeah! She sounded like a crazy person! Going up to Cackletta and Smithy all in one night? Luigi even saw Bowser on his own! It was all over Bowser’s Channel! No one would live through that. Not even Mario did!”

“Ever since Captain Toad went, she hasn’t been right in the head. Poor girl.”

And it hurt. It hurt biting her tongue so much. Goombella wanted to scream at them too, tell them all how wrong they were about Toadette! About Luigi! … Not that she knew Luigi that well, but she had a pretty good read on him.

Regardless of what anyone said or didn’t say, GBI got involved, and those guys are higher up than anyone in the NDPD. Galactic Bureau of Investigation. You didn’t get higher up than that! Some tall lady in a fancy dress came in a few days after, looking very serious and powerful. Powerful enough that the stars themselves listened to her orders.

Goombella tried to eavesdrop, but Chief Toadstool was always three steps ahead of her. That tall lady was gone, and the next day, some weird guy in blue showed up and pretty much took over the whole place. Called himself Geno. A stick in the mud might be a good way to describe him. Wooden. Like, imagine a doll that tried _really_ hard to be stoic and cool. He mostly was! Just… at the end of the day, he was still a janky wooden doll.

But say what you want about him, that guy had _drive_. He wanted Smithy, and he wanted him _bad._ Even when the other Toad’s brought up some of Toadette’s other statements, he merely shrugged it off and said that wasn’t what he came here for.

…

“It couldn’t have been him...” Toadette suddenly mumbled to herself, throwing Goombella back into the present.

“Huh!?” Goombella said, again, sounding like an idiot. Geez. She really had to stop being so shocked all the time!

“Smithy. I don’t think he did it,” Toadette said, her eyes finally looking at _something._ It was Goombella. She was really staring hard. Kind of unnerving, holy cow. Is this what it felt like when they did the good cop, bad cop routine?! Toadette was always the bad cop.

“Hey, like,” Goombella started, kind of wishing they could have talked about something that _wasn’t_ work just for a little bit. “I get what you’re saying, y’know? I don’t know if it totally fits in with Smithy’s character either, but who else could it be?”

Toadette clenched her eyes shut, pressing her palm into her forehead way too hard. “I know! I don’t have any proof! I just, I don’t think he killed Mario. I’m not even sure he killed my brother.”

“You mean, like, you think that Yaridovich guy did, right?” Goombella asked, trying her best to be helpful to Toadette. She knew about him. She knew about all of Smithy’s troops. Paid to be well researched! That’s what old Frankly says! Or… well. Used to say.

“No. No.” Toadette shook her head almost frantically. “Well. Maybe. I’m not sure still. I don’t think any of Smithy’s troops had anything to do with this.”

“You think it could have been Doopliss?”

Toadette glared. “Who?”

Oops. Right. Toadette probably didn’t know his name. “Er. That ghost guy you met. That was def Doopliss. I’ve had a run in with him before so I kno-”

She sighed. “Of course you know him. You know everyone. I should have known that you knew!” Toadette took a swig of her drink, tossing the silly straw onto the floor.

Goombella could feel her polite smile cracking. “Um…sorry?”

Toadette shook her head, gulping down her bottle like she hadn’t drank in days, which seemed extremely likely. “Sorry, Goombella. I didn’t mean it like it was a bad thing. I meant it in a way like, I should have talked to you way sooner, you know?” The red soda washed down her throat, and it gave Toadette back some of the color she had lost.

“You really _should_ have talked to me sooner,” Goombella said quietly. She meant to add a y’know to that, or maybe a like, or totally!! But she didn’t.

“I know,” Toadette sighed. “Sorry. Things have been… weird.” She frowned, but at least it was an emotion! Better than being totally blank faced.

It was Goombella’s turn to sigh. “I know, I know. I don’t hold it against you, girl.”

“I’ve been so tired,” Toadette said between gulps of her soda. Before she knew it, it was already empty. Goombella scooched her green drink over for Toadette to have. “Thanks. I haven’t gotten a good night’s sleep in, sheesh… ever since Cap’n.”

“Yeah,” Goombella said with a nod. “I get it.”

“I’ve just!” Toadette held out her hands, almost spilling the soda on herself. “I’ve been thinking! Like! The usual cliché junk! Man, maybe I could have stopped it!”

Goombella nodded. She thought of her old professor. Stomped dead. “I know what you mean.”

“If I was just… better! You know?” Toadette asked, eyes desperately on Goombella now.

“I know.”

“God, and it’s just like, always put it on Mario! Anything goes wrong, hand it over to Mario! He’ll figure it out! He always does!” She slammed her bottle on the barrel table. “Well! Didn’t do so great of a job, did he?”

Goombella winced. She still really liked Mario. He was a hero to her! Helped her become a cop, helped her through so much! She didn’t really like Toadette badmouthing him, especially after y’know, he just died. But at the same time, Goombella understood Toadette was frustrated. She didn’t mean it.

“I knew, man, I _knew_! I couldn’t trust them to figure out what happened to my brother!” Toadette said, a little bit louder than Goombella would have liked. “Still can’t even trust ‘em now!” She slammed her bottle so hard against the table again, Goombella worried it’d shatter. “God! Worst part is, can’t even trust myself either! Not like I know any better!”

“So, you really don’t think Smithy did it then?” Goombella asked evenly. She knew Toadette. She knew she responded well to simple logical questions.

“No!” Toadette yelled back. She paused, scratched her face. “Well. Maybe!” She paused again. “I don’t know!”

“Do you have any ideas on who else might have done it?”

Toadette nodded, the sugary cola really hyping her up. “Oh yeah! I got ideas! I have a prime suspect! But I don’t wanna say yet. There’d be no point! Even if I did, I got no evidence, I got no badge, I got nothing!”

Goombella mulled over the case details in her mind and outloud. “They say Mario died to a blow to the back of the head. Something hot hit him. There were scorch marks. Like…”

Toadette groaned, staring at the green liquid sloshing around in her bottle. “Like my brother had.”

“Like a smith’s hammer,” Goombella said, knowing she didn’t fully believe that description.

“Convenient, huh?” Toadette grumbled. “Like that ghost guy said… Like finding Mario’s body right before Smithy’s room.”

“Smithy wouldn’t have even known who Mario was, or probably forgot who he was if they had ever met before way back,” Goombella said. “His troops wouldn’t care if there was a dead body around, as long as it didn’t get in the way of their work.”

“Mmhmm!” Toadette nodded, sipping her drink. “Geez, Goombella, how do you know them so well? I wouldn’t have had a clue unless I met them myself.”

“I read a lot.” Goombella tried to shrug, but she didn’t have shoulders. “I dunno!”

“And then there’s the crown!” Toadette shouted forlornly. “What the heck does the crown have to do with anything?! I don’t get it! It’s not even important, is it?! No one at the station seemed to think it was!”

Goombella blinked. “Wait. You mean Daisy’s crown? The one Luigi was looking for?”

“The heck?!” Toadette raised an eyebrow at her, or at least the closest thing to it. “You know about the crown, too? Okay, now you’ve just got some kind of powers, don’t you?”

“No, no! I talked to Luigi that night!” Goombella countered. “He told me about the crown! And then there was Popple…”

“Oh, right!!” Toadette slammed her hand on the table again, but this time it wasn’t angry. “Luigi told me something about that too! I, uh, sort of tuned out. Luigi’s not the most interesting guy.”

“Ohmigosh, don’t I know it!!” Goombella grinned. “He’s a sweet guy, I love him, but hello??? Snooze fest!!!”

“Right???” Toadette motioned like the key to the puzzle of her life was agreeing that Luigi was nice but weird and kind of boring. “Agh. Probably shouldn’t talk bad about him all things considered.”

“Ugh, yeah,” Goombella admitted. “How was he? I’ve wanted to visit him, make sure he was okay, but I’ve not had any time! This week’s been a mess…”

“Not good, Goombella, not good,” Toadette sighed. “I’m sure you heard. Or well. _Didn’t_ hear. He wouldn’t say anything. The moment we saw Mario. It all stopped. You know how he’s always mumbling or muttering about something or other at least?”

“Yep,” Goombella nodded. “Yep, yep, that’s definitely Luigi. Can’t tell when he’s talking to you or to himself?”

“Right!???” Toadette was so astonished that anyone could agree with her. “But yeah.” She let her voice soften. “He just went completely silent. Totally quiet. Not a single mumble, not even the faintest of hums. He wouldn’t even move unless I led him.”

“Geez…” Goombella shook her head. “I heard it was bad. I didn’t realize. Not a single thing to you either?”

“Nope. Seriously. Nothing.” Toadette looked away.  “It was just like he lost the will to live right there, man.”

Goombella had to choose her words wisely. She wanted to make sure Toadette was okay, too.

“Did the same thing happen to you? When you...” _Saw your brother dead, too. Did you also lose the will to live, Toadette?_

“No!” Toadette argued fiercely. “No! Of course not!” And… like clockwork. “…maybe a little.” She fiddled with Goombella’s silly straw, staring out the window into the rainy city, past the burbling barrel of soda that definitely did not just move.

“But I didn’t completely shutdown like Luigi did. I got angry. I had to. It was the only thing left I felt. If I didn’t get angry? Maybe I’d have been like Luigi.”

“Geez…” Goombella said intelligently. Not exactly her most helpful comment. But what else could she say?

Toadette shook her head. “Eh, forget that. What about the crown, though? You think it’s important?”

For once, Goombella was very happy to bring the topic back to work. “It’s either extremely important or has nothing to do with anything. Maybe both.”

She glared. “What the heck’s that supposed to mean?”

“How the hell should I know!?”

“Well! What… you know… happened with it?” Toadette said, struggling to even form a decent question. “ _You_ said _some guy_ said _he_ had it, or whatever?”

“Popple, yeah.” Goombella nodded.

Toadette’s eyes showed no recognition.

“Shadow thief. Self-proclaimed.”

Still nothing.

“The little green Bean guy who was partners with Croco!”

Toadette’s eyes lit up like Fire Flowers. “Oh!! _That_ guy!” She tilted her head. “He had the crown?”

“ _Said_ he had it.” Again Goombella did a thing that might resemble a shrug. Toadette understood. “We never actually saw the crown on him. Said he stole it off Daisy and then lost it in a game at Bowser’s.”

Toadette grimaced. “Wha? That can’t be right…”

“Because Smithy had it, right?” Goombella wracked her brain, trying to understand. “… Why would Smithy even have it?”

Toadette didn’t answer. “Hmm…”

“You know something, don’t you?” Goombella asked, reading that lost-in-thought face of Toadette’s all too easily.

“Maybe,” Toadette admitted. “It’s still not evidence. It’s still nothing but speculation.”

“Then, come on!! Spill the beans!” Goombella begged, not even noticing the amazing pun she made. “Don’t leave me hanging, y’know?”

“I just, I don’t have the words for it yet. It’s still a mess in my head.”

Goombella tapped her foot against the barrel, spacing out. “Someone’s lying then, huh? Or a lot of people are lying.”

“ _Everyone’s_ lying. But who’s lying the most? Who’s lying the least? And why?”

“…What are you talking about.”

“I-I told you I don’t have the words for it yet!” Toadette whined. Suddenly, she stood up and threw a bunch of coins on the table. “Thanks for talking with me, Goombella. This really helped. In more ways than one.”

“Huh?” Goombella gawked as Toadette gathered up her things and finished off the rest of Goombella’s soda. “You’re not just leaving, are you?!”

“Sorry. I can’t… like…” Toadette made a gesture with her hands that even she must not have understood. “I can’t say it. But I can do something.” She was already halfway out the door and back at the rainy streets. “I’ll keep in touch from now on. I promise. Talk to you later, Goombella.”

“Toadette, aw, man, come on!”

But by the time Goombella had waddled off her chair and out the door into New Donk, Toadette was long gone.


	10. And You Won't Either

Been a while. Still not feeling much. I think I prefer it this way. I haven’t left the office for a week. Although without Mario, it’s just a home isn’t it? An empty home. I’m not a detective. Never was and never will be.

It doesn’t really matter, I guess. Things aren’t so different. It’s all the same. I’m still home all day, all night, doing the same things, except Mario doesn’t come home anymore. It’s not like he was here all that often anyway. I’ve had more time to read through what my brother’s accomplished over the years. I should have done this before, but I’m an idiot. Oh well.

_Are you sure you’d like me to search for more Mario headlines, Luigi? I feel as though you have read enough._

Just do it, TEC, please. It’s the very least I could do for him.

_I will do it if you ask, Luigi. However, with my new limited processing power, my slower speeds, and_

Yes, TEC, I know. My computer is not very fast.

_My apologies! I am still incredibly grateful to you, Luigi. Being connected to the world wide web is so amazing! There are so many things here! Have you seen these pictures of cats in shoes? There are so many! Cats do not belong in shoes! But they are… I believe, cute?_

You’ve told me and shown me the pictures, TEC. Just pull up another Mario news story, will you?

_Again, my apologies, Luigi! I am merely the world’s most mediocre computer now, but I think that is okay. I think it is okay, as I feel… happy. And as an ultimate computer before, that was not allowed! Feeling was illogical. But now! It’s okay. I can be happy. It does not make sense, but that is just fine._

I know. I’m glad for you.

_I just wish you could be happy, too. Here, I will pull up a story. It is about Mario solving the mystery of the Glitzpit while going under the alias of the Great Gonzales, a pro wrestler! It is very interesting, even if there seems to be a lack of cats inside of shoes. A small critique._

Thank you, TEC.

I always wanted to know more about this. To think, my brother was on TV, and I didn’t watch it because I didn’t like wrestling! What is wrong with me?! Well, at least there’s still video of the matches online.

Mario looked so cool. So tough! Nothing like me. Him and his little Yoshi partner dodged that jerk Rawk Hawk with ease! Rawk Hawk thought he was so cool with that glorious golden mane of his, didn’t he? When things started to go badly for him, he tried to cheat! Jumping out of bounds, grabbing the set’s lights, basically anything he could do to win! Although… I guess, to be fair, Mario for some reason _was_ double teaming him with an angry Yoshi. … Not really sure why that was okay. And Mario was using a hammer, too.

“Hey!” a voice shouted at me, practically ripping my soul out of my body. “Luigi, phone’s ringin’ again! You ever gonna get that?”

Ugh. That was Daisy. She was _still_ here. I don’t know why. Her crown rested atop her head happily, but she still wore those strange sporty clothes of hers and those shorts that were much too short! Why wouldn’t she leave?

“Yeah, you’re doing that mumbling thing again?” Daisy said, lounging on the couch in the living room. “I dunno what you said, something about wondering why I’m still here for the fifteenth time? And for the fifteenth time, I’m telling you! I like it here!”

So. That’s a good enough reason to just stay in my home, I guess. Not like I had the spine to get rid of her or anything.

“Plus, you cook pretty well.” She made a face and shook her hand in that ‘so-so’ way. “Eh, most of the time. Last night’s spaghetti could have used more sauce.”

I put my face in my hands. Wasn’t Daisy some kind of incredible sports star? Didn’t she have things to do and places to be?

“Yeah, yeah,” Daisy huffed. “Everyone’s always tellin’ me what to do and how to be and where to go. That’s why I like it here! I can do whatever I want. Plus, you got my crown back! I owe you!” She sat up and grinned, touching the crown lightly as if to make sure it was still there. She had already lost it multiple times around the house.

And she didn’t pay me a single coin for finding it by the way.

“Oh yeah, don’t worry about that, money’s not an issue,” Daisy said casually. “And to be honest, I think if I left, I’m not even sure you’d make dinner? Or eat anything? Or do anything? You already don’t do too much.”

She was one to talk!!

“So, yeah, I’m payin’ you back by, like, being your secretary, I guess, and helpin’ you out by making sure you eat or whatever.” The phone started its incessant ringing again. No one had picked it up during our conversation. “Oh, and I know you said that all Shy Guys are good people, since they’re related to Snifits and crap, but I got that guy next door to shut up for you finally!” She smiled, holding up a happy little fist in front of her cheery cheeks.

I did appreciate that she could talk to people for me when I had trouble. Even though I’ve always said Shy Guys are wonderful people, (I’ve always said it, please don’t look up earlier chapters, they’re wrong.) when I asked politely that my Shy Guy neighbor keep it down, he just slammed the door on my nose.

It was nice feeling like there was still a reason to cook, too. When Mario wasn’t around, I stopped making food, and I stopped eating. Daisy though, she couldn’t even use a microwave. I couldn’t let her just starve! So, I cooked for her.

However, the phone was _still_ ringing. And it was drilling into my ears like a Banzai Bill. Daisy said she was supposed to be my secretary, but she wasn’t exactly doing any of that.

“Oh. Huh. Guess you’re right,” Daisy admitted. “That is what secretaries do, don’t they? Hold on, let’s try this out.” She coughed and sputtered and cleared her throat, getting spittle all over the carpet and phone. I cringed. She could have at least covered her mouth. She picked up our cute little mushroom phone daintily, speaking into the polka-dotted receiver.

“Hi, I’m Daisy!”

No, no, you … you have to say this is the Mario Bros. Detective Agency. Er. Not that it is anymore, but… well, that’s still more accurate than just saying that!

“Oh, right! Yeah, no,” Daisy nodded and shook her head to whatever voice was confusedly trying to communicate with her. “Yeah, this is the Mario Bros. Detective whatever, I’m just Daisy. You’re what now? Also, you’re breathing way too hard into the phone, it’s weird.”

… I think I might actually do better at answering the phone than her.

“NDPD? Police? And you’re a Goomba?” Daisy frowned. “No, none of that sounds good. I hate all of the things you just said to me.”

Daisy. _Please_.

“I mean, you can talk to Luigi if you want to so bad, _I guess._ ” She handed the receiver to me. “Here ya go. Some cop lady. Says her name was like Goombarlio or whatever? Take it, I hate talking to her.”

I’ve never wanted to take a phone faster. Daisy must have a special power. I scrambled to put the receiver against my ear, hoping she hadn’t caused any kind of irreversible damage.

“Luigi? Luigi, ohmigosh, is that you?!” the phone exclaimed with spunky energy.

Goombella. It had been a while since I last talked to her. What did she want with me though?

“Huh? Did you say something?” Goombella grumbled. “Oh! Oh!! You’re mumbling again! That’s a great sign!”

I don’t mumble that often. I muse and I think deeply about my surroundings! It’s normal, okay?

“Yeah, sure, you totally mumble, but whatever.” Goombella could hardly wait, I could hear the hitch in her breath as she asked me next, “W-was that actually Daisy? _The_ Daisy? Did I just talk to her? D-did she like me?”

I looked over at Daisy who was back on the couch.

“ **Love** the police!” she said angrily, holding out a certain finger. Oh my goodness, no! No, I am not writing down that word! No, no, no!

I told Goombella that Daisy … loved the police.

“Really? I thought I heard a f…funnier sounding word,” Goombella said shakily, laughing a bit to herself in that way that no one really thought was funny.

Didn’t she have something important to tell me? Surely Goombella had a better reason for calling than just a hello, right? … … Not that I completely minded. It was a little nice to think someone out there was looking out for me.

“Oh, yeah, sorry.” She cleared her throat and tried to do her best officer voice. “Special Agent Geno of the GBI formally requests your presence down at the station. We can send someone over there to pick you up if you need a lift.”

GBI? Galactic Bureau of Investigation? I had heard of those guys in stories! I know Mario even worked with them occasionally. What could they possibly want with me? I couldn’t do anything for them! There’s no way I could go. I didn’t want to leave the house anymore!

“Okey-dokey,” I said in my usual awful way. I sighed inwardly.

“Ah, great! Thanks, Luigi! You won’t regret it!” Goombella said, and I could feel myself regretting it instantly. “I’ll send Ted to pick you up. I’ll meet you at the station in just a little bit, okay?”

I let out one last mournful, “Okey-dokey,” before hanging up the phone. Looks like I was going out again. Nothing good ever comes from going outside.

I gazed at my glowing Fire Flowers in their cute little pot together. Charlie and Marissa stared at me with their hollow eyes. I guess if I never went outside, I would have never gotten Charlie a friend! Maybe it wasn’t _completely_ worthless. Those two warmed my heart and my desk with their unending heat.

I snatched up my hat and made for the door. Daisy widened her eyes.

“Wha? You’re actually leaving for once?”

I nodded. I let her know about the leftover spaghetti in the fridge for dinner later. I also told her to please stop writing curse words in TEC’s dialogue box. He really didn’t like it. And!!! If if she was going to search for things, to please use incognito mode and not make TEC search for it!

Daisy crossed her arms, face puffed up in a pout. “Fine,” she groaned. “Just be careful, I guess.”

I’m always careful. I’m _too_ careful. That was not something she’d have to worry about. I fit my hat snuggly over my head and left the office for the first time in a week.

* * *

The Station was even more of a mess than last time. Toads scrambled between their desks, answering calls, scattering papers, and just generally being in their sort of usual panic state. However, this was a level 7-2 panic state. And it was a water level. Everyone was sort of just flopping around gasping for air.

Lumas, as cute as they are, did not appear to be helping anyone. I’d never seen one in person! They shone in a rainbow of different colors, their tubby bodies floating along the office, twinkling like the stars that they were. Some Toads’ entire job appeared to be focused on feeding the hungry little guys. Not that they were rude or mean! But the Lumas tended to eat anything they could get their mouths on when they were hungry, including important papers, fire flowers, and some unlucky Toads. They were fine, just had a little drool on them. Some Toads had to spray water on the Lumas that tried to eat the other Toads, yelling, “No! Bad Luma!”

… I wondered what purpose the Lumas served.

“Right this way, Luigi. I’ll leave you with the Chief till Geno is ready for you,” Ted N. Toad said happily. “By the way, what did you think of my bazooka? I told everyone I had one! I really do!”

Huh? Uh. Well in the backseat, Ted _did_ have a big shiny rocket launcher snuggled tightly behind a seatbelt. It appeared to be very lovingly cared for and clearly didn’t see much (if any) action at all.

“See! No one ever believes me!” Ted nodded along, as if I was as invested in this story as he was. “If anyone asks, tell them how amazing my bazooka is, okay?” He opened the door for me to Chief Toadstool’s office.

“Okey…dokey….” I said slowly, walking past him.

He winked at me and closed the door.

The Chief’s office didn’t appear to be any different than last time. Still weren’t many decorations or anything. Although, hm, weren’t there more pictures of …. Ah… right. My brother. I eyed the desk, wondering what the strange bundle of blonde fur was doing on it. A scruffy teddy bear maybe? But why was that here?

“Luigi!” the scruff said, startling me. It quickly sat up revealing a ragged chief of police. “I’m terribly sorry! I-I just, I closed my eyes for a second! And…”

Oh my goodness, that was Peach! I tried my best to tell her it was okay! I remembered her looking tired before, but this? Her eyes were darker than a Chain Chomp’s metal skin, and her hair was about as prickly as a Pokey’s. She quickly did it back up into a pony tail behind her officer’s hat, trying to hide the frizz, but I still noticed. Kind of rude of me, I know.

“I, uh, I…” She looked around, trying to look at anything but me. As if just the sight of me hurt her. “As you can see, I don’t have much control around here anymore.” She sighed, deflating into her chair. “I don’t know if I ever had any, actually.”

I stayed silent. What could I possibly say to her?

“I’m so sorry,” she sputtered suddenly. “About what happened. To Mario.”

There was nothing to say about it.

Peach put her elbow on the desk, resting her forehead against her hand. “… I always thought he was invincible. I was sure of it. After everything he’d done, after all of the mysteries and adventures he’d had and all the times he…” She choked on the last part a bit, eyes blinking hard. “Saved me.

“I started sending him out to do anything we couldn’t do here. He always came back. He always solved the mystery, he always beat the bad guy, whoever it was.” She shook her head and something wet fell. “I didn’t think it was possible he could ever _die_.”

I suppose I felt the same way too, didn’t I? Except, no. I always worried. There was always that nagging voice in my head. What if this was the last adventure for him? No, I didn’t feel the same way at all. No, I did not understand her feelings.

“It was my fault. I should have given him more breaks. I should have been more careful, I should have known better. I got lazy, I grew too attached to Mario, I relied on him too much.”

Just what was their relationship, anyway? I had always assumed, or guessed…

“Huh?” Peach finally looked at me.

Did I say that out loud? Oh. Maybe that wasn’t a good time.

“Mario and I… we were good friends. I think. That was what I wanted it to be. For the time being.” She had composed herself for this moment, and it looked as if she would have pulled it off. But soon her statuesque form crumbled.

“I don’t know what we were,” she admitted again, going back into a slump, looking at what must have been an incredibly interesting file cabinet. “He proposed to me, you know.”

She just said it like that. Like it was nothing. Or at least, there was nothing I could read or understand in her voice.

“Only right after Bowser did,” she sighed, shaking her head. She stared at her hand, probably wondering why there wasn’t a drink in it. “So of course, I said no. I’m nobody’s property. Couldn’t he have gotten it in his head to do it on his own? Maybe I would have changed my mind…”

My brother was always like that, wasn’t he? Not quite the most imaginative person. But that’s okay.

“And now?” She sat up, glaring at that file cabinet. “Now I can’t change my mind. Now it’s too late. I can only wonder what I could have done differently, or if I should have done anything differently. I’m stuck here, trapped in my own office, kidnapped by my own terrible decisions.”

I wondered. Was my brother’s death harder on her than it was me? Should I console her? Did she deserve it? Did I deserve it? I said nothing.

“I’m sorry, Luigi,” she said again, to the point where I hated hearing it. “I told myself I wouldn’t get like this in front of you when we met again. It’s just you and him, you… look so…” She tore her eyes away from me. Is this what it’s like when I look away from someone? Do I look that pathetic?

What did she want from me anyway?

“Hm? Oh. The investigation, yes.” Her voice sounded so different. It stiffened. “It’s as I’ve told you. I have no control over anything here right now. I am not kept in the know. Rosalina left Special Agent Geno in charge. I merely asked to see you as you waited for Geno. That is probably the most I can do.”

So, she just wanted to apologize to me then.

“Yes. Not as a chief of police, but as a friend of Mario’s.” She nodded. “You meant the world to him, you know.”

She must have expected me to say something there.

Her face went still, and she unclasped her hands, trying to relax. “I should have let someone else investigate Captain Toad’s murder. I know that now. I was just worried that I’d be responsible for even more deaths.”

She didn’t need to justify herself to me.

“But I _shouldn’t_ have worried about that.” Her eyes went stony. “I _am_ responsible. Of course, I’m responsible for it. That’s why I’m going to step down and-”

“No,” I said.

Her eyes widened. “Hm?”

It’d be a waste if she stepped down. Everything Mario had worked for, and everything he’d done! I knew Mario wouldn’t have allowed it, and he wouldn’t have wanted it. It doesn’t matter what _I_ want or what _she_ wants. She needed to keep being Chief Toadstool, she needed to keep protecting the city the best she could. For Mario’s sake. She knew better now. She’d do better now.

“I… hm.” Peach closed her mouth, losing herself in thought. “You’ve given me a lot to think about, Luigi. I’ll consider it.”

I didn’t say anything. Nothing I could have said would matter anyway.

The door opened back up, letting the doom and gloom out. “Luigi! Hey! It’s Goombella!” she said, pushing the door open with her face. “Geno’s totally ready to see you now. That cool?”

I shrugged.

Goombella looked at the Chief’s shape, eyes full of concern. Peach merely nodded, adding before we left, “Make sure you close the door behind you, Luigi.”

“I-I could have done that,” Goombella protested as I shut the door, leaving Chief Peach to her thoughts.

We scooched past a few more anxious Toads, making our way to the back of the station, where things were slightly less hectic. Goombella appeared to be in more of a chipper mood at least. She seemed so sad before.

“So, here’s the deal, we have a prime suspect, Luigi,” Goombella said as she waddled by, deftly dodging a hungry Luma. “I can’t believe we did it, er, well, _Geno_ did it, but we managed to get Smithy in here.”

My heart went as malleable as a piece of molten metal. Smithy was here?

“Don’t you worry,” Goombella reassured me. “Smithy may be a being from the stars, but so is Geno, y’know?” She grinned and did a cliché heroic impression. “He ‘called upon the powers of a higher authority’ to limit Smithy’s power.” She winked. “That’s Rosalina, you know. Some tall mysterious lady. I think she’s, like, a goddess? Weird, I know.”

That wasn’t quite the reason I was afraid to see Smithy, but I supposed it was reassuring. If he really was the murderer… I don’t know if I could handle seeing him again. I didn’t want to think about it.

“Anyway, Geno’s a bit of a weird guy, but he’s SUPER nice, so, like, don’t worry too much when you meet him, okay?” Goombella looked at me with concerned eyes. It was almost frightening how well she already knew me. “He’s inside here.” She stared up at the doorknob, eyebrows furrowed. “… Again, I can get it, but it’s kind of embarrassing to do it in front of people. Could you?...”

I nodded, opening the door cautiously and stepping into the dimly lit room. It was not very spacious and consisted mostly of a very large window that looked into another larger room. There were a few chairs, a table, and for some odd reason, a coatrack placed in front of the window with a blue hat and coat over it. This must have been a one-way window where the police could watch the suspect from the safety of their room without the suspect seeing them.

I didn’t see any Geno though. Maybe he was on break? Or maybe he was in the interrogation room with Smithy. I was too afraid to look in there.

The coatrack turned to me and spoke. “Ah! Luigi! It is an honor to finally meet you!” It bowed graciously, and I noticed a cute tuft of red hair poking out from underneath the hat. “I am Special Agent Geno of the Galactic Bureau of Investigation.” He held out a wooden hand to me.

Wah! Why do I keep thinking people are inanimate objects!? Why do I keep getting shocked and embarrassing myself in front of everyone!? At the very least, Geno didn’t flinch at my shriek. Very polite of him! I clasped my hand around his and he gave me a nice firm handshake.

He let out a hearty laugh, his hollow wooden body thrumming with a relaxing hum. Sort of like a wind chime made of wood?

“I suppose I should have warned you that I am temporarily inhabiting this doll’s body. I have gotten so used to it, I tend to forget.”

Ah. A wooden doll. I didn’t know stars could do that? But I guess it made sense. Considering all the talking mushrooms, upright turtles, and gods from different dimensions, this wasn’t exactly the strangest thing I’d seen.

A tiny light popped up in front of my face, revealing an incredibly honest smile. “Hi there, Luigi! I’m Twink! Geno’s assistant! I help out with basic stuff, but one day I’m gonna be as strong as Geno! You can count on it!”

Oh! Another star spirit. This one was clearly quite young, but also wasn’t a Luma like the others. Seemed he didn’t have the power to inhabit a body like Geno yet, but he was cute all the same. Looked like how a child would draw a star. Smiley face and all. I wondered… is that what Geno’s true form looked like too?

Geno let out another relaxing laugh. “Ah, Twink, you still have a ways to go. Would you mind giving Luigi, Goombella, and I the room? I’m afraid we have rather serious matters to discuss, and I do not wish to burden your young mind with it.”

Twink tried to hide his disappointment but failed. “Aw. Well, okay. J-just let me know if you need anything, all right?”

“I will, Twink,” Geno said as the little star slipped through the doorway. He motioned toward the basic table and chairs. “Would you like a seat? We have much to discuss. I hope that is all right.”

Like always, I didn’t feel like I had an actual choice in the matter. Polite or not. I could sense a strong other-worldly power emanating from this doll, and despite his kind appearance, I didn’t exactly want to get on his bad side. Goombella hopped up on a chair across from me, her familiar face calming my nerves. She gave me a reassuring smile. ‘ _Don’t worry so much, Luigi.’_

Geno didn’t sit. He turned to the one-way window, looking into the interrogation room. His personality seemed to flip like a switch. The calm polite aura I had felt before swapped with a justice fueled determination. “As you can see, we finally have that terrible Smithy in custody. For now.”

I didn’t see. I guess it was important I did? I suppose I had to, didn’t I? I peered through the window finally.

Smithy’s huge lumbering form sulked against the wall. The Crystal Star embedded in his chest was nowhere to be seen. Rays of glimmering light held his arms back, twinkling like a starry night. He kept his head down, but I could _feel_ the rage burning inside him like a star about to go supernova. His sledgehammer twitched against the restraints, needing to hammer, needing to create or destroy, anything! But Geno would not allow it.

Worry sank down into my stomach. If a man or god or whatever this thing were to break free?... Who knows what would happen. We were sitting near an active volcano just waiting for it to explode, and it’d be no one’s fault but our own for being in its way.

“It’s been my mission to capture this monster,” Geno growled, back turned to us. “But he’s always just followed the rules enough. Although…” A noise escaped him that could have been described as a laugh, but it was much too angry. “He tended to make his own law, didn’t he? I suppose crafty is implied in his name.”

“Good one!” Goombella said cheerfully.

“Thanks.” He coughed, which mostly sounded like a wooden grunt. “Anyways, my mission is not important to you, Luigi.” He turned to me, and whatever murderous aura I sensed before was gone. “What’s important now is serving you and serving justice to your brother’s killer.”

For some reason that didn’t make me feel any better.

“We’ve gotten reports on the cause of death. Would you be all right with hearing them? I realize this must be difficult for you, but maybe it would be best to know.”

Sure. Couldn’t make me feel any worse.

“As you must already be aware, seems he was struck from behind by an extremely hot blow to the head,” Geno said stonily, keeping his eyes on mine.

“Same with Captain Toad,” Goombella added. “Exactly the same, almost. That’s why I also suspected maybe Bowser…”

Geno nodded. “I will not argue with you on that front. The scorch marks do imply fire certainly, which Bowser is more than capable of. However, if it were Bowser’s fire breath, we could assume that there’d be more scorch marks wouldn’t there? Bowser can’t contain his flames so simply.”

“Yeah, I know,” Goombella said with a sigh. She wasn’t frustrated with Geno, merely with the case. “Not to mention both bodies were found in Smithy’s territory.”

“Exactly.” Geno nodded energetically. “The results on the cause of death have become clearer. Strong magic was used.” He looked out again through the window. “And Smithy is one of the most magical beings in the city.”

Goombella made a skeptical face. “One of.”

This upset him. His wooden hand curled into a fist, rattling. “Yes. I am aware. And the most recent reports now have added something else. Given us more details on said magic that was used.”

Geno didn’t go on. Apparently, this was a very sore subject for him.

Goombella sighed. “Today, right after we brought in Smithy for questioning, another report came down from Twink. The _type_ of magic used to kill Mario was **dark magic**.”

I blinked. Did that matter? Wasn’t all magic dark?

Geno pressed a fist down against a platform, making a soft thunk. He did not punch. His anger was controlled well enough. “It matters. Smithy is a being from the stars. His magic is similar to mine. Star magic. Almost the very opposite of dark magic.”

“Magikoopas are very well versed in dark magic for example,” Goombella said helpfully. “Kammy Koopa especially.”

“So much of the evidence points to Smithy, however.”

“Exactly,” Goombella said. “It’s all too easy, isn’t it? Yet the one piece of evidence that was hardest to obtain doesn’t point to him.”

“I was overeager,” Geno admitted. “He is still my primary suspect, but now I, too, am having doubts. I am not going to enjoy returning the Crystal Star to him if it turns out I’m wrong. Better than it being a piece of Star Road I suppose.”

(Goombella leaned over and whispered to me, “Smithy made a deal with Geno and the others. Claimed the Star Piece from Star Road was _his_ property since it landed in _his_ building, even though he was the reason Star Road broke. Geno and the others made a deal and traded a Crystal Star for it which has similar powers but isn’t imperative to making wishes come true.”)

Oh. Um. Nice piece of information, I guess. Goombella just really liked explaining things, didn’t she? And all of that’s nice and everything, but what did it have to do with me?

“Desperate times call for desperate measures,” Geno replied. “I was hoping to hear your version of the story, Luigi. Hear any speculation or theories you might have. You seem to be a bit more talkative now than a week ago.”

Speculations? Theories? Me? What could I offer? I wasn’t a detective like my brother, and I’d never be one. All I did a week ago was wonder around aimlessly and stumble onto things I wish I hadn’t seen.

Geno’s eyes shone with that starry gleam. “But you must have your own thoughts, Luigi. I know you do. Forgive me, but I have seen your wishes. There is more to you than you must think.”

Huh? He’s seen my wishes?! I wished he wouldn’t do that!

Geno nodded. “Duly noted.” (Note: I did not say that last part out loud or even mumble it.)

Well, again, what could I offer? Only the obvious. I suppose Kammy Koopa could have done it, or Bowser could have ordered a Magikoopa as well, and then tried to pin it on Smithy, but that didn’t exactly seem right. Smithy and Bowser aren’t even on bad terms! Plus, as mean as Bowser is, I wasn’t sure if he could really kill my brother. If so, why now? What reason could he have?

The only one left really would be Cackletta, and surely, they’d have thought about it. She’s known for her lying backstabbing ways, and especially her powerful dark magic. Not to mention I _did_ see her experimenting on one of Smithy’s henchmen too. But that’s all obvious stuff.

Goombella’s mouth gaped open more than a Boo’s. “It… it’s not obvious if you don’t tell anyone, Luigi!!”

Huh? Didn’t they know? Surely Toadette must have mentioned some of this. If someone like me knew that, then professionals probably did too.

Geno went stiff, or at least, stiffer than usual. “She did. However, she was also extremely emotional. Most of her recurring of last week’s events were rushed and…” He winced just at the thought. “Yelled very loudly and angrily.”

“I heard she mentioned _something_ about a metal _something_!” Goombella strained her brain. “That Cackletta was experimenting on. But I wasn’t there that day! I got this all second hand!”

Geno looked away, embarrassed. “And I was obsessed with taking Smithy in. I did not push the issue further.”

Huh. Really? I thought I was just stupid. The last person to admit to talking to my brother was Cackletta as well. I figured that Smithy just didn’t pay attention or his minions were a little on the slow side… which they are! But, I guess, yeah, Cackletta was the last person to see him, wasn’t she? Or at least the last person I knew of.

“I knew it,” Goombella said under her breath. “I knew it couldn’t have been Smithy.”

Geno shook his head, arms crossed. “Still, while all that sounds plausible, it’s not enough to say for sure one way or the other. We need a little more than this.”

The door shot open with a _bang_ , practically falling off its hinges. A small pink figure stood proudly, holding a miserable green thing in her arms.

“Oh yeah? How about this?” Toadette said cooly, tossing Popple’s battered body to the floor. “Oh, uh. Sorry about the door. I was waiting outside for a good time to come in and I got a little excited.”

“Toadette?!” Geno and Goombella cried out in unison. Goombella’s eyes shone with power stars.

“What’s the big idea, ya dumb broad?!” Popple whined, rubbing his bruised behind. “You’s pigs can’t treat me like this! Ain’t there a law or somethin’ to prevent this?!”

Toadette was so smug. “I’m not a cop.”

“Woo!” Gombella hollered, hopping with excitement. “Although, gotta say, what you’re doing now still isn’t _totally_ legal, cop or no, but y’know!”

Geno nodded. He really liked doing that. Made him look more stoic. “She is correct, but I am more than capable of forgetting what happened as my priorities lie with finding a murderer, not a thief.” He knelt over the steamed Popple, those eyes of his shimmering like black holes. “Do you understand?”

Popple ground his teeth together, his face turning as red and ugly as a Christmas sweater. “I don’t know nothin’s!”

Goombella sighed. “Geno’s saying he’s willing to forget your thievery if you work with us, you creep. Also, he’s GBI, dude.”

That last part really changed his tune. “GBI!?” Popple repeated, his red rage vanishing, replaced by a cowardly yellow. “Listen heres, I ain’t want nothing to do with no Galaxy pigs!” I counted all those negatives he used on my fingers. Three, in case you were wondering.

“Then talk, ya numbskull!” Toadette said, mimicking his cliché speech mannerisms.

A fuming fungus and a deadly doll’s glare did quite a bit to loosen Popple’s preposterous pottymouth. “All rights, all rights! Can’t believe Rookie left me like slop for the pigs…”

“Maybe you shouldn’t have been stupid enough to try and rob Chef Torte _again_ and then maybe you shouldn’t have yelled at Waluigi when he didn’t like the idea,” Toadette grumbled.

“Shadow Thief Popple ain’t never not thieved a place he intended on thievin’!!!” Popple screeched. Okay, he lost me there.

“Enough of this,” Geno commanded gently. “Tell us what you know. Do you work for Cackletta?”

“Oh, just cuz I’m a Bean, I must know the evillest Bean in the whole worlds!?” Popple shouted, arms crossed stubborn-like.

Toadette narrowed her eyes. “You did know her. You told me as much.”

“W-well he don’t know that, ya dumb broad!” Popple shouted.

“Ugh, do I need to bonk some sense into him?” Goombella asked grumpily.

“Fine! Fine!” Popple conceded, reflexively shielding his soft head. “I will says, I ain’t workin’ for that old hag! She had a request for _me_ , see? Shadow Thief Popple works alone! Or, er, with a good partner, usually, but Popple’s his own boss, see!?”

Even for a possibly million-year-old star, Geno’s patience was starting to wear thin. “We see. Get to the point.”

Popple continued, rubbing his chin in thought as he told us what happened.

…

Well, Ol’ Popple wanted to move up in the world, see?! Shadow Thieves have to steal more than some old lady’s purse or from stupid orphanages, see?! My old partner, Croco, was a swell guy, but a real palooka and didn’t understand the importance of movin’ up! So when this big wig, Cackletta, asks specifically for me, of course I says to ‘em, I says, “Yes!”

So’s I meet the old hag at her weird tower. “Awful gaudy,” I says to myself, I says! Awful ugly, too! Piece of junk ain’t even had a single thing worth stealing neither, can you’s believe that?! Anyways, so’s I’m in the tower and those dumb Snifits call her down…

Eh? What’s that green ‘stache? You’s says those Snifits ain’t dumb and I should apologize? Why I outta…

“Focus!” Geno ordered.

Yeah, yeah, star boy! So’s I’m talkin’ to this dumb old hag, Cackletta right? Totally crazy broad, lemme tell you! Teeth like a Chain Chomp that one! It ain’t right! But whatever, so, crazy hag tells me she wants me to do some thievin’! Can you believe it? A thief doin’ thievin’! Ha! ‘Course I accept! I ain’t never been _paid_ to steal! It’s a win-win! What kinda palooka would you take me for?!

Only hang up is the crazy hag wants me to steal somethin’ nice and flashy! Somethin’ big and eye catchin’, see? Has to really get everyone’s attention off of her! She ain’t tell me why, and I ain’t ask, because a thief knows when to keep his mouth shut, see?

“I find that hard to believe,” Goombella groaned.

Nyeeeaaah!!!

So, I says to Cackletta I says, “Why don’t I steal that dumb broad Daisy’s crown? I hear she’s in town!” And boy, I didn’t realize I rhymed there! Heheh, nice.

Aaaanyways, Cackletta’s grin gets even wider! Like, yowza! Nightmare inducin’ wide! She laughs and she tells me that’s perfect! Heh, I ams Popple the Shadow Thief after all, ‘course I’m perfect!

And that’s not all! As if that ain’t enough icing on the proverbial cake, she says to me she says, “And when you steal that crown, you’s should sell it to that fool Smithy for a pretty penny!”

I says to her, “Smithy? That guy’s a nutjob! I’d rather sell to my usual guy, see?”

“ **YOU WILL SELL TO SMITHY. UNDERSTAND?** ”

Boy, lemme tell ya! I ain’t one to get afraid of nothin’ but that old witch? She nearly scared me right back into the ground! So I says to her, I says, “Sure thing, boss!” She likes that, bein’ called boss, I can tells. Idiots love to be called boss!

“Good, good! Now, I’s only got one last request for you’s,” Cackletta says to me. “I want you’s to keep robbing, keep stealing, see? And I wants you to use that big mouth of yours to tell everyone you stole that crown! If anyone asks, say that palooka Bowser has it!”

“But, ain’t I sellin’ it to Smithy?” I says to her.

“Of course, you are, ya dumb idiot!” she rudely says to me. Why if she weren’t some kinda demon witch, I’da slugged her! “I want you to sow confusion in the garden of New Donk, see? Lies and misinformation! Simple, see?”

So’s I nod along! I don’t gets why she wants me to do it, but do I cares? No way! I asks her, I asks “You’s gots a weapon for me? Any kind of dark magics to help me do a little robbin’ in case fellas get a bit cheeky?”

Dumb hag just waves me off and says to me, she says, “Just take a Fire Flower from the back, will ya? My palooka Snifits have a whole garden of them growing off to the side! Now begones with youse!”

‘Course I take a flower from there! Fire Flower’s are great for robbin’. And well’s, I suppose you’s idiots know the rest don’t ya? I stole that dumb broad’s crown, sold it to Smithy, then I went around robbin and blabbin’!

…

Marissa! The Fire Flower from before! I remembered a flower was missing from the garden back at Cackletta’s Tower. Oh no, I should have known Marisa was stolen! Maybe I should bring her back to her family… But Charlie seemed so happy with her!...

“But why?” Toadette mused aloud, hand at her chin.

Why was Marissa so happy with Charlie? Oh, well you see, Charlie has a great personality! He’s so very good at listening, and I think Marissa could really understand that-

“Uh, Luigi?” Goombella asked, eyes wide with worry and confusion. “What the hell are you talking about?”

“S-sorry!” I grumbled, resuming my place in the background where I most certainly belonged.

Toadette sighed. “I meant, why did Cackletta do it? This is all well-and-good, but why did she kill Mario?”

Geno nodded. “My thoughts exactly.”

Goombella rocked back and forth on her feet in thought. “I can’t say it goes against her personality. Cackletta is _totally_ the type to kill first, ask questions later.”

“But, still,” Geno huffed, arms crossed. “Why? Cackletta may be a selfish black hearted witch, but she is not stupid. Killing an extremely well-known detective could only bring trouble, and she must have known that.”

Toadette blinked slowly. The kind of blink you get when you solve the mystery. The kind of blink where everything sort of falls into place! But… it’s also the kind of blink where you figure _everything_ out. That means _everything_. Even the things you don’t want to think about.

“My brother,” she said softly, looking confused as to why her voice was so quiet.

Geno’s eyes lit up like a pair of quasars. “Of course! How could I have been so blind?!”

“Ohmigosh, that’s it!” Goombella stamped her feet down on the table, practically falling off its rocking form. “Mario was investigating the Captain’s murder, and he found himself at Cackletta’s place! He must have figured it out himself! He must have known that…”

“They killed Captain Toad!” Geno interrupted, unable to contain his starry energy anymore. “Possibly by accident, possibly on purpose, but Cackletta and Fawful were sure to be found out! Mario must have threatened to arrest them or tell the police!”

“And those two being the scum bags they are…” Goombella growled through her fangs. “They thought there was no other way. Kill Mario. Keep him quiet. Pin the murders on Smithy. It’s a win-win for them! No more hero to stand in their way, no more Smithy to guard his territory! She takes over his factory, gets his minions, and soon she’s strong enough to take on Bowser! Then it’d only be a matter of time before the whole city was under her control…”

“Wow,” Popple said with a grin. “Youse guys is good. Here I figured’s musta been that Bowser fella what done the moidering. Good thing I ain’t kills nobody and make youse all mad! Anyways, glads I could help ya filthy pigs, but I gotta scram, see?”

Popple found his collar grabbed mid-slink, stopping his getaway.

“Hold it,” Geno said, fingers pressing splinters into Popple’s shirt. “Toadette, would you mind taking Popple to see his old partner in his cell? Keep him there for a while.”

“What the!!!” Popple screeched, steaming himself red with fury. “You’s doublecrossin’ no good’ galactic gas head!! Youse said I was free to go if I talked, and I did’s!” He struggled, but Geno was like an ancient tree in the woods, holding the angry little Bean with ease.

“Hm,” Geno fake pondered. “I suppose I did. But, you see, you also wished you could ‘ _See your old pal, Croco, again_ ,’ remember? I would be quite the terrible Wish Agent if I didn’t fulfill your wish.”

“THEM’S IS PRIVATE WISHES!” Popple screamed, his entire body red with every emotion that comes with that color. “I ain’t never wished somethin’ so stupid!! Youse is puttin’ words in my mouth, you!! You!! P-palooka!!”

“Right,” Geno said simply, and while he didn’t have the ability to grin, we all knew he was. “Toadette, would you be so kind? As one not affiliated with the police force anymore, we could say you’re acting on behalf of a Wish Agent. While you’re doing that, Luigi and Goombella and I will go have a little chat with Cackletta.”

“- _so I aint’s never had a Rookie like him, so?? Not like I’s-”_

Toadette frowned, completely ignoring Popples’ protests. “What? You’re taking them, but not me? I should be going with you! You can’t say it’s because it’s police business if Luigi is coming along.”

Wait. Why were we all just assuming I was going to tag along?

“ _-not to mention thems crocodile skin crocs! Great taste by the way-”_

Geno was not one to mince words. He stared at her sternly, keeping the writhing Popple up in the air. “You are tired, Toadette.”

“Ugh, that more of your invasive little star magic?” Toadette crossed her arms.

“ _-he always saves me a cigar, too, which, yeah, that is pretty nice-”_

“No,” Goombella said, jumping off the table and waddling over to Toadette. “Anyone can tell you’re tired. Your eyes, for one, are a dead giveaway.”

Toadette reflexively touched her face, feeling the dark lines under her eyes.

“You’ve been running around this rainy city all by yourself. Your shirt’s on backwards,” Goombella continued. Toadette looked down, blushing. I didn’t wanna say anything about that. Seemed rude. “You’re missing one of your cute pink mushrooms at the end of your pigtails…”

Toadette gawked, running her hands over her hair. Sure enough, one of her mushrooms was gone, leaving part of her pink hair all frizzy and a bit lopsided. Again! I didn’t want to mention that! Felt rude! But I guess Goombella knew better.

“ _-I’ve had a girlfriends, see? Birdo! And that broad, she… wait, she?… oh man-”_

“I-I,” Toadette stammered, her palms looking awfully shaky. “I didn’t know. I, uh, I guess I used that mushroom for a little boost to catch Popple.” She glared at said Bean. “Who, by the way, should probably shut up now if he doesn’t want to make things worse for himself.”

“- _likes, I loves the guy, but I don’t LOVE loves the guy,”_ Popple found himself saying. All eyes were back on him and suddenly his mouth went from a babbling brook, to a silent sheepy grin. “Oh. Uh. Yeah.” And that was the last we heard of him.

“Then it is settled!” Geno said cheerily, always happy to have his way. “I shall have Twink escort you home afterwards, Toadette. You have aided us greatly today. Without your help, I do not think we would be able to bring these killers to justice.” He handed her the mushy bag of beans that was Popple.

She took his collar in her hands without so much as a glance. “They haven’t been brought to justice yet!”

“Oh, but they will,” Geno assured her. “You do not have to wish upon a star for this.”

“Fine,” Toadette huffed, dragging Popple across the ground as she walked through the door. “I’m not gonna wish for it. I’ll leave the rest to you guys, and I swear, if you guys don’t come back, I’ll never trust anyone ever again!”

Goombella called out to her with a grin. “You can trust me, girl! You’ve always been able to! Don’t you worry! We got this!”

… Again, with this ‘ _we’_ stuff! Why am I being dragged along?? Everyone else has been going through personal growth! Toadette’s learned to trust people, Goombella’s learning to believe in herself, Popple’s probably got a lot of strange feelings to come to terms with, and yet I still haven’t learned how to say no?! Where’s _my_ character development?!

Geno was rummaging through what appeared to be an old filthy closet for some reason. “You are free to leave whenever you like, Luigi. You don’t have to come if you truly don’t want to. But I believe you want to help.”

Huh? I really can leave if I want? I’m not forced to go?

A broom fell onto the floor, and for a moment I was worried that might have been Geno’s aunt. He let out a pleased grunt before pulling out some old janitor equipment.

“Of course. You were never forced to do anything. You have already done so much, and all because you have a good heart. But for the sake of politeness, I’ll ask. Will you aid us in our arrest for Cackletta? I do not ask as a Galactic Agent, or a Wish Agent. I ask merely as a friend of Mario’s. You may refuse if you so wish.”

???

???

???

“Okey-dokey,” I said with a confident(?) nod.

“Yay!” Goombella cheered, hopping up and down. “I knew you were a good guy, Luigi!”

I was inclined to disagree, but I kept my mouth shut. Also, I guess, it felt nice? Like, like there was a Fire Flower in my chest, but like not one that hurt? Like a Marissa and Charlie kind of Fire Flower. I couldn’t say I understood what it meant.

“I knew we could count on you,” Geno said, handing me a dusty old vacuum for some reason. Did they just want me to clean up? “I spoke with Professor E. Gadd about borrowing your Poltergust 3000 as a backup in case I needed your help. I’m glad I did. You are familiar with this, no?”

Wowie! The Poltergust 3000! It’d been years since I used that! I suppose I was rather good with cleaning equipment, and I _did_ use this to suck up terrifying creatures that didn’t belong in this world. And I’m not even talking about the Boos! That old hotel was so filled with dust bunnies…

I slid my hands through the straps easily. The vacuum’s cool metal exterior at my back was a foreign yet familiar sensation. I found my hands near the nozzle, at the ready to pull it out and switch it on at a moment’s notice. Strange how it all came flooding back to me so easily.

“Wow, Luigi,” Goombella cooed. “You look like a total pro with that on!”

Somehow, I could tell Geno was smiling. “Good. Good! Your brother would be proud. Let us waste no more time! Come!”

I noticed too late that I was idly touching my mustache as they praised me. Was it getting hot? It felt like someone turned the heater on, but just on my cheeks. I wasted no time leaving that dark and cramped room with the other two.

The raspy Toads and the giggling Lumas felt like a breath of fresh air. Before we headed out of the police station, Geno had a quick word with Twink who was nodding along, his eyebrows furrowed as he listened as hard as he could.

“Don’t let Smithy free, yet, understand?” Geno said sternly. “We will return his ill-gotten Crystal Star, but later. When all this is over.” His puppet body slumped over in a deep sigh. “He’s gonna be so smug,” he grumbled, that ultra-serious façade falling apart for just a moment.

“Got it! I’ll keep wishing to Rosalina to keep him in custody till you get back!” Twink replied, closing his eyes and gritting his teeth as he wished just… way harder than he needed to.

“Good. And when you get the chance, please watch over Toadette too. She will-”

I wasn’t able to eavesdrop on the rest of his conversation. It turned out it really _was_ getting hotter, and it wasn’t because I was embarrassed.

“ **GRRRRRRAAAAAAH! WHERE IS HE?! WHERE IS SMITHY?!** ” a voice exploded into the police station, his breath alone knocking a few Toads to the floor. Er. Well I was on the floor too, but that was because I was scared.

“B-B-Bowser!!” the Toads shrieked, papers flying through the air in a tornado of panic. Sure, they were police officers, but… they were Toads first and foremost. A Toads’ best quality was panicking.

“That’s right, nerds!” Bowser roared, stomping over the broken-down doors.

The monstrous Koopa could barely fit in the building, but honestly? It was strange he could fit in at all. Last time I saw him, he was as big as a small house! It was almost like Bowser’s size just changed to whatever was convenient to him.

“Now, where is he? Where’s Smithy!? He’s the guy who offed that stupid plumber, right?!”

Even through all the charred flaming papers and the slightly cooked Toads, I managed to see Chief Peach, Geno, and even Goombella rushing through the tide of panicked mushrooms.

“Ugh!” Peach protested, stamping her foot down in all the chaos. “We have enough trouble without _you_ ruining things even more, Bowser! We had an agreement! You shouldn’t be here!” Well, at least she seemed a bit more perked up since I last saw her just a while ago.

Bowser’s rage seemed to subside at Peach’s powerful glare. “Y-yeah, well! I’m not here to kidnap or cause any trouble!” he said, wiping the broken glass, and charred wood off his feet. “I just wanna make that Smithy pay!”

Peach pressed her fingers against her temples as she tried to stay professional amidst it all. “We have it under control! Why in the world do you care about this anyway?”

He used one of his massively sharp claws to scratch at his chin. “I-I don’t care! Just, you know! Mario was _my_ enemy! _I_ should have been the guy to kill him!” He furrowed his furry brows, attempting to glare back at the chief of police. “Besides! You guys never get things done! If anyone’s gonna avenge Mario’s death, it’ll be me! Now, lemme at Smithy already!”

Huh? Avenge Mario? Bowser?...

“That’s quite enough, Bowser!” Geno jumped before the monster, body glowing with star power. “I’ll have you know that Smithy is no longer our primary suspect! You would do well to stop interfering with GBI.”

“Yeah!” Goombella hopped up on a crumbled desk next to Geno. “Where’s Kammy anyway? Shouldn’t she be stopping you from doing stupid things like this?”

“Damn dopey doll!” Bowser growled, trying to act tough, but refusing to take a step forward. “Just because you were an ally once, doesn’t mean I gotta listen to you! And you!” He glared at Goombella. “ _You_ should be listening to _me_! These Toads don’t care about you! Kammy _did_ try to stop me, but here’s the thing? I’m the biggest Koopa who makes all of the rules! I don’t gotta listen to anyone!”

Peached groaned. “Maybe you should listen to the part where Smithy is no longer their primary suspect?”

Bowser froze. Again, he tried to keep that angry snarl at his maw but sweat dripped drown his cheeks. “…Really?”

“That’s right, you Koopa klutz!” Goombella shouted right in his face, completely unaware that he could gobble her up in one bite.

“…Oh.” Bowser said dumbly, his mouth agape. “Well, uh. Who… did do it then?”

“Evidence points to Cackletta currently,” Geno said simply. “Not that I should share this information with you, but it appears you would have gotten it sooner or later.”

“Ew, that hag?!” Bowser’s tune changed completely, his arms crossed. “Yeah, no, you guys can deal with that. I don’t want to mess with her.” He looked around the paper flooded station, filled with crying Toads and maybe a few small fires here and there. “…Sorry.”

Angry tapping could be heard over the chaos. Peach made her way back in front of the so-called King of Koopas. “Well! You can at least help clean up the mess you made here! And if you _really_ want to help, you can make sure Smithy doesn’t cause any trouble once we release him!”

“Aw man, come on! Do I have to?” he whined. “I’ll just go back, and we can forget this ever happened!”

“Absolutely not!” Peach commanded, her aura of leadership returning. “Now that GBI is involved, I could always have a word to Rosalina about your behavior. How does that sound? I imagine Kammy will give you an earful for this, too.”

“All right, all right!” Bowser cried, throwing his arms into the air like an angsty teenager. “I’ll do it, just stop yelling at me! You twerps better give that Cackletta a trouncing for this! I shouldn’t be the only one getting my plans foiled around here!”

“You can count on us!” Goombella cheered, hopping over to the station’s exit with Geno. “Come on, Luigi! It’s time to finally get something done!”


	11. You'll Try, Try Again

Lightning and thunder cackled in a black sky, its razor-sharp teeth biting down thunderbolts into the earth. Cackletta’s Tower loomed over us, its tilted figure seemingly threatening to collapse at a moment’s notice, crushing us in an instant, suffocating us in its metal and plaster.

This is it, Luigi. This is where Mario died. This is where you have to confront an ancient witch whose power seemed to be matched only by the most terrible of demons. You can do this. You have a a vacuum at your side, a doll, and the world’s most notoriously pathetic minion… a Goomba. Should be no problem, right?

Goombella glared my way, somehow able to tell I was _thinking_ rude thoughts about Goombas. I apologized before she even opened her mouth.

Chief Toadstool was kind enough to lend us a police car for our travels. Or perhaps she knew Geno would take one regardless of what she said. Either way, he was very clear about being the driver, leaving Goombella and I in the back seat. Less suspicious he said. Although, I fail to see how a doll driving a police car wasn’t suspicious.

We parked out in front of the tower across the street. Rain poured down like brimstone, pounding into the car so hard that the roof creaked. It wasn’t raining this much last time I was here. Wind howled across the empty city, sucking up any litter, trash, or posters into the dark maw in the sky.

“Nervous?” Geno asked, turning from the front seat to us, his wooden face revealing nothing as usual.

Nervous? Nervous!? Of course I was nervous! I was a Koopa without a shell! I was a Cheep Cheep out of water! (Goombella informed me that Cheep Cheep’s actually don’t have much trouble out of water if they have the proper training.) I was a Yoshi without anything to eat! I was…

I was a Mario Brother without the brother.

“Nah, I’m not scared,” Goombella said with a toothy grin, although I saw the way she shook, heard the lightness in her voice. Anyone else might not have picked up on it, but I am a professional coward, and I can see the signs of fear. “I’ve been up against worse.”

“I’m not quite sure you have,” Geno said without humor. “I have gone toe to toe with Smithy, a demi-god or possibly even a god, and even I am unsure of Cackletta’s power.”

“Hmm, well not much is known about her,” Goombella went on, staring outside the rainy windows, using my lap to get a better view. She really did not understand personal space. “But even if she is a witch with powers from the underworld? I’ve dealt with similar things.”

Yes, but you had Mario with you, I reminded her.

That cut into her confidence. Goombella bit her lip. “Y-y’know! You can be a bit of a downer, Luigi!”

I knew that! All too well! At least she wasn’t stuck with me like I was!

Geno shushed us. “Quiet! Look! Someone is approaching the tower!”

A small green fellow cloaked in red slogged miserably through the rain, an enormous metal knife in his scrawny arms. Swirly glasses hid dangerous eyes. A large mouth filled to the brim with teeth bit down into a harsh frown as he lugged the thing towards the door. He wore a strange metal contraption atop his head, but it was looking as slumped, broken, and out of fuel as he was.

“That’s Fawful!” Goombella pointed out, pressing her face against the window alongside me. Considering she’d never seen the Bean in person, she was certainly accurate. “And what’s that he’s got?... Mack!”

Geno’s voice held a rare uncertainty. “Mack?”

“That’s one of Smithy’s lieutenants,” Goombella said in her explanation mode. “Probably the weakest of the bunch, but still one of his top men. He’s known for commanding the Shysters, his love of all things bouncy, and awful fire magic.”

And as per usual, we got her opinion on him, too.

“Real tacky guy, honestly. He’s literally just a giant knife with eyeballs and a spring between his hilt and his blade so he can bounce around. That’s it! Totally uncreative.”

Geno was stunned. “How in the world do you know more about Smithy’s army than I?”

“Honestly?” Goombella paused, unsure if she wanted to reveal her secrets. “… Internet.”

“Ah.”

“Yeah. I do a lot of research on Mushipedia.”

“Still! Very impressive memory and research skills.”

“Thanks, but like, uh…” She squinted, trying her best to stare through the misty rain. “Does it look like Mack is dead to you guys too?”

I strained as well, pressing my nose down against the glass, trying to get the annoying bulbous thing out of my vision for once.

Mack was as she described. A giant knife with eyes and some springs. There was not much to him besides the occasional red of Smithy’s insignia, but even that was hard to see as it looked like the knife monster had taken some fatal damage. Sparks and wires leaked out of his hilt between his eyes, and oil spewed onto the ground haphazardly, leaking into the concrete and most certainly under Fawful’s fingernails. Yuck.

“I am not sure if the thing is dead, or if it was ever even truly alive,” Geno mused. “But I believe it may still be functional. Look. Its eye twitched.”

“Hmm. Maybe he’s of better use to them alive.” Goombella turned to Geno, still just standing on my lap like that was just an okay thing to be doing. “Shouldn’t we do something? Maybe jump out and nab him? Yell something totally cool like, ‘FREEZE SCUMBAG!’” She screamed that in my ear.

Geno didn’t even flinch. His eyes focused on the target. “Soon. I believe Fawful will alert Cackletta to his presence and most likely unlock that front door. Watch.”

Sure enough, it played out just like Geno thought it would.

“ _Fink-rats!”_ Fawful gurgled, his tiny fists pounding weakly against the door. “Have the opening this instant! Fawful is tired and the wetness is doing a ruin to my cloak!”

A comforting familiar voice wafted into my ears, even way back here and through the thundering rain somehow. Don’t worry about how. Let’s say we could hear them because of star power. Geno probably did it.

“What’s the password?” a sniffly voice asked suspiciously through the now open peep hole in the door.

“I HAVE FURY,” Fawful shouted, his body trembling with weakness and rage. “Have the opening right now or Fawful will be melting you like a cheese of swiss!”

“Oh, dude, yeah, that’s exactly it!” There was probably an unlocking noise before the door swiveled open quickly, revealing the pleasant dark form of my good friends, the Snifits. “Come on in, I guess. Don’t you usually just fly in?”

Fawful ground his teeth together like an avalanche of boulders. “You!... Fink-rat!” he gasped, as Number 1 just watched him attempting to lug the enormous metal monster through the door. “Do you have not eyes with which to see?! Fawful has no fuel left after his daring fight! Have a calling at Cackletta right away! I cannot be bringing this scrap of most heaviness to the top! … Why do you not help Fawful with the carrying!?”

Number 1 shrugged. “You didn’t ask! I thought maybe you just really liked carrying it.”

“GRAH!” Fawful screeched with frustration. “Help Fawful NOW!!!”

“Didn’t you want me to call Gramma down first?” Number 1 was still standing there despite having two potential tasks.

Mack’s body fell to the ground with a wet thud as Fawful’s hands became more preoccupied with attempting to strangle Number 1.

“Teehee!” the Snifit squeaked. “That tickles! Okay! I’ll go get Gramma for you, bud!”

“ _Dodo_!” Fawful was at wit’s end, which is a long way from Joke’s End and way worse. “Stupid feathery fiend! Where is bird?!”

Number 3 appeared in the doorway in the exact same spot as Number 1 had been in. “Oh, I sent him out to get some more Chomp Kibble. You know. For the Chain Chomps. That we own. In case you forgot.”

Fawful turned away from the doorway, his glasses a foggy rage, his mouth a mess of teeth and saliva. For but a moment I could swear I saw the glimmer of a tear run down his cheek. “I have so much hatred for you fink-rats.”

“Shouldn’t we bust ‘em??” Goombella asked worriedly, unable to stand still atop my legs. “Let’s go while the gettin’s good!”

Geno didn’t move a splinter. “Not yet. We want Cackletta in our sights.”

“Here, let me get that pogo-stick for ya, guy,” Number 3 said happily, lifting Mack like the 5-ton machine was just a plastic toy. They quickly scooched into the tower, Beans and all, slamming the door behind them.

Goombella grit her fangs. “I knew we should have made a move!” She quickly opened the door, used my legs like a diving board, and slipped out into the rain, rushing towards the tower’s entrance.

“She is much too impatient.” Geno shook his head, slowly making his way out to follow her. “A brilliant mind, but a rock-hard head. Come, Luigi.” Hm. Reminds me of someone when it comes to a certain smith.

“Okey-dokey,” I replied, following his lead. I made sure to lock up the car doors, turn off the lights, and vacuum up any loose dirt we left on the floor.

As we approached this terrifying tower of torment, I couldn’t help but wonder. Why didn’t we take more Toads? If Cackletta truly is a powerful witch, shouldn’t we send a small army to her arrest?

“A fair question,” Geno said, rain plinking peacefully on his wooden frame. “I suppose it is simply because I wish to minimalize any possible causalities. Maybe for a lesser criminal, an army of Toads and Fire Flowers and Lumas would make things quite simple. But for an evil-doer like Cackletta or Smithy? It is best to take a few of your strongest heroes and get the job done.”

That all made sense except this implied I was a hero.

A small noise escaped out of Geno’s mouth. “Exactly.”

Hm. Maybe Geno wasn’t quite so wise if he thought _I_ was strong.

“Ugh! It’s no good!” Goombella groaned, her mouth gnawing on the door handle. “Already locked!” She allowed herself back on the ground and took a few steps back, narrowing her eyes. “Well, nothing a good bonking can’t solve!”

“Wait,” Geno ordered, freezing the Goomba in her tracks. “You won’t break it down and you’ll alert them to our position.”

Rain drenched Goombella’s bright blonde hair into a dark sticky mess across her blue uniform. “Well! Why don’t you use your fancy star power to knock it down, y’know?”

“It would take quite a bit of energy to break it. I sense that it is reinforced with dark magic. There is another way, but we must be silent. Listen.”

It came from behind the door. It was her. 

A hideous sound slithered into our ears. “Eeeyah ha ha ha! Oh Fawful, you have done well!”

“T-Thank you, oh great Cackletta!” a huffing voice panted. “I have many apologies for being unable to bring this metal machine to the tippiest top of your tower!”

“Oh, that doesn’t matter now! _I’ve_ heard that fool Smithy’s been arrested! And they’ve probably taken that oh so precious Crystal Star away from him too!”

“Aha… yes.” Pant. “More than likely.”

“Hahaha!! Oh yes! With that blockhead Smithy’s power on the same level of a common beetle, I think we’ll find my powers to be a little more persuasive on his ugly creations! And once I control this minion, it will only be a matter of time before I control the rest of Smithy’s army! Then his factory! And then the whole city! Eeeyah ha ha ha!”

“Doesn’t look like any beetle I’ve ever seen,” someone sniffed.

“Quiet, you useless idiot!” Cackletta hissed. “I need concentration for a monster this big.”

A low crackling hum began to fill the air, overpowering the voices inside the tower. We could no longer hear them, and hopefully they couldn’t hear us.

Outside, Goombella looked quite gloomy. “What do we do? We have to stop her!”

Geno turned his head towards the stars. “Hmm. There is a window.”

“Huh? You nuts?” Goombella craned her body to look up. Sure enough, there were some large glass windows overlooking the tower’s entrance. “How are we supposed to get all the way up there? Can you fly or something? Or do you think you can just jump-” she stopped herself mid sentence.

They turned to me. What? What?! No. They didn’t think I could do _that_ did they?

“Mario once told me his jumping skills were only surpassed by your own, Luigi,” Geno said. “If anyone can leap through that window, it’s you.”

“Ohmigosh! He’s totally right!” Goombella said, hardly able to contain her twinkling eyes. “I forgot all about that! I’ve heard that you’re the best jumper in all of New Donk City! Maybe even the whole world!”

Me??? Well. Okay. Not to toot my own horn, but I guess I _am_ pretty decent at jumping. And running, too! Pretty much anything that involves running away, I’ll admit! I’m okay at. And it’s only because I’m related to Mario! It’s nothing to do with my own skills.

“Yeah, yeah, you’re full of self-doubt, we get it!” Goombella groaned. “Let’s skip to the part where you just realize you can do it, jump through that window, and unlock the door for us!”

Geez! So pushy! It’s not like I draw things out _that_ much! I mean, sure I have a lot of thoughts and feelings, but who doesn’t? It’s perfectly normal and-

“Luigi!”

“Okey-dokey!!!” I shrieked, my legs already tensing at the _thought_ of that jump I had to make. The window was more than a few stories up. Hmm. Even for me, this was going to be difficult. Maybe if I…

I felt the cold metal of the Poltergust at my back. It was weighing me down!

…

But what if it did the opposite of that? I reached for the nozzle and pointed it at the ground. As all vacuums have these settings, I set it to ‘blow’ instead of ‘suck’ and dug my shoes down into the concrete, feeling my leg muscles coil up like springs.

I opened my eyes, only realizing I had closed them later. When my sight returned to me, I noticed I was flying high in the rainy air. My body demanded its own survival and scooted itself onto a ledge. My shoes slipped against the edge, slick with rainwater and filth. To my left was the large window into the Tower’s entry way, the glass oozing a purple glow.

“Holy cow, Luigi!” Goombella quietly shouted, looking like nothing more than a pink spec from up here. “You really did it! Not that I didn’t believe in you.”

“Good,” Geno said evenly. Somehow, I could hear him perfectly, like he was right next to my ear. “Now just get through the window and open the front door for us. I know it’s scary, but you can do it, Luigi.”

“O-okey-dokey…” I said shakily, trying to find any surface I could cling to up here. There really wasn’t anything. Just slick rainy walls. How was I supposed to get in through the window? I pressed my body against it in the hopes of defying gravity. Hmm, it didn’t seem like there was an unlocking mechanism around here or a way to slide it open…

Well, as luck or unluck would have it, there was usually always one safe bet on how to open a window.

I heard something crack at my belly. The telltale sign of danger! The telltale sign that a hero should move and be ready! …But I’m not a hero. I just froze up and pressed my body harder against the breaking window.

Before I knew it, the window gave way into a thousand tiny shiny pieces, tumbling down into the foyer, and me screaming along with them.

“Eeeya-what?!” I heard Cackletta groan.

“Yooooooooooo!!! He did it, the absolute madman!” Number 3 cried out. “I mean, not much of a ceiling hole, but you _gotta_ applaud the effort into making a hole for falling through!”

“M-mustache?! _Now!?_ ” Fawful’s voice panted out, too tired to add more.

“You idiots! Someone deal with him!”

The world was a mess of color: yellow, black, green, and purple. I felt the clothy nub of Number 3 helping me up to my feet, wiping the loose glass off my suspenders.

“Hey, man, good to see you again. Really respect your hole-making-and-falling skills! I’ll make sure to tell Number 1 all about it and Number 2 if I ever see him again.”

Huh? M-me? N-Number 3 was respecting and helping me? I .. I knew it! Snifits really are good people!

“You bumbling beetle brains!” Cackletta screeched, her claws pre-occupied with the now floating Mack before her. “I meant end him! Stop him!”

“Oh, show him the door outta here, Gramma?” Number 3 sniffed. “Yeah, okay, makes sense. Come on, guy. _I_ love what you did, but I guess your talent is wasted, I’m gonna have to get you out of here.”

“No, no, **NO**!” Cackletta screamed, the room growing darker at her helpless rage. “Fawful! Do _something!_ I can’t stop this spell once it’s started!”

“Y-yes… Cackletta… o-of course!” Fawful wheezed, panting his way over to me and just sort of… grabbing at my suspenders weakly. I brushed him off politely.

“Anyway, here’s that door I was talkin’ about,” Number 3 said, motioning to said door he was talkin’ about. “Pretty nice door, right? I gotta open it up now. With my hand. The door that is. I’m going to be opening it.” He reached slowly for the knob. “Right now. It’s what I’m doing. Opening the door, that is to say.”

“This isn’t happening!” Cackletta shouted, spit dribbling out of her lips.

“The door being opened?” Number 3 asked, his nub still reaching forward slowly. “No, that is exactly what is happening. The door is being opened riiiiight now.”

“Stop, you fool!!”

 _Click!_ ….. _Wham!_

The door slammed open.

“NDPD, nobody move!” Goombella cried, hopping in valiantly.

“GBI,” Geno said evenly, walking through the front. He held out his star badge.

“Oh, snap,” Number 3 sniffed, freezing in place like a statue. She _did_ say ‘nobody move.’

For once in my life, I got to witness someone _else_ freeze up in terror, see someone _else_ shriek in fear. And somehow, that person was Cackletta! Her eyes widened, and her body practically melted. Her arms were still outstretched over the hovering and writhing Mack.

“Pests! Loathsome pests!” she screeched. “And at the worst possible moment!”

“Do not have the fear, Cackletta…” Fawful wheezed, his sweating crooked body standing before Goombella and Geno. “Fawful… will… take care of them…”

“Like you did with Captain Toad?” Goombella asked, clearly just a wild stab in the dark.

“That was accident! Stupid idiot of foolishness was being Fawful’s way!” Fawful retorted in a sweaty burst of rage. “Eep!” He covered his enormous mouth.

“I’m surrounded by useless fools!” Cackletta screamed.

“Sounds like an admission of guilt if I ever heard it,” Goombella said with a smirk.

“No!” Fawful’s entire body was trembling, but not at the fear of being arrested. Cackletta was boiling with anger. “I-I am just having the tireds! Fawful cannot think! It was accident! Fawful will be telling the story again… Fawful rehearsed this quite well.” He panted and coughed, sputtering all over the tiles as he tried to pose with his cloak.

“F-fawful… was… looking for Smithy minions, and…” He huffed. Those swirly glasses of his appeared to only make him dizzier. “A minion appeared! And… Toad!... and… Fawful had to flee, but Toad…. Toad was in Fawful’s way so Fawful…”

“Killed him?” Goombella filled in the blanks.

“No!” Fawful shrieked. He was woozy. “It was accident! Fawful only meant to harm! Or at least to not get caught…”

“Keep your stupid mouth shut for _once_ , Fawful!” Cackletta screamed.

Fawful nodded. He put up his trembling fists, glaring our way. “You are having the corrects my most wise, Cackletta!” Drool dripped from his massive teeth as he panted. “Fawful will protect you like you did for Fawful from that nasty plumber! Prepare for…”

_Bonk!_

“Gack!” He toppled to the ground, tongue lolling out of his massive mouth. Goombella bonked him unconscious with ease.

“That idiot…” Cackletta hissed under her breath, fuming. She was still stuck in place with a floating Mack under her spell.

“Maybe you shouldn’t have pushed him so hard!” Goombella said, awfully empathetic for someone who just knocked the guy unconscious.

Cackletta said nothing else, growls escaping through her grit fangs.

“Cease your magic this instant!” Geno ordered.

Her arms trembled as they appeared to be stuck in glue, struggling to free themselves from the spell casting position. “You fools, I would have done that a long time ago if I could!”

“Hm.” Geno shrugged. “Fine by me.” He produced a pair of handcuffs from his cloak, dangling them smugly around his wooden finger as he approached her. “You’re under arrest for the suspected murder of Captain Toad and Mario of the Mario Brothers.”

Cackletta grunted, her arms still struggling, her entire body stuck. However, Mack was looking awfully twitchy… His eyes were open now.

“Don’t you touch me!” Cackletta’s arms and body broke free, a bolt of lightning striking the spot where Geno had previously been. “Stupid doll!”

The ground shook in a rhythmic fashion, knocking me off my feet, and even giving Geno a bit of trouble.

Mack stood tall alongside Cackletta, his hilt gleaming with green and purple. The blade of his knife shone with a new purpose.

“I was built to serve one and only one!” Mack boomed, glaring our way.

Cackletta grinned wickedly.

“TO SERVE MASSIVELY COOL PARTIES!!!!!” Mack cheered, pogo-sticking up and down and all over the floor, bouncing to a beat that only his corrupted robot sensors could hear. “Yeah!!! Party! WOOOOO!”

“Oh for…” Cackletta scowled. I am not writing down the language she used.

“Yeaaaaaaaaaah!” Number 3 shouted along with Mack, jumping onto his hilt and riding him like a bucking bronco. He tossed confetti around with each bounce.  A disco ball appeared somehow. “Now this is my kinda guy!”

“Seems your magic wasn’t good enough!” Goombella said smugly.

“It would have been, if you hadn’t bothered me!” Cackletta retorted.

“Enough foolishness!” Geno didn’t appear amused anymore. “Come quietly, or we _will_ use force.”

Cackletta retracted from his approach, sweat dribbling down her leathery forehead. “You have no proof! I wouldn’t hurt a fly!”

Goombella burst out laughing.

“There are witness statements, a missing Fire Flower, and traces of magic that all have your name on it. Not to mention Fawful’s statements.” Geno kept himself composed even as Mack and Number 3 bounced around in the background.  Oh, Number 1 was there now, too! When did he get back?

Bloodshot eyes darted from wall to wall, fangs grinding together so hard that actual sparks were flying out of her mouth. Seemed the time for worrying had passed. Her deadly smile gleamed as she plotted her next move.

“You fools ain’t gettin’ me that easy!” she cackled, a puff of smoke enveloping her and the foyer. The Snifits used the opportunity to bring out some glowsticks. “So long, suckers!” a tiny voice said.

Ignoring the smoke, Geno pointed to a creepy green headed bat laughing and making its way for the window that I fell through. “Luigi! Stop her!”

Something about orders from others always made me preform them. Without even realizing it, I had already pulled out the nozzle from my Poltergust and aimed it at the creepy bat, hitting the switch for maximum suck.

Hey! I just realized! I suck so it makes sense I’d be good at it!

“Yeargh!!” Cackletta’s little voice wailed as her bat form fell to the tile with a wet slapping noise.

Geno sprinted over, body glowing with red star power. Before he could reach her, a lightning bolt struck his back, knocking him down into a burning pile of wood.

“Eeeyah ha ha ha!” Cackletta appeared from the shadows, her grinning maw wide open, unable to contain her glee. “How stupid do you think I am!? Running away from you morons won’t do me any good! Best I just kill you all now, huh!?”

“Geno! Geno!” Goombella cried, rushing over to the flames, stomping them out as well as she could. “Hey, hey, c’mon, you okay?”

“I’m fine,” he replied, although his voice sounded almost like static, his cape practically burned to a crisp. The back of his head was charred and black. “Keep your focus on her!”

“Oohhhhhhhh, I’m gonna enjoy killing you three!” Cackletta spread her arms wide, wider, wider still, her robes enveloping everything and everyone in darkness. “Just like your smug brother, boy!”

She admitted it. For some reason, it didn’t scare me. It didn’t anger me either. Truth be told, I don’t think I could explain what I was feeling then. I don’t think I’ll ever understand it.

“That’s right! That’s right!” she laughed, her voice echoing all around us, bolts of lightning jolting around at every shadow, just narrowly missing us. “Oh, feels _good_ to say that! I killed that Mario! No one else ever could! No one but _me_! What makes you think you three idiots stand a chance where he didn’t, huh?!”

“Shut up!” Goombella shouted, running towards the sound of her voice. “You’re such a cliché villain!”

“Am I, girl?” Cackletta said with a sneer, a dozen of her laughing forms surrounding the Goomba. “Well, why don’t we stick with the clichés then and stomp the weakest pest, hmm?”

I found myself somehow in the midst of the battle, whacking and wailing frantically, attempting to stomp on any Cackletta I could find. Every single one just turned into laughing bats! Even Goombella was having a difficult time trying to discern them, her head bonking into the ground desperately as she tried to land a hit.

“Eeeyah ha ha ha! You idiots don’t even know which is the real me!” she screeched, a claw stretching out and grabbing Goombella by her ponytail. She pinned her against some dark wall with ease, much too far out of my reach. “Now I’ll just- _Eerrrrrgh_!!!”

A disc of pure light cut through Cackletta’s arm, slicing Goombella free. Geno nodded to her.

“You stupid termite infested blockhead!” Cackletta hissed, the darkness evaporating around us. “I’m a boss, that little Whirl trick won’t work on me!” When the tower came back into vision, Cackletta’s arm did as well, torn and broken, like a deflated balloon. “I shouldn’t have wasted my time on those weaklings when you’re the only real threat around here!”

Wordlessly, Geno threw out more of those discs of light her way, each slicing and cutting at what seemed like the speed of light! Star power. Geez. However, with Cackletta’s focus on him, her spine cracked and bended impossibly, avoiding the shots like a shadow avoids a flashlight. Dark holes dripped out from her robe, pulsating towards Geno, threatening to drag him down into the depths of the earth, but…

_Bonk!_

“Ow!” Cackletta whined, rubbing her head, where Goombella had left quite a nasty bruise. “How annoying!! How rude!! Three on one isn’t very fair!” said the witch who constantly lied, cheated, and backstabbed.

She turned her attention back to Goombella who was, of course, blowing a raspberry at her. I took this opportunity to land another jump onto her now tenderized head.

“Cut that out!!” She swatted at me. “Ugh! This is not happening!! I’ve had enough of this!”

“Even for a Bean, she’s got a big mouth!” Goombella groaned.

“Shut up!” Cackletta roared, her body contorting yet again. Her face grew into a thing of nightmares. Her fangs sharpened, her eyes widened, and her mouth **opened**.

“You’re the one who’s been talking the whole time!”

“I SAID SHUT UP!” Her mouth took up the entire room, yellowed teeth dripping with acid and rage. “I’LL GOBBLE YOU ALL UP AND REUNITE YOU WITH THAT STUPID RED MUSTACHE!”

Musty breath slapped against my face, hitting a gag reflex in the back of my throat. Goombella turned to me and Geno, eyes wide. What were we meant to do? We were already in her mouth, already enveloped by the shadows. We were already witch food!

“YEEEESSS, WHO NEEDS A STUPID CRYSTAL STAR? A BEAN STAR? A STAR PIECE? I CERTAINLY DON’T! I HAVE ALL THE POWER I NEED! ENJOY THE REST OF ETERNITY IN MY BELLY, WORMS!!!”

I gotta say. Eaten by a witch was not the way I expected to die. Alone and in front of the TV, sure! Yeah, that sounded right! But a witch’s meal? Geez. What went wrong in my life that put my death here? Although, I guess I should be a bit more optimistic. This death is way less depressing. Probably a whole lot more painful, though.

Oh! Right. Uh, sorry to lead you on there. It was a good thing I didn’t actually die, or else I wouldn’t be able to write this!

“Partyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!!!!!!!!” Mack continued to bellow in his monotone voice, bouncing and slamming his body around. One of those places happened to be Cackletta’s back, which was still very much available for stabbing.

Her gaping maw dissipated instantly, her body shriveling up into the dried-out Bean that she was. Cackletta fell to the floor, clutching at her poor back with her last good claw hopelessly.

“No! No, you’re joking! You’re **JOKING**!” she spat out, face down in her own drool. “I… I am not losing right now! I was so close! And and to my own!....”

“A backstab, eh,” Geno mused, standing over the witch’s broken and battered body.

“Poetic justice!” Goombella cheered.

“A stupid coincidence!!” Cackletta screamed.

“Oh my god, we ran over Gramma,” Number 3 gulped, still hanging onto Mack.

“She was kind of a jerk, though.” Number 1 chugged a drink out of a red plastic cup.

“I can’t die!” Cackletta sputtered, her limbs wobbling, her body turning into an almost gaseous form. “You can’t arrest me! Give up, losers!”

“Ah, um, sorry,” I whimpered as I gently sucked up her essence into the Poltergust 3000. It was a little loud and quite jarring.

“No, no, come on, no!!!!” Cackletta cried, clawing at the tiles as the vacuum sucked her up. “Not like this, not to this pathetic fool!! No!”

_Fwump!_

My vacuum spurted out some witch dust as it finished cleaning her up. I promptly vacuumed that as well. Good to be thorough.

“Luigi!” Goombella hopped up, bumping her squishy cheek against mine. “You did it! That was great!”

A hot splintery hand gently held my shoulder. “Your brother would be proud, Luigi.”

Eh? Me? But I didn’t do anything. It was all them. All I did was clean up a little. Speaking of which, this place was a mess.

“When are you gonna learn to accept you’re not that bad, Luigi!?” Goombella shook her head and sighed. “I mean, I know it’s hard… I feel the same way about myself sometimes, but even what little I did was _totally_ great!”

“Hm.” Even under the charred remains of the doll’s face, I could tell Geno was attempting a smile. “I am not one to self-congratulate, but I think I did quite well, too.”

Well! Yes, they did great! Of course they did!

… Maybe I was helpful too I suppose? I guess I did jump through the window… although that was more like falling.

“Did we mention how amazing that was?” the Snifits shouted in unison, holding onto their party crazed Mack who was sort of just background noise at this point.

Hmm. I guess I did do good. Maybe I could have done better. Mario would have done better. But I did pretty good! For me at least. Yeah.

“Okay, good, self-congratulations are great!” Goombella looked over to the unconscious bag of teeth that was Fawful. “But we should probably get these guys back into the station and dealt with quickly before one of them does something super lame.”

“Agreed.”

“Aw, but the party’s just getting started!” Number 1 whined. “Booster will be back soon! We were thinkin’ about getting that cake from that Chef Torte guy…”

It was hard to say no to my Snifit friends, but I _did_ have an evil witch of limitless power strapped to my back at that moment. M-maybe we could hang out later?

“Oh man, yeah! That’d be amazing!” Number 3 sniffed. “Dude, we’ve got Super Nintendo! Best graphics on the planet! You come over whenever you want, okay? Now that Gramma’s gone, we can be a little more chill!”

“Okey-dokey!” I said happily, waving back at them as I left the tower with the others. I had to admit; I almost had a skip in my step.


	12. Until It's Over

I can’t believe its over. Well I can. I have to. How do you end something like that?

When we returned to the station, we were greeted with a cacophony of raspy cheering Toads. They were all so proud of Goombella and Geno! And… me too, somehow. I don’t think I’ve ever experienced a crowd cheering for me. It was exhilarating! But also… kind of terrifying. I don’t think I’ll be able to live up to their expectations in the future, but it was nice that they thought I was special.

Even Bowser gave me a thumbs up! After that, Kammy smacked him with her broom and told him to get back to work. She’d shown up to help with the mess. I’m well aware that I just opened up a prime area for Bowser to possibly take control of, so I knew his praise for me wasn’t something to be proud of, but… again, for now, I’ll accept it.

Geno humbly took the Poltergust full of Cackletta while Goombella carefully balanced Fawful atop her head as they made their way to the jail cells. Geno assured me he’d be using his magic to keep them locked up and that Fawful would never be near a piece of technology again if he could help it. Chief Toadstool congratulated me and told me what a hero I was and how proud Mario would be if he was here.

I’ll admit, it’s still hard. To have to hear people talk about him. To have people tell me what Mario must be feeling about me, for them to tell me he’s ‘proud’ or ‘avenged’ or any of that. I don’t know how I feel about it. I still have that hollowness inside when I think of him being gone. I think I’ll always be sad when it comes to him, but at the same time, I know he wouldn’t want me to stay sad forever.

Besides, it was hard to think on it for long. Seemed like there was always something going on now, like someone always needed something. The world was so much bigger and so much more alive, and they all wanted something to do with me.

“So, Luigi, what are you gonna do now?” Goombella asked, bringing me out of my thoughts.

“Goombella! Stop being so nosy,” Toadette scolded. “You don’t even have a nose! Let the guy relax a little.”

“Oh, you’re one to talk, girl. Shouldn’t you be at home getting some sleep?”

“I slept a little! But how am I supposed to rest after everything that’s happened? Especially when I couldn’t be sure what would happen to you.”

“Awww! You were totally worried about me, weren’t you?”

“Shut up! Why do you have to ruin this?”

The girls chattered away, arguing and laughing, their little feet dangling over my balcony’s edge. They stared out into the city’s neon lights. I was happy they forgot about me again. It’s hard to explain. I liked them being there, but I didn’t exactly want to talk with them all the time. It was nice just to hear them gossip. It was nice that they let me listen.

Rain still fell like always, leaving a misty mix of colors over the city. The red and white mushroom sign that shone forever into my home didn’t fill me with dread anymore. It reminded me of Toadette’s smiling face more than anything, and all the other Toads who cheered for me. Maybe that’s a little too cheesy isn’t it? Hmm, well I don’t care! I’m not going to worry! At least for now.

At first, I sat on the balcony’s edge with the girls. The adrenaline of everything still rushed through me, along with false bravery! Plus, I was sure my friends here would catch me if I fell. But, I soon came to realize that was way too scary and I actually hated it! I felt a lot more comfortable sitting in my chair on the opposite corner of the balcony, and the girls didn’t even tease me about it!

Well, okay, Daisy did tease me, but that’s just how she is. After my delicious pasta dinner, Daisy quickly resigned herself to a food coma nap on the couch. Strange how someone so energetic and so outgoing could also be so anti-social, too. For most of dinner, she spent it chewing and glaring at Goombella’s badge, only half answering the Goomba’s unending questions. I was just glad things didn’t get out of hand; no pun intended.

I did invite Geno and Chief Toadstool over as well, but they declined. Geno chuckled and said he didn’t really have the stomach for it, and Peach said she had too much work to do. Truth be told, the less people over, the better! I was kind of glad they didn’t come. Not that I dislike them! Just… Small crowds are maybe more my style? If I have one?

“Okay, fine!” Goombella said with a fake pout, sipping at her Pink Grapefruit flavored Chuckolacola. Toadette held the soda for her, sharing the straw without any hestitation. “What about you, girl? What are you gonna do now? I’m sure Peach would let you come back, y’know?”

Toadette let out a sigh through frowning lips. Her legs dangled in the rainy breeze as she pondered. “I dunno.”

“Do you,” Goombella started, wearing matching frowns with Toadette. “Do you not want to come back? I, uh, y’know, I’d really like to have you as my partner again.”

“I’m not sure,” Toadette admitted.

“Oh. I mean. Y’know. That’s fine.”

“What’s wrong? Lonely?” Toadette grinned.

“No!” Goombella sipped her drink. “Well. Okay. Yeah. You were, y’know, best partner I ever had.”

“I was the _only_ partner you ever had.”

“So! It’s still true, okay?!”

Toadette stared back out into the bustling city. Koopas and Toads and every type of person strolled by. Karts surfed through on slick streets, and the rainbow of neon lights glowed before her. I never appreciated it before. Everything was always so dirty, so scary! Or it was too hot, or it was too cold, or it had been the same view I had always seen for years!... But now with a fresh set of eyes, it was almost pretty. Relaxing even.

“I really liked the freedom, to be honest,” Toadette finally answered. “To go out and do what I want, to do whatever needed doing! I finally understood what my brother must had been feeling when he was out doing who knows what.”

Hm.

“I’m not sure I want to be an explorer like him, you know?” Toadette went on. “But maybe I can do something like what Mario did. Maybe I could be a private detective, too! I could help people out, just in my own way!”

“Ah. That, y’know, sounds great,” Goombella said quietly.

“You _know_ , if I was a detective, I’d need to keep in touch with the police a lot!” Toadette smirked. “Maybe even spend most of my time driving around with them! A more…” She did that jazz hands thing with her free hand. “Hands on approach than Mario! Know what I mean?”

“You’re so weird!” Goombella sipped at the soda in Toadette’s hands, her lips curling into a little smile. “But, um, that sounds like it’d be the best of both worlds!”

Toadette nodded. “Yep! And thanks to my brother, I don’t think I’ll ever have to worry about money issues, I hope. I can help protect this city my way!”

“Lucky,” Goombella grumbled, her eyes widening a second later. “Er! Sorry! That was really stupid thing to say all things considered.”

“Don’t worry about it, I get you,” she laughed. “I know things haven’t been easy for you either. Zess still hastling you for coins for her contact lens, huh?”

“I don’t wanna think about it! Not to mention the student loans for my stupid dropout in Goom U…”

Toadette giggled. “But anyways! As I was saying before! I want to keep working close with you, Goombella. I promise to keep in touch. And while I’m still trying to figure out what I want to do, maybe you could drive me around the city a bit? Maybe even tomorrow if that’s okay.”

Goombella’s eyes lit up. “Of course!” She quickly gave Toadette a peck on the cheek.

“Uh!!” Toadette practically fell off the balcony there, red coloring her cheeks. Or maybe that was just the mushroom light. “What the heck!?”

“T-that’s just how Goombas show friendly affection, y’know?” Goombella said, eyes suddenly incredibly interested in a Monty Mole shop a few blocks away. “We don’t have arms!! Remember! Not like I can pat you on the back!”

“You are _so_ weird!”

“No, you!”

All their talk about the future had gotten me thinking about mine as well. What would I do? What _should_ I do? Mario left me the office/house of course. The Mario Bros. Detective Agency was mine to do with however I pleased. But how was I going to afford it? It wasn’t exactly steep rent prices, but I’d have to do something.

Maybe… maybe I could try that whole detectiving thing. I might be good at something like that! Even if I’d never done it before. Mario’s reputation would certainly help, and maybe because he was my brother, his good detectiving skills could have rubbed off on me? That’s, like, jeans or something!

Having a super computer like TEC would help too, wouldn’t it? And Daisy, as lazy as she is, could talk to people better than I ever could. (Maybe.) Plus, she seemed to care about me in her own strange way. Not to mention Toadette and Goombella were all too happy to help with anything I might need, too…

I wasn’t sure. For everything that’s happened to me, for all the hell I’d been through, it felt like I hadn’t grown a single bit! I still couldn’t make a decision if my life depended on it! The future still loomed over me, still suffocated me with anxiety!!

But…

I guess, at least now, I have more than just Mario to count on. Maybe I don’t have Mario anymore, but I do have new friends! I think… I think they’re my friends. I don’t know that either! But, I’ll assume for now that they are! And… and even if maybe they don’t think of me as friends, I can at least count on myself! A little bit.

“Hey, Luigi, you got a call,” Daisy said groggily, poking her head out into the balcony. “Something about missing diamonds or whatever. I should tell him you’re interested in it, yeah?”

W-what! Diamonds? Mystery? Already? No! Never! I don’t want to do that! That’s way too much! Way too soon! I couldn’t possibly!

“Okey-do…” my mouth started.

I stopped myself.

“No, thank you,” I said finally.

Daisy shrugged. “Yeah, sounded like a hassle. I’ll tell ‘em to bother someone else.”

I leaned back into my chair and let out a relaxed sigh.

Maybe next time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for everyone that made it this far! This was definitely the most time consuming thing I've ever written and certainly the hardest I've ever tried to tell a story! I hope you enjoyed! 
> 
> Next chapter is just some extra scenes showing how Captain Toad and Mario were crimed on. Nothing graphic and nothing necessary to the plot, just bonus content. 
> 
> Thanks for reading!


	13. Bonus: How They Did It

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> These are just some little bonus scenes I wrote to try and help visualize the crimes. It's not at all necessary to read, but I figured it could be a fun extra for anyone wanting a little more. Don't expect too much from it. 
> 
> First scene takes place during the first murder, and second scene during the second murder. Before Luigi started investigating.

Fawful swished and swooshed gracefully through the skies overhead Smithy’s territory. Soon to be _his_ territory if things went according to plan. Which they would! They always did! Fawful was perfect. That’s why Cackletta trusted him! That’s why Cackletta kept him around and no one else!

The flames of his head-jetpack kept him warm in this cold dead metal city. What a waste! No one was using this place. Fawful deserved this! Cackletta _deserved_ this! What was Smithy doing with it? What were any of these foolish fink-rats doing with it? Nothing of use! Bah!

However perfect Fawful was, he knew that Exor’s gaze would alert the entire Smithy army. Even someone as great as him couldn’t take on _everyone_. Not yet at least. So, for now, he played the part of a sneaky thief. It took great skill to be a sneak! Hiding behind buildings, flowing through the shadows, only moving when that STUPID giant sword was looking elsewhere…

He needed a new experiment. If Cackletta truly wanted to take over, she needed to realize her full power! These stupid machines should be easy to control! Easier than regular beings! Cackletta could already do that! But for some reason, the machines resisted her. Each new test subject brought her (and _him_ ) closer to her (also his) goal. Smithy’s robots resisted her less and less.

Fawful slunk gracefully behind an old decayed steeple. It was very different from the rest of the city, almost none of that hideous metal everywhere. Almost like something was keeping it out. Here that stupid terrible sword of no goodness would not be able to see Fawful! Here there were very little witnesses! Not a living soul would see what would happen! Eeeyah ha ha ha ha!

“Hm? Did you hear something? Like child’s laughter?” a metallic voice down the streets asked.

Hmph! It is not a child’s laugh! It is a dignified manly laugh! Stupid fink-rat has no appreciation.

“Go check it out. Shouldn’t be kids around here! If there is, I bet Smithy would _love_ to hear how I captured one!”

“Why do I have to go look?”

“Because I’m your lieutenant! I tell you what to do! Yaridovich! Remember? Smithy’s top appointed soldier! Me! Smithy loves ME!”

“…. Okay geez, I’m going, just so I don’t have to hear you be weird about it.”

Perfect! Perfect! Just like Fawful! Another stupid machine wandering directly into his clutches! He would surely get away with it again! And these dumb troops of foolishness would be none the wiser! The steeple creaked with anticipation, and even the bushes behind him rustled with excitement over Fawful’s latest kidnapping!

Fawful switched off his jetpack and hugged the mansion’s wall, clinging to the shadows. The last thing this creature would see is the gleam of his teeth in the night as he smiled so widely!

“…Man, this steeple sure is creepy,” the metal monster mumbled to itself. Its shape resembled that of a hammer with legs and eyes. It was not a very creative creature, Fawful thought. Simple, but would prove effective for Cackletta.

The stupid thing meandered nearer, like a cow unknowingly walking into a slaughter house. Fawful couldn’t help but grin. The contraption atop his head began to whir with power.

“What’s that? Why is there a pair of teeth and nerdy glasses over in the dark there?” the hammer said stupidly, moving even closer. “Why do the teeth look angry now?”

Fink-rat! Fawful’s glasses were not nerdy! He needed them to see! A blast of green flame shot out of Fawful’s headgear, enveloping the rude hammer in dark painful magic. Foolish creature didn’t even get a chance to scream! Its wires and guts spilled out of its head as it toppled over, sparks and oil spurting out. It would still be alive for a while too! Perfect specimen! Eeeyah ha ha ha!

“H-hey! Wh-what the heck are you doing to that poor thing?” a raspy trembling voice asked behind.

Fawful spun, his laughter cut short, his grin destroyed. “Hm? Who dares to be bothering Fawful?”

A Toad stood at a cautious distance, his headlight glaring against Fawful like a spotlight. He carried a pack at his back, looking like quite the explorer. “Y-you can’t just hurt people like that!”

Fawful grinded his teeth angrily. “Foolish mushroom! This isn’t a person! It is a robot of most unconsciousness! Now leave Fawful be!”

“No!” the Toad yelled, his puny hands curled into what could technically be described as fists. Very unthreatening. “I won’t let you! Leave it alone!”

Fawful ignored the whiny Toad. He scooped up the fizzing hammer creature into his arms, powering up his jetpack. “Bah! You are no match for the glorious mighting of Fawful! Fawful suggests you leave before you-hey! Hey, stop it!”

“I told _you_ to stop! My sister’s a cop, so you better listen!” the Toad screeched, ramming his pathetic fists against Fawful’s muscular and cool body.

“Pest! Fink-rat! You are bothering Fawful!” Fawful cried, realizing that all this noise was bound to bring too much attention to them. “ **I have fury!!** Stop your foolishness now, or else!!!”

“No! Put it down!”

Fawful’s blood boiled. This pathetic Toad thought it could order him!? Only the great and powerful Cackletta could do such a thing! He charged his headgear’s beam to maximum. No one would miss this stupid fink-rat. No one would know he ever went missing. No one would even find him!

The Toad’s eyes widened in realization. Fawful saw his own toothy smile reflected off the Toad’s last moments. He turned and tried to run away.

_Oh, it’s too late! Much too late for you! You will not be getting in Fawful’s way anymore, you won’t have the telling anyone what you saw here!_

Fawful cackled evilly as emerald flame exploded, devouring the cowering Toad. His aim was true and as perfect as he was! The Toad dropped to the dirt where he belonged, a black scorch mark at the back of his head.

Eeeyah ha ha ha! Simple! Effective! Now all Fawful had to do was to dispose of this fink-rat’s body…

“What’s all the noise going on in here?” a metallic voice rang through the old rotting gardens.

Ugh! Again! Again! More trouble! And this time a powerful enemy! Fawful was powerful, perfect, and invincible, but he was… tired! He couldn’t take on this one. It was one of Smithy’s finest weapons! Yaridovich. Fawful had heard of this one.

Yaridovich’s sharp glare fell onto Fawful, his spear already crackling with energy. “An intruder!” he said with glee. “Oh, Smithy will love this!”

A mess! Such a mess! Fawful’s plans, ruined! Dashed! Like a sandwich he forgot to put back in the fridge! Rotten! Terrible! He had no time to mess with the stupid Toad!

Hammer creature still in hand, Fawful bravely jetpacked away from the onslaught of spears thrown in his direction. At least that foolish Yaridovich wouldn’t be able to follow him.

…

Yaridovich steamed. That blasted little green guy got away! He was a kidnapper, wasn’t he?! Smithy would have been so pleased with him had he caught the menace! Well… there was always next time. Yaridovich would just have to be more vigilant! More sneaky! Maybe a disguise would help… Hm. This thing here would do. It looked like a common Toad. People would not suspect it! Perfect.

Above him, Yaridovich thought he heard a ghostly laugh, as if someone was watching him. He ignored it.

* * *

One week later.

 

 

“You guys only have a Super Nintendo here?” the child whined; his pathetic fangs framed in a sneer.

“You are lucky to have even that, brat,” Cackletta hissed. Her back ached, slouching over this insignificant thing.

A weakness was all it was. The child. A weakness to that fool, Bowser.

The Snifits clacked and smashed their puny nubs against the controller, arms and bodies moving wildly with each motion as their virtual character drove through some trite haunted pier or some such. They were useless most of the time, but at least keeping the child happy was one of their stronger points.

“Is there something better than Super Nintendo?” one of the idiotic Snifits asked. She did not know their numbered names. She did not care to learn. “It’s _super._ How the heck can it be beaten? Look at these graphics, man! Oh, shouldn’t have used your banana, kid, I got a red shell.”

“W-we’re up to Nintendo Switch now!” Bowser Jr. cried, attempting to assert his minimal intelligence on these beetle brained buffoons. “It has way better graphics!”

“Switch certainly don’t sound better than _Super_ ,” the Snifit replied. An ugly jingle played, signifying one of them as the victor and one of them as the loser. They were all losers in Cackletta’s eyes.

The child tossed his controller to the ground in a fit, befitting that of a spoiled brat. He must have been smarter than the Snifits at least, as he gave up on their argument.

The child turned to Cackletta. His eyes never truly met hers. She grinned at that.

“My dad’ll be angry when he finds out about this, you know!” he cried, bits of liquid forming at the corner of his eyes. “He’s the ruler of this city! He’ll pound you into bean paste!”

Fear. She felt it. Even inside his tough spiky shell, she could hear his tiny heart pounding, pittering uselessly against the hollow insides of his body, blood rushing in a panic.

“I very much doubt that, brat,” Cackletta said, lips curled upwards. Surely the father would be feeling the same fear, wouldn’t he? “Think of this as a warning. He will know that I am here. He will know not to bother me.”

“O-oh yeah? Or what?!” the small turtle tried to stand up to her, puny claws curled into puny fists.

Her mouth opened wide. Drool dripped from her maw and the cold dead air of her tower disappeared into her. It would be so easy to swallow this one whole.

“Or else _you_ might not come back the next time this happens.”

That worked. The turtle fell upon his backside, tears glistening down his cheeks, despite the fire at his lips. “Stop it!”

“Hey, kid, you should probably stop bothering Gramma,” a Snifit said to Bowser Jr. “Check it out, I got this new game about some monkeys that beat up a bunch of crocodile pirates! It’s got the _best_ graphics in the entire universe I tell you!”

“That’s not even the most recent game of the series on that _system_!!” the child screeched, already his attention returned to the mindless video game.

“What, you’re telling me there’s a third game? No way, it’ll be years before that happens.”

This thing would keep them busy. That was all that mattered. She would not trust the buffoons to watch over the brat, but she would stay near enough, lurking in the shadows.

 “Cackletta! Master Cackletta!” Fawful desperately cried from down the hall.

It was not like him to be so worked up. Fawful was one of the only creatures she could ever trust to keep a cool head. She did not like him like this.

“What is it?” she asked. The door opened, revealing the sweating little man.

“Ah, it is horrible! Terrible! Fawful has made the mistakes most badly!” Fawful went on, irritating her to no end. “Fawful has left the refrigerator open and left our lunch meat of plans to such an awful rotting!”

 _Mistakes_. She did not like mistakes. Especially from him. He was supposed to be better. Cackletta felt her fangs grinding together.

“Snap out of it, man! What is it?!” she fought the urge to crush him between her claws. It would do her no good in the future.

“T-that red mustache! He is here! Right now!” Fawful stuttered, his knees trembling like a pup that had just been caught making a mess on the floor.

“So what? We haven’t done anything wrong that he knows of.”

“Ah. Um.” Fawful’s normal green hue had faded into a pale white, his body slick with cowardly sweat. “W-well! This may be because Fawful did not telling you of quite everything…”

Lightning burned her wrinkled palms. It begged to be let loose onto this failure. “What happened. And be quick about it. I am not in a forgiving mood.”

Fawful’s square teeth, like all Beanish peoples’ teeth, were made for chewing vegetables and showing their smiles. His were trying desperately to show a smile and failing miserably. Cackletta’s old rotting fangs bit down into a scowl. He pulled her out into the hallway without actually touching her, knowing better than to ever come too close.

“Y-you see! A-a mistake Fawful has made! A Toad of most stupidity got into the way of Fawful’s magic and well… perished!”

“So what?!”

He flinched. “I-it appears that the Toad of most stupid was the brother of a police officer… and the red mustache known by the dumb name of Mario has been caught onto Fawful’s trail…”

Now wasn’t the time for this. It wouldn’t do to have anyone sniffing around at this moment, especially with a kidnapped child in her tower. That red mustached nobody would probably find any excuse to snoop around in what was rightfully hers! If he truly were a famous detective, he could possibly find out about her plans to dethrone Smithy as well.

“H-he is at the entrance! And quite pushy! Fawful tried to stall as much as he could, and use those Snifits  but…”

“Quiet!” Cackletta snapped, her claw around Fawful’s soft neck. Oh, how she wanted to end him for what he had done! But no. Not yet. He still had uses. “Let’s deal with this pest, and then we will discuss your punishment.”

“Y-yes, oh great Cackletta!” he groveled between gasps.

She sank into the floor, allowing the cool touch of darkness to envelop her as she transported to the bottom of the tower. In an instant, she felt her bones rise from the tile and back into this musty disgusting world.

Another Snifit was fawning over the man in blood red. “Great Gonzales! Great Gonzales! Come on, come on, can I have another autograph? Booster will definitely want one on this old dirty wrench for sure!”

“Ah, of-a-course!” the mustached man said with glee, signing the greasy oil stained wrench with a bright smile. “Hoo-hoo!”

Fake. So incredibly fake! Cackletta’s fingernails dug into her leathery skin. Killing him would not be so easy. This man’s entire being was a lie. Inside that tubby plumber’s body beat the heart of a God killer.

“What do you want, mustache?!” Cackletta growled. Fawful appeared at her side soon after, out of breath as usual, headgear out of fuel.

“Hello!” Mario greeted cheerfully, waving to Cackletta. The Snifit sighed in ecstasy, hugging the wrench, and slinking away to its desk. “It’s-a-me! Mario!”

She sucked air through gritted fangs. “I know who you are!”

“I’ma investigating the death of one Captain-a-Toad!” he said cheerily, blue eyes sparkling. “I have reason to-a-believe you might-a be responsible!”

She hated playing this game with him. “And just what reason is that?”

Mario’s eyes shone. “Don’t-a-play stupid with me!” He wagged a finger at her. Her body absolutely shivered with rage. “I’ve-a got eye witnesses from Smithy’s mentioning a small-a-green intruder!” His bright eyes fell upon Fawful. “Sort of like him.”

Like the coward he was, Fawful instantly melted into bean soup before Mario. Usually he was better than this! But he was tired and frightened of Cackletta, as he should be.

“M-must be some other Bean?”

Ugh. That idiot.

“Unlikely,” Mario said gruffly, smoke puffing out of his lips. The Snifit had lit his cigar wordlessly, all too happy to do anything for this bloody menace.  Mario waved him off. The Snifit, of course, listened to him and scampered away. “And I didn’t mention it was a Bean.”

“Fine, so a Bean fitting Fawful’s description was seen by those faulty robots,” Cackletta hissed angrily. She knew what he was doing. She knew that _he_ already knew everything. Now it was only a matter of getting out of this with as little damage as possible. “They’re not to be trusted.”

Mario shifted the cigar around in his lips. “Whose oil we gonna find on that wrench there, Cackletta? Not like you to have machines around here.”

That blasted plumber! That nosy nuisance! Those stupid Snifits! Of course, he knew, didn’t he?

“Enough games!” Cackletta growled. “What do you know?”

“I know enough,” Mario said simply. “You been pushin’ on Smithy’s territory. That much is obvious. Maybe to no one else in this damn city.” He let out another puff, blowing black smoke into Fawful’s face. He sputtered to Cackletta’s extreme annoyance. “Toads down at the station aren’t sure what the cause of death is yet. Clearly, it’s dark magic, isn’t it?”

Her best bet now was to stop playing by his rules.

“Yes, it was. I’m sure you told them all about it, didn’t you? You smug little…”

“I didn’t say shit yet,” Mario groaned. “Figure it’s best not to rile ‘em up. I’d handle it quick and easy. And boy was it easy.”

“So?”

“So, I’m takin’ Fawful in.” Mario’s sharp eyes stuck to everything in Cackletta’s tower. “But let me guess, you refuse?”

“No. Take him,” Cackletta said easily.

“H-huh!? What?! C-Cackletta, but! Fawful is your most best pupil!” Fawful whined.

For once, Mario’s eyes widened ever so slightly. “I always knew you were cold, lady, but didn’t realize you were a Freezie.” He shrugged, clasping a pair of cuffs onto Fawful’s trembling wrists.

“He made a mistake. A stupid mistake. I have no use for someone so _cruel_.”

Mario chuckled, back turned to her infuriatingly as he walked toward the Tower’s exit. Fawful slumped next to him, walking in step sadly. “Don’t think this means you’re through with me, old lady. I know you’re just tryin’ to buy time. I’ll be back right after I’m done with Fawful, and I’ll be looking through ‘your’ tower with a fine-tooth comb, you hear me?”

So smug! So sure of himself! To think, this pudgy plumber thought he could turn his back to her! Cackletta! Ruler of this city! Ruler of the world! He must have thought he knew everything, didn’t he? He must have had everything planned out in his head. He must have known all about Cackletta’s plans! He’d know soon of her kidnapping as well…

Hm. Well. Did he expect this?

“Eeeeyah!!” Fawful screeched, the air around him sizzling with heat.

A pleasant _thud!_ reached her old raggedy ears, from which her lips were grinning to. The corpse of Mario fell before her, the smell of burnt hair and flesh reaching her nostrils. What a nice smell.

“Eeeyah ha ha ha!” Cackletta laughed, her palms still sparking with static from the quiet strike. “Oh Fawful, you brilliant little idiot, you! Thanks to you, that foolish mustache practically gave himself to me!”

“Ee..yah? Ha… ha?” Fawful coughed, trying to get his bearings.

“With the city’s only good detective out of the way, there’s no one left to stop us, now!” Cackletta said through hurried breaths, her old body feeling giddy for the first time in decades. “Oh, and we can use this to frame that idiot, Smithy!”

“But, hm…” Fawful’s glasses glared as Cackletta’s genius rubbed off on him. “Brilliant! A plan most brilliant! If any foolish fools come to a snooping, we can simply be of pointing them to Smithy!”

“And, you, of course, will be planting the body, won’t you, Fawful?” Cackletta commanded.

“Yes, of course! Right away! Fawful has much gratitude for you, Cackletta!”

“I would feed you to the Chain Chomps if I found it to be useful, Fawful.”

“F-Fawful has understanding!”

With the flick of her wrist, Cackletta zapped the cuffs around Fawful’s hands, melting them in an instant. He screeched in pain as it seared his flesh, but knew better than to complain. Without another word, he slunk out of the tower, fat and _dead_ plumber in arms, and a new refueled jetpack. That bird, Dodo, had brought it down at his request almost instantly.

Hmph. For once, a minion who was worthy.

The Snifits had left before she had killed the mustached menace, so they were of no worries to her. Plus, they’d probably fail at this job anyway.

“You there!” she pointed at Dodo who was preparing to fly away.

The fat bird turned to her silently. It didn’t talk. Perfect.

“Clean up the mess where our guest ‘fell.’ If I see a single spec of that disgusting plumbers sweat around here, I’ll make sure we have a nice turkey dinner. Do you understand?”

Dodo nodded hurriedly, feathers molting around his beak in a panic. Hm, yes, he would get the job done. This appeared to be what he was best at. Cleaning and keeping quiet. Perfect.

Cackletta melted into the tiles, a slick smile across her lips as she saw the black scorch on the tile where that plumber had died.

There was no one left in this city to stop her. There was no one in this universe that could ruin her plans now.

**Author's Note:**

> If you're looking for a little more, [here's a bit of a prequel](https://archiveofourown.org/works/16582706) that takes place a week before. Starring Toadette, Goombella, and Croco.


End file.
